Is Balance Actually Possible?

I have been struggling a lot about finding a good balance between spending quality and quantity time with my kids and giving them time to play on their own so I can do house things or have some time to myself. I continue to read different things that encourage me both ways on this spectrum.

For awhile I feel encouraged to say "no" to some of the numerous daily requests to play with them so that they can use their imaginations on their own and spend quality time together as siblings. I still make sure we have time together doing the things they want to do with me. Additionally, every day there are 2-3 meals together (depending on whether my oldest is in school that day) along with the bedtime routine of story, prayer and song. I remind myself that it's helpful for the kids to know that sometimes there are other things that need to get done and reminders that the world does not revolve around them are good. It is okay for them to have to wait for things, just like they will have to when they go to appointments and restaurants. Patience is a virtue after all, right? We all are better off if we are able to entertain ourselves while we wait or when there's a lull in activities.

Other times I am reminded that this time of them being young is so short. Eventually they will not want me to play with them. I won't be the first person they come to when they have a question or want to talk. I will one day be the one pestering them to spend some time together (that thought makes me a little sad). These thoughts make me want to let the laundry and cleaning slide and take in as much time as I can with these kids who still adore me and want me to read them all the stories and play all the games.

But it is probably also not healthy to completely lose myself in my children. My daughter needs to know that a woman is more than someone who takes care of her children. Yes, it's important, but there are many women who don't have children and she could be one of those and it's good to know there are other aspects to womanhood. It's important that I take care of my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health as well. My children watch what I do and I want them to have a mother who is healthy and has some semblance of a balanced life. It's important that I make time for my husband and friends and other family. It's okay to spend time on hobbies or stimulating my mind.

It sometimes seems like there are so many things I'd like to accomplish in my day and I don't want to neglect any of them, especially my family. Perhaps it will help to remind myself that each day has its own opportunities and responsibilities and know that some days will be full of quality time with the kids, others will have time for personal fun and enrichment and still others will require chores and appointments. Perhaps I should take a longer look at my schedule, maybe the ebbs and flows in a week rather than individual days.

What about you? Do you feel like sometimes you're pulled in opposite directions between spending time with your kids and tackling all of the other responsibilities in your life? Have you found a good way of balancing everything? Or at least having peace and contentment about your choices?

More than Mommy Guilt

I have been confronted lately at how much I deal with guilt. I make decisions trying to avoid feeling guilty even when in my head I know I shouldn't feel this way. I think it is my desire not to offend or disappoint others that fuels my responses to these feelings of guilt. Trying to rationalize why I shouldn't feel guilty does not seem to work to ease the tension I feel inside. I'll share my two current conundrums.

I am visiting my family in another state for a few weeks. I always enjoy getting to spend time with them and giving them the opportunity to spend face-to-face time with their grandchildren. I always have fun exploring their city, playing games and making memories. When I'm here, I stay in the room upstairs away from everyone else and the main living room. My mom has encouraged me to sleep in and relax from my normal daily activity of getting the kids up and breakfasted (they are early Byrds like their dad). I have struggled EVERY DAY I've been here feeling guilty for not going downstairs to help the minute I'm awake. I have gotten up early(ish) to have some prayer and Bible reading each day and some days I'll also do some exercise before going downstairs. But whenever I know that the kids are up, my guilt awakens in my head telling me I should go downstairs and help because the kids are my job. It kind of sours the remainder of time I spend upstairs. For some reason I don't feel like I deserve to have a little time to myself to do things I enjoy. I feel guilty that my mom is doing "my job". It's silly. I'm sure mom enjoys getting some time with just the kids as we only see each other a couple of times per year. I just don't know how to feel okay about it.

This year I have been provided with an amazing opportunity. I was selected to be part of a book launch team for an author who has spoken truth and wisdom and laughter to me through her books. An online community has developed that is so open and kind and loving and encouraging. It is incredible. The author has consented to hosting a launch party for all of the team members in the fall. It sounds like an awesome opportunity for fellowship and to meet in person all of the encouraging people I have only been reading about. I have really wanted to go but struggled with knowing that it would 1) cost money (flight, hotel, rental car, food) and I do not provide any income; and 2) require me to leave my family for a couple of days and give sole parenting duties to my husband. I feel guilty about that because for some reason I feel like it'd be a burden for him. It's really dumb. They're his kids and he loves them and will probably enjoy the bonding time. I just know how long days on my own with kids can be and don't want him to be inconvenienced. I'm afraid he'll feel resentful that I am spending money on a solo venture and leaving him with the kids. As I write it, it seems silly, but that's what my inner monologue is saying. He's encouraged me to go for it which I had hoped would ease my guilt but it hasn't.

I may appear full of confidence but at the moment I am not. I don't know why I am feeling this way right now. I have been praying. I feel like the root of these feelings is being concerned of others thinking badly of me and being inconvenienced themselves. They have both told me otherwise and yet this permission still has not caused these feelings to cease. It's probably a battle with my people-pleasing tendencies. Lord, help me! Help me to accept the assurances I receive from others at face value and not think that secretly they are feeling put out. Help me to comprehend that taking time for myself is a necessity and not being selfish to the detriment of others. I struggle so much with feeling selfish and then feeling guilty when I don't need to be. Please give me peace and confidence. In Jesus' name, Amen.

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3

On Becoming Poor in Spirit

I have been terrible at regular posts. I'd like to blame the busyness of the Christmas season but I must also admit a bit of a lack of inspiration. Anyway, after yesterday's church service I felt a desire to write a letter to God as a response. I thought I'd share my heart with you today.

01-05-14

Dear God,

Thank you for reminding me this morning that I need to be humble before you and trust you to provide for my needs. I admit that I have gotten into the habit of pretending I am the expert on what I need and also pretending that I must also figure out how to meet my needs myself. I struggle a lot with independence (or rather willingly depending on others). Please forgive my pridefulness. I was not created to live life on my own or in my own strength. I know that my current desire for a deep friendship with another woman - a best friend if you will - is known by you. You know my needs and wants before I can verbalize them. I need to trust you to handle it. This is me admitting my dependence on you to meet my needs. Lord, give me what I need. I trust your wisdom and timing. Show me my next step - here I go wanting to do something. Help me to lay down a doing mentality and simply rest at your feet, accepting your gifts as you give them.

                                                                                                        Love,
                                                                                                       Megan