Guilt Management in Motherhood

  I have the privilege of reading an advanced copy of Jen Hatmaker's newest book, Of Mess and Moxie: Wrangling Delight Out of This Wild and Glorious Life (out August 8, 2017). I read it quickly and have since been pondering some of the thoughts in various chapters. One particular quote resonated with me and has had me wrestling internally, especially lately.

  In a chapter titled "Moms, We’re Fine" Jen writes:

Motherhood often feels like a game of guilt management; sometimes the guilt is overwhelming and debilitating, sometimes just a low simmer, but it always feels right there.

  I am in the trenches of motherhood, parenting a 4- and 7-year-old. I do feel that there’s always some aspect that is nagging at me trying to fill me with guilt over something I’m not doing or am doing incorrectly. Right now my guilt centers around playing with my children. The feeling of being obligated to play with them constantly presses on me. I read somewhere that I am not supposed to be their constant source of entertainment, that they need to learn how to deal with boredom on their own and I do agree with that concept. Because I don’t work outside the home I believe that part of my job is to interact purposefully and intentionally with my children regularly (and I bet a lot of working moms feel that they should spend some, most or all of their non-work time connecting with their kids as well). But what exactly does that mean and look like? And what is the right balance?

Yes there are things I need to get done but how much time should I allot for chores, play, etc and what types of play count? Is it fine to say, “I will do X, Y or Z  with you but not T?” [T for me being imaginary play. I will read books, play board and card games, build Legos, practice sports, and hide and seek. Playing good guys versus bad guys with the Lego men every day (and having to be the good guys ALL THE TIME) wears me out. "Mommy, pretend the bad guys are going to steal the good guys' hide out."]

How do I say "no" to this face?!

My husband and I have tried to recall our childhoods and don’t have memories of our parents playing toys with us. I remember playing Barbies and dolls on my own for hours. I remember playing Micromachines and Pogs with my brother. I remember days of running around outside with neighbors. I remember seeing my parents doing yardwork and housework. I remember mowing the lawn with my dad on our riding mower, playing basketball as a family, family movie nights in the basement. I remember fun birthday parties. I remember my parents coming to my sporting events, school performances and award ceremonies. I just don’t remember ever playing Barbies or “let’s pretend” with them. I still have positive memories and feelings of my parents and childhood. I felt loved and supported.

Or "no" to this one?!

So is this guilt something I perceive to be a lack from what I think other mothers are probably doing? Is it a lie from Satan? Do I feel this pressure to constantly engage from social media images? I have no idea. What I do know is that I feel tremendous guilt if I respond “No” or “Not right now” when my son asks me in his sweet little 4-year-old voice, “Mommy, will you play with me?” It’s a dagger to the heart to hear that request. That request makes me feel like I’m failing because the lie in my head tells me that he shouldn’t have to ask but that I should initiate. I know (from experience) that kids will take as much time with you as they can get. I cannot completely satisfy their desire for a playmate at all times. Nor should I. Like I mentioned above, it is good for them to learn how to manage their boredom and learn how to entertain themselves (preferably without electronics). They have plenty of books and toys and even a dedicated playroom where they are free to do whatever their heart desires. But all of this knowledge still doesn’t quell the guilt.

I should probably be covering this part of my life in prayer. Prayer for peace, for confidence and reassurance that I am parenting well and that my kids do feel loved and supported. Prayer for wisdom to know when and how to engage. Prayer against guilt when I don’t spend every moment of my child’s day playing, but instead take care of some of my responsibilities.

This is my current struggle. Anyone else here in this trench with me? Anyone have any encouragement or advice for this season of life? I could really use a “me too” today.

Parenting Through the First-Three-Years Fog

  This year I have felt much more like myself, by which I mean more like the person I remember being before I became a mother. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom and I love my kids. I have learned, grown and changed (hopefully for the better) so much because they are part of my life. I would not go back and change things if I had that option. I am just saying it felt like I got lost a little when I was introduced to motherhood.

  I don't think I'm the only one who feels that my whole life changed when I became a mother. I entered into a new culture of being entrusted with another's complete well-being. Of learning everything I could about another human being and managing their time, creating eating, sleeping, playing, and bathing schedules. Scheduling doctor's appointments and keeping track of just about everything another person did so that I would be able to answer all of the doctor's questions. And, of course, doing all of this on an erratic and inadequate sleep schedule. Not to mention simultaneously dealing with my own physical, emotional and mental recovery.

And then doing all of that again less than three years later while also managing a very mobile, opinionated, mostly toilet trained, desirous of all of your attention individual.

Again, I love my kids. I know that most everyone has very similar experiences in parenting, but I am giving myself permission to admit that it is at times challenging and exhausting and, every so often, I live in survival mode.

  But now my kids are six and three. My youngest is toilet trained, can get mostly dressed on his own, feeds himself and just started at preschool three mornings per week, allowing me some precious me/alone time. And, so far, it has been so refreshing and restorative (because I haven't allowed myself to spend all of my time doing chores or running errands).

  I was talking with a friend a few weeks ago whose youngest is still months away from her first birthday. I was saying how I feel so much more like me these days and it is because I am out of the fog that is parenting the first three years of a child's life. Those years are so demanding of parents. The kids need you to feed and change them. Sometimes they won't allow anyone else to feed them. They can be very clingy so you spend most of your day feeding and holding them. If/when they finally go to sleep for the night you are DONE with being needed or touched. You just want to get away to your own little bubble to rest and think.

  You are often worried about whether they are eating enough, sleeping enough, going to choke on the banana, having enough stimulation/variety in their diets/tummy time/books read to them/wet or dirty diapers. You are constantly monitoring their moods, activities, body temperature. They consume all of your brain and most of your time. No wonder I didn't feel like my former self. Not only was I physically different, but my brain had received an influx of new information that needed to be processed constantly.

  Eventually they begin to feed themselves (which can turn into a battle because you're concerned they'll starve themselves or be nutritionally deficient), learn to crawl and walk on their own (which means baby-proofing the house, still losing a few items that you loved, and kissing a lot more ouchies), and start saying words (and you will regret teaching them "mommy" when they get to be two and say it every three seconds). You love seeing all of the new milestones and the beginnings of independence. But they still need you to help them change their clothes, teach them to be polite and enforce the house rules, brush their teeth, and work around their nap schedule (I love naptime!). They may still want to be carried everywhere and cling to you when in an unfamiliar environment. You still have to get past the looming hurdle that is toilet training.

  Usually sometime between three and four, your precious child is reasonably independent. They have few toilet accidents. They feed themselves and usually eat at least one vegetable and meat to supplement their snacking preference. They can get mostly or completely dressed for the day. They can play on their own a bit. They are (hopefully) still napping or having some quiet room time each day for your sanity break. They can tell you when they are hurt, hungry, sad or mad. They are more adventurous and not as reluctant to be separated from you (my experience, at least).

  There are still challenges like them having their own opinions and not always wanting to obey. Or picking fights with their siblings. They can't yet read or write on their own but I don't mind cuddling and reading books now that I am not always being touched by someone.

  Now that my children are older, I am rediscovering my passions and taking time to refresh myself. I have realized just how important self-care is and have time to do it. It is not easy when you're in the younger years and fear what will happen if you take a shower while the little ones are awake and unsupervised. If you're sleep deprived because your baby or toddler doesn't sleep through the night, of course you're going to be more run down and space out when you get a spare minute.

  Parenting kids through their first three years is tough (in my experience). It takes a lot out of you. But, take heart, it's just a season. You will once again have time for things that fill you up. Your kids will grow and change and you will do the same with them. You may be sad to leave the baby stage, but you have so many others to look forward to - school, activities, kids being old enough to do their own laundry. Give yourself grace. It's okay not to love every minute of every season.

  I am loving my kids' current ages. I am not loving homework time. I don't particularly care for the illnesses that appear when school starts. I love that they play well together. I love watching my six-year-old gain confidence as she learns new abilities like reading, riding a bicycle, dancing and playing the piano. I enjoy the imagination and creativity of my three-year-old. I love his sweetness and hearing him tell me he loves or likes me at least once per day (I know that won't last). I love that my oldest can help the younger one with things when needed. Every parent loves a specific stage in childhood. Right now I feel like this is my sweet spot.


How old are your kids? What age(s) do/did you enjoy the most? Did you also feel like the first three years of a child's life were the most challenging for you and your identity? If not, how did you successfully manage motherhood and self-care during the early years?

Seven Things I've Learned From My 3-Year-Old About Building Community

  My son, the extrovert, does not seem to mind Island Living. (This is the term I've coined to describe my family's experience of living and parenting away from family.) He creates his own community wherever he goes.

   At the gym he befriended an older gentleman who exercises in the pool most mornings. They had not actually heard each others' voices because of the glass between the pool and the lobby, but every day he would run to the glass to show Mr. Bob what to he had brought and Bob would pantomime back, I would try to interpret, and then Bob would splash the glass in front of Jackson. J worked hard on perfecting his thumbs up gesture so that he could flash it back at Bob. 

   I've actually now had a few conversations with Bob when we happen to meet outside the pool at the gym (and once at the grocery store). We gave him a Christmas card so he would know our names (before we had spoken) and he gave Jackson a Christmas present. I know that relationship would not exist without Jackson and his friendly nature (and I love when others take an interest in my children).

   Whenever we go to a park, the pool, a restaurant - wherever - Jackson inevitably strikes up a conversation with someone. Most of the time it is usually to ask another person to play with him. At three years old, he doesn't always remember to ask their names so he often refers to them as "kid" or "my friend", though if he learns their name then he will ask about them the next time we're at the place where they met.

   At restaurants he often turns around to ask the (usually) older girl what her name is. Once, to the shagrin of his grandparents, he turned to two teenage girls in the booth behind him and said, "Hello, ladies!"

   We were at the pool earlier this summer and he started talking to another mother about The Jungle Book. Later he went over to her while she was laying in a lounge chair and asked her to watch him while he jumped into the pool (before you think I ignore or neglect him, I was in the water waiting to catch him when he performed his magnificent feat). He checked several times to make sure she was watching, jumped, then immediately looked to her for her reaction. I appreciated her obliging him. 

   He has no fear of talking to unknown people. He assumes he will be well received, have a positive interaction and an immediate new friend. I love his boldness, innocence and confidence. I usually start a conversation with the parent of the child Jackson's playing with. I admittedly feel more awkward during these interactions than he does. I've probably lost my lack of inhibition through my own encounters with people over the years. I love that Jackson reminds me that there are always opportunities to have positive social interactions and meet some potential new friends.

Playing catch with a "new friend" at the park

  In honor of my gregarious son, I have compiled a list of seven things I've learned from watching him navigate his world. Perhaps I could gain quite a bit from acting more like him.

1. He's not bothered about lacking a built-in community. He's comfortable making his own wherever he goes.

2. He doesn't discriminate. He sees everyone as a potential new friend.

3. He is confident that he will be accepted and enjoyed for who he is.

4. He enjoys the community that is available to him rather than lamenting what he doesn't have.

5. He is not afraid to seek out community. He's not worried about looking weak or needy.

6. He seems to implicitly know that creating community benefits everyone involved.

7. He is not concerned about what others will think. He doesn't hesitate to ask for what he wants or needs.

Is there anything on this list that you could benefit from implementing in your own life? What have you learned from watching your own children navigate the world?

Is Balance Actually Possible?

I have been struggling a lot about finding a good balance between spending quality and quantity time with my kids and giving them time to play on their own so I can do house things or have some time to myself. I continue to read different things that encourage me both ways on this spectrum.

For awhile I feel encouraged to say "no" to some of the numerous daily requests to play with them so that they can use their imaginations on their own and spend quality time together as siblings. I still make sure we have time together doing the things they want to do with me. Additionally, every day there are 2-3 meals together (depending on whether my oldest is in school that day) along with the bedtime routine of story, prayer and song. I remind myself that it's helpful for the kids to know that sometimes there are other things that need to get done and reminders that the world does not revolve around them are good. It is okay for them to have to wait for things, just like they will have to when they go to appointments and restaurants. Patience is a virtue after all, right? We all are better off if we are able to entertain ourselves while we wait or when there's a lull in activities.

Other times I am reminded that this time of them being young is so short. Eventually they will not want me to play with them. I won't be the first person they come to when they have a question or want to talk. I will one day be the one pestering them to spend some time together (that thought makes me a little sad). These thoughts make me want to let the laundry and cleaning slide and take in as much time as I can with these kids who still adore me and want me to read them all the stories and play all the games.

But it is probably also not healthy to completely lose myself in my children. My daughter needs to know that a woman is more than someone who takes care of her children. Yes, it's important, but there are many women who don't have children and she could be one of those and it's good to know there are other aspects to womanhood. It's important that I take care of my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health as well. My children watch what I do and I want them to have a mother who is healthy and has some semblance of a balanced life. It's important that I make time for my husband and friends and other family. It's okay to spend time on hobbies or stimulating my mind.

It sometimes seems like there are so many things I'd like to accomplish in my day and I don't want to neglect any of them, especially my family. Perhaps it will help to remind myself that each day has its own opportunities and responsibilities and know that some days will be full of quality time with the kids, others will have time for personal fun and enrichment and still others will require chores and appointments. Perhaps I should take a longer look at my schedule, maybe the ebbs and flows in a week rather than individual days.

What about you? Do you feel like sometimes you're pulled in opposite directions between spending time with your kids and tackling all of the other responsibilities in your life? Have you found a good way of balancing everything? Or at least having peace and contentment about your choices?

Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World: A Review

As a parent I know that I have plenty of room to grow. Let's face it, it's a learn-as-you-go, trial and error kind of job (shhh, don't tell my kids!). I welcome resources that can help me reach my parenting goals (raising responsible kids who love Jesus and serve others).

There was a posting on Facebook to apply for the launch team for a new book coming out called Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World: How One Family Learned That Saying No Can Lead to Life's Biggest Yes by Kristen Welch. The name sounded familiar to me. I haven't read her other books but I have read a few of her blog posts. The title sounded like something my family and I could benefit from so I applied. And was accepted!

So I have had the opportunity to read the book before it's official release on January 26th. And I loved it! I would recommend it to all of my mom friends who are desiring for their kids (and themselves) to grow in gratitude and contentment.

There are so many truths and wise advice in the book I don't really know where to start so I will share some of my favorite quotes along with my personal thoughts. Before I get to that I want to let you know that the end of each chapter has a "take away" section that is divided by age range for kids so you can implement any valuable suggestions in an age appropriate manner (so helpful!).

Instead of happiness being a by-product of the life we live, it has become an elusive destination. And our culture is obsessed with pursuing it. We go into debt for it. We leave our marriages to attain it. We allow child-centered homes in hopes that our kids can achieve it. p.xiv

The conviction began in the introduction! It's true. We are striving for happiness, something that cannot be truly measured or really achieved directly. Perhaps that's why the Declaration of Independence talks about "the pursuit of happiness" rather than "the capture of happiness."

As uncomfortable as it sounds, parents who want less entitled kids have to be less entitled themselves, and parents who want to raise more grateful kids need to start by living more grateful lives. p.11

I have become quite acquainted with the reality that I have to practice what I preach. What I do says more to my children than any speech I will ever give. Our kids look up to us as parents. They see us as demonstrating what it means to be a woman or man, wife or husband, mother or father, responsible citizen, friend, employee, etc. Whatever they see us do will be added to the description of the roles they see us in and may one day have themselves.

I know I'm guilty of putting things on a pedestal as something we must acquire rather than showing gratitude for everything we already have. My thought processes need to change and I need to be and express gratitude in the little everyday things.

Entitlement winds its course through my home, and the more I've become aware of its subtle infiltration, the more I see and hear it blatantly. This is all I get? There's nothing else? From ice cream serving sizes to allowances, the opportunity to demand more is present. Is that all? I believe these three little words sum up the tone for those of us in most Western cultures. No one teaches us to ask that question or expect more. It's in our nature. p.17

I cringed at this paragraph because it is true. I see this sense of entitlement in my own heart and it is not pretty. Thankfully there is a remedy - thankfulness or gratitude.

"How can you be so happy?" I asked as I looked around at all he didn't have.                  "I have Jesus. He is enough," he answered confidently.                                                 His answer was my undoing. Because I had Jesus, too, but He wasn't enough for me. I wanted more - more money, more stuff, more to fill the emptiness. p.47

This is also so full of conviction. In our culture of more, the truth that Jesus is all we need is sometimes hard to accept and rest in. I know a lot of us find ourselves in the mindset of "Jesus and...". I know I have Jesus, but if I just had [a particular thing - status, job, house, relationship, health] then I could be content. Um, probably not. If you can't find rest in Jesus, then nothing else will give it to you. You (I) will be off to the next attainment if you (I) do receive what you (I) want.

We cannot give our kids stuff just because their friends have it. And we cannot give in to giving our kids stuff because our friends are giving it to their kids. It's a dangerous cycle that is hard to break. We cannot make our parenting choices based on what others are doing. We have to purpose our lives with intention or we will end up being just like everyone else, caught in a trap in our culture that demands that we fit in. P.58,boldness mine

I am all to familiar with this temptation. To look at the other parents with kids our age to see what the norm is. But I don't want my kids to fit into our culture. I don't want to do something just because it's the standard, especially if it's something I don't feel good about. I struggle with wanting to be accepted and approved of by others and it definitely holds true in my role as a mother. Parenting choices are so scrutinized these days that there's so much pressure to follow the herd so you won't be singled out and criticized. But if my choices are made out of fear of this occurrence, I am probably not doing what is best for my family.

I bought into the lie that it's my job to make my kids' childhood magical and fun, to guarantee that every day will be an adventure all about them.                                         Our children need to be bored. They need to kick their feet and wait outside of bathroom doors, unanswered. They need to be sent outside or to their rooms to play. They need to turn over the bag of tricks and find it empty.                                                               Because that's when they will discover they don't need stuff to fill their time. They don't need a plan for entertainment. They can create their own. p.74 

When we stop everything we are doing to meet the demands of our kids, we aren't really helping them. We are reinforcing their natural bent towards selfishness. We are telling them that what they want is most important. p.78

I needed this section so much personally. As a SAHM, I feel like part of the job description is entertaining my kids all of the time we're together. I do think purposeful, non-distracted time with them helps them to know that they are important, valued and loved. But if I defer all of my time to them I may become resentful and affect the quality of the time I do spend with them. They have plenty of toys and resources to occupy themselves while I do other things. I don't remember my mom spending all of her time with us when we were little. She also had to get housework, cooking and errands accomplished throughout the day.

It's probably quite healthy and beneficial for the kids to see that there are household responsibilities that need to be accomplished and that parents have lives that don't revolve around them. Providing opportunities to practice waiting and showing respect for others are valuable and imperative in their development into responsible adults.

It is also okay and necessary to not yield to their every request or desire (despite how adorable they sound asking). They also need to learn to accept "no." They need to see you and your spouse making one another a priority in daily communication and date nights.

This is the essence of a Christ-centered home - not getting it right the first or even the tenth time, but inviting Jesus in and letting Him heal our hearts and guide our lives. p.145

I love this reminder that we are never going to be perfect parents. Our mistakes ought to send us to Jesus for forgiveness, grace and guidance. It's encouraging to know that we're not alone in this journey.

Here's the simple truth that isn't so simple: Raising kids to be different from the world really does make them different from the world. This is true whether you homeschool them or send your kids to public or private school. Once you set them on that path, they will stand out when all they want to do is blend in. p.199

This is the tough part of parenting - knowing your kids may be teased as a result of your decisions. Even though the ultimate goal is worthy it's still difficult. I need to trust that God can bring good from all experiences - even (and usually especially) the hard ones.

Our kids are watching us. And when we feel like we are failing or we don't know what to do next, the answer is always to get closer to Jesus because when we do, those around us might just inch closer too. p.214

This is such an encouraging quote and a great one to end on. What is my ultimate goal? That my kids know and love Jesus. The best way for that to happen? Me showing them through my life (just like everything else).

Created by Michelle Mullins

This was a very long review of this book but it is so full of rich wisdom, conviction and encouragement that this is actually only a small snippet of highlighted parts of the book. If any of this resonated with you I highly encourage you to get and read this book.


Which of the above quotes stood out the most to you? I'd love to hear what part of this subject is closest to your heart.

Not My Proudest Moment

Everyone tells you that having kids will change everything. I have certainly found that to be true. I have had to shed my me-first mentality and care for the needs of others before myself (sometimes instead of myself, though not always successfully - selfishness is ingrained deep in us). I have changed occupations, developed a new group of friends and relationships, thought a lot more about the future and what is in store for me and my family and grown deeper in my faith.

One thing that has been forefront most recently is how much my words and behavior are noticed and imitated by my children. Some days I will listen to them playing together and they will pretend play that they are a family and one is the parent while the other is the child. They will parent like we have been parenting them. Sometimes it is sweet and reinforces that I am doing a good job. Other times, it is a gut check and reminder that my words are powerful and they are sponges soaking everything up.

My son is very active, often on the go. When I want him to pay attention to something I am saying (because I think it's important) I'll tell him to look at me (and sometimes turn his face to mine) in the hope that he will soak in more of what I'm saying. Now, I hear the kids saying "look at me" to each other during pretend play when the "child" is "in trouble".

This past week I was confronted with an inconsistency in my integrity. While out with my kids I experienced a situation that caused me shame and embarrassment. It was a combination of a lapse in close supervision and kids being kids. Nothing dangerous, but I panicked and we left rather than dealing with the situation. I chastised my kids when we got to the car but realized later that I was really angry with myself for not paying closer attention. I wrestled with feeling guilty all evening until finally I prayed about it. Through prayer I was able to work through my feelings and realize that it was not too late to apologize to those I had wronged and make amends for the situation.

The next morning I confessed the whole story to my husband (because shame was telling me to keep it quiet so that guilt could continue to hound me). I then spoke to my kids about what I did wrong and what I should have done. I apologized for speaking unkindly to them. I stated what I was going to do to try to make up for the situation. (Now, my kids are only five and two and I don't know how much the oldest took from what I said because I know the two year old didn't care, but perhaps it planted seeds in her for the future.) Later that morning I returned to the scene of the situation, acknowledged what I should have done and apologized. It was sooo hard and uncomfortable but I felt that it was what God wanted me to do. The person I spoke with was so gracious and kind to me. He accepted my apology and said that he appreciated my efforts. He said it was a sign that I had a good heart. I almost cried at his kindness.

God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. James 4:6

The best thing that has happened through all of this is that my guilt is gone! Yes, I could have owned up right at the moment (and obviously there is still growth occurring in this area but I also know that, in the past, I would not have owned up to my mistake and tried to make it right) but God used it as an opportunity to remind me that it's not too late to humble myself and apologize. It was an opportunity to teach my children that we all make mistakes (and they will hopefully also choose to try to correct them). My response will help to equip me for future situations that may arise. Hopefully the next time I begin to feel shame or embarrassment, I will stop and consider the best choice. Perhaps I'll develop a habit of responding with integrity so that my kids will learn the proper way to handle difficult situations.

"Train up a child in the way he should go;
  and when he is old he will not depart from it."
      Proverbs 22:6

Being a "Yes" Mommy

I just finished a book called Yes Mommy: The Mayhem and Madness of Not Saying No by Amy Sprenger where the author shares her account of going thirty days without saying "no", "don't" or "stop" to her children. The purpose was to try to lighten up a little in her parenting. She had the normal concerns that her kids would eat nothing but junk, be uncontrollable in public and possibly be injured from lack of boundaries. She did, at times, try to get around her self-imposed limitations by redirection and attempting to persuade them to make a different choice.

I have recently been evaluating my own parenting and trying to figure out how I can be more loving and encouraging to my kids. I am learning to carefully consider the reasons I am saying "no" to my children. Often it is because of my personal preference - I don't want to put in the effort or I might be slightly inconvenienced or I'll have more to clean up. If it isn't a valid health or safety issue or there isn't a time constraint, I am trying to say "yes" and the book helped remind me of the value of being open to my kids by saying "yes" to requests for activities and ideas of how to spend our time together.

My daughter is in preschool and has dressed herself for quite some time. Her fashion style is a bit eclectic, definitely different from my own. For a while I would try to convince her to change some part of her outfit so that she matched better but I realized it was only because I was concerned that others would judge me negatively for my daughter's fashion sense. Really, what does it matter if she wears a plastic pink tiara to preschool most days? As long as her clothes are weather appropriate I'm doing my job. It is one less thing on my morning to-do list and helps her gain independence (and isn't that a major goal of parenting?).

My creative and confident girl

I was an unusual dresser myself as a child. My mom said that she figured if I was teased at school for my outfits by other kids I might change how I dress but it wasn't important enough for her to fight about with me. I have chosen to take this road with my daughter as well. Of course, I still choose outfits for pictures I'm paying for and some special occasion events, but allowing her freedom the rest of the time makes it a non-issue.

More often than not saying "yes" is just about getting over my own preferences and agenda and opening myself up to fun and meaningful experiences with the kids. And being okay with cleaning up art supplies, fake snow, sand and sweaty, dirty, happy children.

Compassion and Mercy

For a while I have admitted that I struggle with compassion. For some reason it has been hard for me to get into another person's shoes and try to feel what they might be experiencing. I saw hurts and struggles and injustice from a distance but did not allow myself to get close enough to experience emotions.

A few months ago I started seeing and reading a lot about child abuse and sex trafficking. The more I read, the more horrified and outraged I became. I felt sick to my stomach at things that have happened to women and young children. I thought that these issues probably bother me because I have young children, a girl and a boy, and I cannot imagine either of them being victims of these things. I want to do everything in my power to protect them from the evil in our world. And I'm sure most parents feel the same way. Although thinking about these horrors causes me to pray for Jesus to come quickly and make everything right, I find myself kind of relieved to know that there is some compassion in me after all.

Then, of course, God slammed me with a new realization. What he wants from me is not compassion, but mercy. Mercy is compassion in action. It is taking these feelings and doing something about them. I love how God has patiently guided me toward his true desire. He has met me where I am and faithfully brought me closer to where I am supposed to be.

But I feel somewhat helpless at this point. What can *I* do to help prevent these injustices, to rescue and heal victims of injustice? I know that there are wonderful programs out there being the hands and feet of mercy. I *feel* like I don't have a lot of time or opportunity in my stage of life. Yet I know that if I research, God will bless me with an opportunity to help in this area right where I'm at. Lord, please move me from compassion to mercy!

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To ACT JUSTLY and to LOVE MERCY and to WALK HUMBLY with your God.   ~Micah 6:8~

One Struggle of a SAHM

Yesterday as I was scrolling through my Facebook feed I came upon a blog post from a stay-at-home mom. She was talking about how blessed she is to have someone come to her house and do a few hours of housework or babysitting every once in a while so that she can get out or clean or whatever. She mentioned the Titus 2 paragraph about relationships between older and younger women. As I was reading, I found myself whispering Yes!

Constant supervision is a must with a 1 year old!

I, too, am a stay-at-home mom. I, too, love my children and feel blessed to be able to spend the majority of my time with them. But, oh, how I would love a breather every once in a while. It would be so nice to be able to go to the grocery store alone during the day. Or head out to the post office. Or even just clean my house knowing that the kids are supervised. Yes, I have a husband who is willing to watch the kids while I run out in the evenings or on the weekends but he works all day too. He needs rest just as much as I do. And we both want to spend time together as a couple and together as a family. I usually feel rushed when I'm out and about if I know Adam is at home with the kids. I don't want to burden him longer than necessary.

It seems like it is becoming more and more common for families to live long distance from one another. That's our current experience which means that we get a break mostly when we hire a babysitter. Our families offers to watch the kids when we are all together either at our house or theirs but we see them so rarely I feel bad leaving them to go do something on my own.

For a long time I have felt that I shouldn't ask for help. This was my parents' situation when I was growing up - living far away from family and doing it all on their own (though maybe they did get breaks from kind, supportive people and I was too young to remember). Part of it is pride. I feel like I'm not "doing my job" if I'm not primary caregiver 24/7. But no one works all day every day without getting run down or slipping in their quality of job performance (note to self).

Now my mindset has shifted. I know that it is good for everyone if I accept offers of assistance. I am becoming more okay with receiving gifts of service with the knowledge that it is not a debt to be repaid but a blessing to accept with thanksgiving.


Any stay-at-home moms who would also like to be blessed like this? Anyone who has been blessed and would like to share? Anyone blessing a mom in this way? I'd love to hear about it!

For First-Time Parents:Maintaining (or Starting) a Quiet Time

This is Part Five of the First-Time Parents series. Check out the other posts about sleeping, napping, feeding and potty training.

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Becoming a first (or second or third…) time mother can be overwhelming. You likely are tired from frequent feedings and the huge learning curve that is your new baby. Life will never be the same so how are you expected to keep on with your previous life as usual? How are you supposed to find an extra 15/30/60 minutes in your day to spend time with God as you did pre-baby? More than likely, you won’t be able to replicate your previous quiet time schedule. However, if you are willing to be flexible and think outside the “quiet time” box, it is possible to still spend time with God in a meaningful way.

Image by graur razvan ionut at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Your day is made up of multiple cycles of feeding, changing, and putting your baby down to sleep. New parents are encouraged to “sleep when the baby sleeps”. If you have older children at home, this isn’t really possible. In this case, you could begin “quiet room time” for your older child/ren during one of the baby’s naps and use that time with God (or to nap initially, because honestly sometimes that’s what has to happen in order to function). Once you are getting better night time sleep you might be able to forgo the nap and turn it in to your time with God.

There’s another way to spend time with God and still get those much needed zzzs. The great thing about prayer is that you can do it anywhere at any time. Newborns eat 8 to 12 times each day. During that time your arms are occupied, but you can spend that time praying. Pray about your current circumstances, your new baby, other mothers, concerns that you know about, your church – essentially anything and everything. I found this was a great way to spend my time when I was up in the middle of the night for a feeding. It helped me to stay somewhat alert and the time passed a little faster. Perhaps God wants to create a new group of prayer warriors through new moms willing to make use of these chunks of time.

For time in God’s word, get a Bible app for your phone. You can then also read the Bible while feeding your baby (assuming you can feed and still have one hand free). If you need a guide for what to read, YouVersion has a variety of devotionals to choose from including several specifically for parents.

If you are someone who journals, you can attempt to type in a document on your phone, but that’s pretty tedious. Either accept that this part of your qt will have to go on the back burner for awhile or make time for it when your child is sleeping.

You will probably be tempted to temporarily suspend time with God in the early weeks. I would recommend attempting some of the above suggestions instead. You will be exhausted, frustrated, overwhelmed, and possibly experience some depression symptoms. You will want and need God’s provision for comfort, strength, endurance, hope, and peace more than ever. Be faithful to God and he will be faithful to you.

Eventually you should be able to get back to time with God that looks more like what you had pre-kids. Now that both of my children sleep all night I have been trying to daily get up thirty to forty-five minutes before my kids to spend time with God before the day takes over. It is a sacrifice for me (I love sleep) but I feel much better when I make God a priority.

Have you thought about how you might continue to meet with God when your current routine changes? Do you already have children and are working this out? Have you figured out a way to carve out time to meet with God each day and have advice to share?

Seasons of Life

Image by nenetus at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I know that I am blessed to have the opportunity to stay at home with my children while they are young. I have loved watching them grow and develop and reach new milestones. I know there are women out there who would love to be at home as well but are unable to for a variety of reasons. Nonetheless, it is not always exactly what I imagined or easy-as-pie every day. I know that our lives are full of varying seasons, none of which last forever (good or bad). In this season of parenting young children, I have continued to receive blessings that help me along the journey. One of those blessings are other women in my life.

Being home with two small children can hinder one's social life, especially if one is breastfeeding one of these children and said child chooses not to accept bottles. A child who needs to feed every two, three or four hours tends to put your day on a schedule that you really don't want to vary from. And we must not forget the naps in between these feedings. You don't really want to skip those either. So naps and feedings tend to take up quite a lot of time in a mother's day. Thankfully the time requirement for these things lessens as the child grows. However, it still makes it difficult to spend time with other people during the day, especially when there's an older child who also would like to be noticed and entertained. It seems like it'd be easy to hang out with people once the children are in bed for the night but then you also want to spend time with your spouse. And you have to alternate evening activities with said spouse so that you can both get some adult time while the kids are properly supervised. Yes, there are babysitters but they can be quite expensive so we don't use them willy-nilly. We are one of those families who don't live near family so babysitting is our only option when we want to go out together (or at the same time - though usually if we're both out of the house we are together (see cost of babysitting)).

I say all of that to say PRAISE THE LORD for women who are willing to work with my family's schedule and hang out with me at my house or with the kids in tow. Before children, my best friend and I would get together whenever the mood hit us. I had every other evening or weekend to spend time with the hubs so scheduling was much easier and carefree. 

When BB was born I was holed up in the house for a few months getting used to parenting and scheduling for a baby. I was grateful for those who brought by meals for us and would stay to chat for a bit. When you only have one child, and it's a baby, the daily conversation can be quite lacking. I did start going to a mom's group which was nice because everyone else had small children so no one cared about crying babies and are schedules were similar.

When BB was older my friend and I still wanted to get together for meaningful conversation. Sometimes we would meet for lunch or somewhere BB could play or be a little rowdy. Often times, she'd come over and have lunch at my house. We eventually started meeting during BB's nap time at my house so that we could talk distraction-free. I am so grateful for her willingness to meet at times and locations that worked best for my season of life.

I have found that to continue to be the case as our house has grown to four members. It's slightly more challenging with one who can talk in addition to a baby and his schedule. Thankfully, compassionate women have willingly met me and my crew at kid-friendly locations and patiently endured interruptions from my peanut gallery, some even kindly being stamped and stickered by BB.

This past Sunday at church a woman I am beginning to get to know offered to meet me and the kids at a park to hang out and talk. It means so much to me when others are considerate of my situation and reach out to bless me with friendship and adult time. These are the people that strengthen and encourage me as a wife, mother, and woman of God. It reminded me off all of the times women have done this in my three and a half years as a mom. I hope that I will remember how much these offerings of friendship mean to me once I have passed through this season so that I, too, will be able to do the same for other young mothers.

Have you had people in your life who have reached out to you in a specific season of your life and given you strength and encouragement? I'd love to hear your experience!