Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Guilt Management in Motherhood


  I have the privilege of reading an advanced copy of Jen Hatmaker's newest book, Of Mess and Moxie: Wrangling Delight Out of This Wild and Glorious Life (out August 8, 2017). I read it quickly and have since been pondering some of the thoughts in various chapters. One particular quote resonated with me and has had me wrestling internally, especially lately.

  In a chapter titled "Moms, We’re Fine" Jen writes:
Motherhood often feels like a game of guilt management; sometimes the guilt is overwhelming and debilitating, sometimes just a low simmer, but it always feels right there.
  I am in the trenches of motherhood, parenting a 4- and 7-year-old. I do feel that there’s always some aspect that is nagging at me trying to fill me with guilt over something I’m not doing or am doing incorrectly. Right now my guilt centers around playing with my children. The feeling of being obligated to play with them constantly presses on me. I read somewhere that I am not supposed to be their constant source of entertainment, that they need to learn how to deal with boredom on their own and I do agree with that concept. Because I don’t work outside the home I believe that part of my job is to interact purposefully and intentionally with my children regularly (and I bet a lot of working moms feel that they should spend some, most or all of their non-work time connecting with their kids as well). But what exactly does that mean and look like? And what is the right balance?

Yes there are things I need to get done but how much time should I allot for chores, play, etc and what types of play count? Is it fine to say, “I will do X, Y or Z  with you but not T?” [T for me being imaginary play. I will read books, play board and card games, build Legos, practice sports, and hide and seek. Playing good guys versus bad guys with the Lego men every day (and having to be the good guys ALL THE TIME) wears me out. "Mommy, pretend the bad guys are going to steal the good guys' hide out."]

How do I say "no" to this face?!
My husband and I have tried to recall our childhoods and don’t have memories of our parents playing toys with us. I remember playing Barbies and dolls on my own for hours. I remember playing Micromachines and Pogs with my brother. I remember days of running around outside with neighbors. I remember seeing my parents doing yardwork and housework. I remember mowing the lawn with my dad on our riding mower, playing basketball as a family, family movie nights in the basement. I remember fun birthday parties. I remember my parents coming to my sporting events, school performances and award ceremonies. I just don’t remember ever playing Barbies or “let’s pretend” with them. I still have positive memories and feelings of my parents and childhood. I felt loved and supported.

Or "no" to this one?!
So is this guilt something I perceive to be a lack from what I think other mothers are probably doing? Is it a lie from Satan? Do I feel this pressure to constantly engage from social media images? I have no idea. What I do know is that I feel tremendous guilt if I respond “No” or “Not right now” when my son asks me in his sweet little 4-year-old voice, “Mommy, will you play with me?” It’s a dagger to the heart to hear that request. That request makes me feel like I’m failing because the lie in my head tells me that he shouldn’t have to ask but that I should initiate. I know (from experience) that kids will take as much time with you as they can get. I cannot completely satisfy their desire for a playmate at all times. Nor should I. Like I mentioned above, it is good for them to learn how to manage their boredom and learn how to entertain themselves (preferably without electronics). They have plenty of books and toys and even a dedicated playroom where they are free to do whatever their heart desires. But all of this knowledge still doesn’t quell the guilt.

I should probably be covering this part of my life in prayer. Prayer for peace, for confidence and reassurance that I am parenting well and that my kids do feel loved and supported. Prayer for wisdom to know when and how to engage. Prayer against guilt when I don’t spend every moment of my child’s day playing, but instead take care of some of my responsibilities.

This is my current struggle. Anyone else here in this trench with me? Anyone have any encouragement or advice for this season of life? I could really use a “me too” today.

6 comments:

  1. A hearty "me too" over here! However, it's more of a "I've been there too" me too" since my last bird is about to fly out of the nest. I think mom guilt comes in so many forms. From not playing with them enough, or not feeding them the right foods, or sleep habits, or not teaching them what they need to know, or.... you get the picture. I think we are all met with guilt in some form or another. And I think it's because we love our kids so much. Maybe if we didn't feel some level of mom guilt we should be worried? We do need to release all ideals of perfectionism in parenting though. Perfectionism is flat out unattainable. Thanks for sharing your heart on this! It's a valuable "me too" for others out there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Andrea, I agree that there are many forms of mom guilt and each season of our children's lives will create a new one. I admittedly have struggled with perfection since I was young. Thank you for your thoughts!

      Delete
  2. Girl, I am with you (ESPECIALLY on the imaginative play)! My kiddos are 11, 10, and 7 now, and I regularly feel like I have failed--and continue to fail--at this. But you're right. I don't remember my parents getting on the floor to play with me either, and I always felt loved and supported by them. And we make lots of intentional time for our kids. It is so easy to get dragged down in motherhood, but sometimes we just have to make like Elsa and LET IT GO. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Katy, Thank you for commiserating with me. I probably should stop focusing on what I don't do, and remember all of the intentional interactions I do have with my kids each day. Good parenting doesn't all look the same.

      Delete
  3. With you, sister!! My kids are 14, 11, 9, & 7. I homeschool 3 of them and I am with them ALL. THE. TIME. So when the girls come to me and want to play Barbies, or my 11 year old wants me to play a board game, or my 14 year old wants me to go throw the football I'm so tempted to say "No!! Can't I have just 10 minutes to myself??!!" But a few weeks ago a friend of mine passed away. She was 36 years old--a mother of 4. My new mantra is "WWSKD?" (What would Sarah Keenan Do?). Not that I'm going to guilt myself or spend every waking second engaging in every whim that my kids have; but I have vowed to spend the kind of quality time with my kids that Sarah would if she could have one more day with her children. I realized it's not the QUANTITY of time I spend with my kids, but the QUALITY of it. And so I search, every day, for those QUALITY moments. And I let go of any guilt I feel over the rest of it because at the end of every single day I kiss them and hug them and I look into their eyes and say, "I love you." That is what I hope they will always remember. Keep on, sister. I'm praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nicole, thank you for sharing your own struggle and experience. It is somewhat encouraging to know that the mom guilt tends to be a companion regardless of our children's age so I shouldn't allow it to dictate how I feel about myself as a parent (which would be terrible all the time). It is also humbling to consider what your friend would choose if she were able to. I am sorry for your loss.

      Delete