I have been wondering lately whether I project the image of having it all together. I don't feel like many people think I have struggles. I don't know whether this is me trying to project a specific image or if it's because I prefer to share concerns and issues with people who have become close, trusted friends. I realize that I have shared some struggles here on my blog which would be considered public. I don't have a solid answer to reconcile this with my previous statement. We'll have to be okay with the contradiction.
I do not have it all together. Big shocker, right? I worry too much about what others think (or might be thinking). I care too much about fitting in with what a perfect mom and wife look like. Deep down I know there's no such thing, but it doesn't keep me from striving for this goal. I can be petty and choose to nurse hurts because I want sympathy (of course I tend to keep these inside which kind of defeats the purpose and instead gives me a negative outlook, poisoning me from the inside). I struggle often with letting go of my own desires, wants, agenda so that I can be available to love and serve others, including my family.
There is a tension in me, and possibly in all parents, where I desire to care well for my family and myself but feel like I am constantly failing one or the other. I wonder if putting my son in lunch bunch so that I can have an extra hour of kid-free time is selfish or self-aware. I have been learning how much my parenting (and capacity for love and patience) is affected by whether I make time to do things that refresh and restore me. I know that when I begin to feel panicky, stressed and impatient it means I have neglected to rest and rejuvenate. Alternately, when I do take time to do things that fill me up, I am much more kind, gentle and able to focus on others. I still haven't figured out a good balance. I don't know if balance is even possible. I do know that I want to be healthy and a good role model for my kids so I need to continue to work this out.
I feel like I am under spiritual attack right now. My thoughts are scattered. I am struggling to concentrate in prayer and reading the Bible. I don't know if he's trying to make me ineffective by causing stress, anxiety and panic. I don't know why this is happening right now. But I am calling him out. Jesus is for me. He is with me. He will never leave me. If I focus on him and drawing closer to him, perhaps my anxiety will subside and peace will take it's place. We are, after all, told to pray about everything and express thanksgiving and we will receive peace that passes understanding.
Lord, I am anxious and burdened. I don't know why I am feeling this way but I know that you have peace that can replace this anxiousness. Please remind me that you are with me and fill me with your peace. Help me to rest in your promises and be reminded of your faithfulness and your love for me. You are for me. Thank you for creating me and for giving me worth and purpose. Thank you for my family, for my friends, for your word that instructs, encourages and reminds me of your love. I am grateful that you are in control. Please help me to lay down my plans and desires and surrender all I have to your capable hands and perfect will. Lord, I trust that you will bring good from all circumstances. I pray that I would be faithful to you and quick to respond to your leading. Lord, I need you. I cannot have a fruitful life without you. You are my rock and my salvation. Restore your servant who trusts in you. I am so grateful that you hear me and that you are available to listen at all times. I pray that you would be glorified in and through me. Have your way in me. In Jesus' name, Amen.