The Road to Becoming

I recently read The Road to Becoming: Rediscovering Your Life in the Not-How-I-Planned-It Moments by Jenny Simmons. I was intrigued when I learned she was the lead singer for Addison Roads, a band I very much like. I did not know much about the band other than I enjoyed the messages of their songs. I had even created a Pandora station for their music. So when I heard that there was a book that talked about the end of the band I was curious to read it.

The book is so much more than the last year of Addison Road, though. It is a memoir of sorts of how Jenny dealt with a number of setbacks that led to the demise of a long-held dream and the birth of a new dream, a new way of life.

The book starts by taking us through a series of unfortunate events that led to the end of the band and Jenny's dream. She is honest about all of her efforts to continue on with her plans despite the signs that it was not in the cards. I know that I can be equally stubborn when I have an agenda I want to see accomplished. I will move forward despite evidence that shows that perhaps it is not the wisest course. We, as people, struggle so much with giving up our dreams or sense of control.

Jenny then talks about her season of burying her dream and waiting for what comes next. She likens it to a desert, a place where it seems no new life could possibly grow. I feel like Americans are especially terrible at waiting, a season that seems stagnant and unproductive. We are all about busyness and moving forward. Sometimes we need to rest and allow healing to happen so that we can receive or cultivate a new dream.

I have friends that are in very tough seasons right now. They may have been waiting for a door to open for them to move forward with plans. Others are going through crisis and sensing that their future is going to look very different from what they planned or imagined. The book talks to both the person waiting and those watching and supporting those who are waiting.

Image created by Denise Kinsey Tyriver

I had a season like this at the end of my college career. I had been dating my boyfriend for over two years and had sensed early on that he was going to be my husband. In the last semester of college, I became frustrated about our relationship situation and began to sense that God was asking me to end the relationship. I balked at the thought and fought God on it for several months. He was persistent in his request. Eventually I realized God was really asking me if I trusted him and his plans for my future over my own. When I saw my dilemma in these terms I knew that I wanted to be obedient and see what God had in mind.

It was so tough giving up my plans for the future but I clung to the hope that God's future for me was even better than what I could ever plan. It was my mantra that got me through all of the awkward conversations with family and friends about the break up.

The last section of the book is about the imagining and development of a new dream and new future. It reminds us that without death there can't be new life. It talks about saying yes to the adventure of each new day, open to whatever may be in store.

This book is full of so much wisdom and encouragement that, no matter where you are in life, there is something that can help and encourage you. I have written some of my favorite quotes from the book. I hope you will also find some wisdom in this book.

I had spent years encouraging other people to live by faith but I had no idea how to live by it.

Security has become the drug of choice for religious people who don't really want to live by faith.

Turns out, following God-sized epiphanies doesn't guarantee instant happiness.

The hardest part of suffering is that the rest of the world keeps going like nothing has happened.

Usually the hardest part is doing what you already know you need to do.

I don't believe God ordains pain and chaos; I believe He redeems pain and chaos.

If compassion, humor, and careful insistence on closure are gifts that we give our children when they are dealing with loss, why should we treat our own grief any differently as adults?

The only choice I get is what to do when the road suddenly ends.

When my life intersects with the world's brokenness, Emmanuel intersects with me. God with us.

As a person of faith, I am invited to live in the tension of believing that God is present and at work, whether I see immediate evidence of it or not.

During seasons of waiting, dreams are growing up.

Watching someone else wait is like watching a slug die. Brutal. Tie that in with the threat of failure as the end result and we almost can't bear it.

What every saint must wrestle with: If God doesn't step in and divinely change where I find myself on this piece of broken earth, do I still trust Him? Can I still live my story well?

New life looks like being faithful in the little things.

To Wait or Not to Wait: Is it a boy or a girl?

Proof that black really is slimming (7 months pregnant with BB).

When we found out we were pregnant with our first child, we had that debate of whether or not to find out. In truth, there really wasn’t a debate. My husband magnanimously deferred to the pregnant lady’s choice. I decided that I didn’t want to know until we met him or her in the delivery room (which turned out to be the OR, but that’s a different story).

I really enjoyed not knowing. I didn’t have my hopes set on either a boy or a girl. It seemed to bother other people more than me. I heard a lot of “I’m a planner so I would have to know.” Hey, I’m a planner, too. In fact, not knowing what we were having allowed me to create a gender-neutralish registry and nursery (I say neutralish because yellow and green tend to be more boyish than girlish) which worked out well as we have a boy and a girl now and have been able to use many things for both of them. (When I was pregnant the second time, we turned the guest room into a girly room for BB which freed up the green nursery with tree and bird decorations for LB.) The baby doesn’t care what color he or she is wearing anyway.

It really wasn’t hard not knowing throughout the first pregnancy. I was worried that we’d accidentally find out as we ended up having four ultrasounds throughout the pregnancy. My husband and I made a list of boy and girl names we liked. I didn’t think I wanted to have the baby named before it was born because I wanted to meet him or her first. I did feel a little sorry for my mother-in-law because my sister-in-law was also a wait-and-see person so she didn’t get to do any pre-birth shopping for anyone.

The big day arrived and we had our lists of names ready. We had a favorite among the boys’ names but were still fairly undecided on the girls’. When BB was born, the doctor held her up for PB to share the good news. He responded “It’s a girl…I think?” He was correct and we were both quite excited. I don’t think that we had planned for him to announce the gender, but I loved that it was how I found out. Because BB was a girl, we had to decide what she was going to be called. It took about an hour to decide and then we could call family and let them know that everyone was healthy and doing well. When PB called his mom, he said something to the effect of “The baby’s healthy – 6lb 4.5oz, 18.5inches” then stopped. His mom yelled “What is it?” through the phone and he happily shared that it was a girl and her name, her first granddaughter. One friend asked us how we spelled BB’s name and we had to deliberate on our two choices for spelling after that.

When we found out we were pregnant for the second time, I offered to let my husband decide, assuming he’d elect to find out. He knew that I would rather not find out and, being the considerate man he is, said it could be a surprise as well. I was excited!

Everything went about the same, though this time I was definitely more tempted to find out. Especially since LB went past his due date. I enjoyed answering all of the “Is it a boy or a girl?”, “Do you know what you’re having?”, etc questions. I once answered “Yes” to the “boy or girl” question and then heard, “Both?!” “No! I’m having a boy or a girl.” After that I went back to “We don’t know.” One person responded, “You’re never finding out?” to which I answered, “I don’t think that’s possible. We’ll find out when he or she is born.”

At LB’s birth, I requested to have PB tell me the gender. He wasn’t sure he wanted that pressure but complied for my benefit. This time, when the doctor told him to share the gender he said, “All I see is a butt.” So they turned LB around and he said, “It’s a boy!” Once again we had lists. This time we had a girl’s name we really liked. The doctor asked what his name was and I said, “I don’t know.” We decided on it much more quickly this time, which was good because our family was waiting in the hospital lobby. We did call and announce it over the phone to our daughter (and all of the other family members listening in) before they came to meet him.

I must now admit that the title of this post is slightly misleading because I can’t really give an argument for finding out the gender before the baby is born as I haven’t experienced it. Here are my guesses as to the pros for finding out: you can get all blue or pink things, you can have a distinctly girl or boy room, you can decide on a name with plenty of time to monogram every article of clothing and receiving blanket you receive at your shower. [HOWEVER I have a friend who was told at her ultrasound that she was having a girl. She had named her and had tons of pink and monogrammed things. At delivery, she learned she actually had a boy.]

Oh, and BB received loads of girl clothes and LB received loads of boy clothes through the mail and in person after they were born. They both even received monogrammed blankets, burp cloths, and bibs – so no worries about not being properly outfitted if you wait.

Did you find out the gender before your child was born? Were you told you were having a girl or boy at an ultrasound only to find out later that the technician was wrong?