Year-End Review

We have arrived at the end of 2016! I have worked on specific goals all year and am excited to have the ability to make new goals for the coming year. If you want to read about previous months' successes and failures, click the appropriate month:  January,  February,  March,  April,  May,  June,  July,  August,  September,  October,  November.

1. One arts and crafts time with the kids each month

  December always seems to be a crafty month for me because of the Christmas holiday. I joked with a friend on November 30th that my daughter would ask to do a craft for 80% of the month of December. Three days in and we were sitting at 100%. The first day we did not do a craft because I could not think of anything at all. The second day I remembered that her great-grandmother had sent her home from Thanksgiving with a beaded wreath ornament craft so the three of us completed that one. On day three I got her set up to make a bracelet or necklace with another kit her great-grandmother had given her as an early Christmas present. She ended up making a bracelet for her best friend (I love that most of her crafts and projects become gifts to others. They other day she took a cardboard box out of the recycling bin and turned it into a guitar of sorts and gave it to her brother.).
  Jackson wanted something to do as well so I gave him paper, markers and stamps and he went to town making a picture of bad guys (his current passion). The requests slowed down after that but we still managed to get in quite a few artsy, crafty, and/or baking activities to celebrate the holiday season.

 

  We made candy cane reindeer for the kids to give away to their friends. It was my planned craft for December and the kids were excited about it. They, of course, wanted to eat them (my husband has gotten them addicted to candy canes) but they gave most of them away to friends.

 

  Kaitlyn asked to decorate my chalkboard for Christmas. I agreed and Jackson even got in on the action. It was supposed to be Christmas-themed but, of course, Jackson drew a T. Rex (the long thing starting from the lower left corner).

  We invited friends over to decorate sugar cookies. I definitely consider that an art activity as they are allowed to be as creative as they want to be with them. I also enjoy decorating the cookies and seeing what I can come up with. Along with those we made a variety of other cookies and even rice krispy trees which was fun.

  A friend gave us a kit to make origami star ornaments and I helped Kaitlyn with those. They were a lot like the paper stars we made in November.

  Another friend asked if I would bring a craft for our kids to do together because one of hers is like Kaitlyn in that he would do crafts all day if allowed and she is like me in the craftiness department. I tried out a dyed snowflake craft with Kaitlyn to make sure it would work and then took all of the supplies over to her house. Kaitlyn and my friend's son were the only kids that wanted to participate in the craft and they were so gung ho, making five or more snowflakes apiece. Definitely a success!

  I am glad that I made this one my goals for the year. It helped me to spend more quality time with my daughter. Now that she's in school and participating in various activities, it's nice to have some fun one-on-one time instead of just doing homework, practicing piano or driving to dance class. She is a creative person and this definitely tapped into an interest that I want her to develop even though I don't share it.

2. Blog at least twice per month

  The beginning of this month I continued to wrestle with my feelings of loneliness. After writing about my feelings, I had a few conversations with others that helped get me in a more positive mindset so that I could see my blessings and choose to focus on those. God is really working in my emotions and thought life. I am excited to see how he continues to grow and change me as I seek him more. I also wrote some thoughts about a book I had the privilege to read and review before it's official release in January.

  I am also glad that I worked on writing this year. It is a passion of mine and something I want to be more consistent in. Setting the goal helped me to be more purposeful and gave me a chance to explore various topics. I learned more about creating graphics (when I realized that you have to be careful about using others' photos without expressed permission). I hope that I can continue to grow in consistency and skill.

3. Grow in gratitude, contentment and generosity

  All three of these attributes are related. As I express gratitude for the good things in my life I grow in contentment of where I am and what I have. This contentment and gratitude combined gives me a desire to serve and give to others out of my blessings. December with it's season of love, joy and hope tends to increase the desire to bless others in meaningful ways.

  Continuing to express my gratitude in written form has benefited me. Writing is always a great way for me to really understand my thoughts and feelings. Journaling the things I am grateful for gives me a positive outlook on my life and God's love for me. I plan to continue with this practice of Immanual Journaling.

  Last month I admitted that I was struggling to feel contentment in my relationships. God has given me insight as I've wrestled with my feelings and I am feeling more appreciative of what relationships I do have as well as considering what my life might look like if God did give me what I think I want. I pictured a busier, more stressful social life with less time to continue to deepen the good relationships I currently have. My trust in God's plans and timing has increased which has helped me to feel more content in where I am and what I have.

  There were many opportunities to be generous to others in December. My family and I took advantage of some of them and also created our own opportunities. I really do think that I have grown in significant ways in using my resources to serve and bless others.

  I was concerned that such an intangible and immeasurable goal would be a real challenge but I am glad that I set it and worked on it throughout the year. I think it's good to consider qualities you would like to be a solid part of your character and look for opportunities to grow in them.


I was quite challenged by my goals this year but am proud for having made progress in most of them. I know I stopped memorizing scripture partway through the year. I aimed high and did not achieve that one but that's okay. I'm giving myself grace and acknowledging that I set more goals than I could manage. 

How did you do this year? What goals did you set and how did you do? Have you chosen a goal for 2017? Share it with me and we can encourage one another next year (once I figure out what my new goals are)!

Finding Hope in the Struggle

God is continuing to help me work out this struggle with loneliness. I have felt that others do not fully understand what I have been trying to express about loneliness. I do not find it difficult gathering people together but am familiar with the truth that it is possible to be lonely in a crowd. My deeper desire is to belong and to feel known and that doesn’t result from a bunch of surface relationships. My other frustration has been in not receiving many invitations from others. But God has recently helped me to understand and admit that I have been focusing on the minor annoyances rather than on the many blessings he has provided for me.

When I was in church on Sunday I felt that God was asking me to just let go of my frustrations, give him the whole situation, trust him to do what is best, and turn my focus toward the blessings and express gratitude for what I do have (rather than lament on what I feel I am lacking).

It is a blessing that so many people accept my invitations. Most of the time people are willing to get together with me or my family and I should not discount that. It is a blessing that there are a few people who do extend invitations to me and my family. I don’t know why I want more people to do that as I would then be overwhelmed and not be able to focus on growing deeper in a few special relationships. I do have several good friends who are dependable and invested and I am remorseful that I have not seemed more appreciative.

I also think I have been expecting too much from various situations, having unrealistic expectations as a matter of fact. I did enjoy the party I hosted recently but I went into it knowing I would not be able to have any really deep conversations with anyone because my focus would be on everyone feeling welcomed, comfortable and enjoying themselves. We went to a community gathering for church over the weekend and I knew it would be another evening of short, not-too-personal conversations and I was able to enjoy it for what it was. I cannot expect every gathering to fulfill my need to be known. 

I am continuing to learn that I can only be completely fulfilled and known in Jesus. I am working on being transparent with Jesus in meaningful time with him daily (because he already knows it all, why bother trying to cover anything up). I do believe that a large part of my struggle has been in trying to get people to meet a need only Jesus can fill.

I know the struggle is not over, but I have hope and confidence that I will be victorious in Jesus. I recognize the truth in Ephesians 6:12 “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” I have believed the enemy’s lies but have recently recognized them as being lies and have spoken truth to myself in these areas to refute the lies. The enemy is hard at work but I am becoming wise to his schemes and fighting back through prayer and God’s word. Sunday's sermon at church had a quote from John Piper about being “more than a conqueror” (Romans 8:37) meaning that not only do we defeat our enemy (as conquerors do), but our enemy actually serves and helps us. So our weaknesses and mistakes can be redeemed and become beneficial. I know the truth in that and was appreciative of the reminder.

I have struggled throughout the past few years but am seeing some hope and purpose in it. I know I have not always been wise or grace-filled in how I have handled everything but I know that I am covered by grace and pray for forgiveness from anyone I have hurt during this process. I am as flawed and fumbling as the next person. I pray that others would see the hope and God's faithfulness in my story. God has the power to redeem any and every circumstance and story.

Determining My Worth

  As a type A person, I am all about getting things done. I constantly have a to-do list I'm working toward crossing off. I feel like I'm being productive and wise with my time if I am doing something. However, I have been learning that the enemy likes to use busyness to keep us from being effective in loving and serving others. We think we're doing good things, but I often find that if my focus is on my to-do list then I am not making time to connect or interact with others. At the end of the day I may have cleaned the house, but I didn't have any meaningful relational interactions with friends and family.

  I have been trying to scale back on activities so that there is plenty of room for spontaneity or interruptions of my plans. I want to be able to answer a phone call or text from a friend or sit down and read a book or play Legos with my kids without it feeling like a disruption to my day. It's certainly not a poor use of my time even though the enemy tries to make me think so.

  This morning while journaling during my quiet time with God, the following statement emerged:

Your worth is not determined by your performance.

It struck me and made me pause in my journaling time. This is a truth I struggle with often. I know in my mind that I am loved regardless of my behavior. I am loved just because I am a creation of God's. But often times my behavior does not reflect this truth. I can get caught up in trying to do things to please God, or perhaps be worthy of his love and grace. I don't need to. I cannot be loved more or less than I already am. I can stop trying to impress God or other people.

  I know some of my efforts are to prove to others that I am a good Christian, whatever that means. It feels like there's an invisible bar I'm trying to reach in order to win the favor of others. This is impossible and yet another trap of the devil. He wants me to be endlessly striving, wearing myself out trying to achieve something that is unachievable. Nothing I do can every make every single person like me or approve of me. There will always be people who choose to judge me negatively. I cannot control others' perceptions of me. What I can do is rest in the knowledge that I am already loved and approved by the one who made me and knows me most intimately.

Am I now seeking the approval of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.          

 ~Galatians 1:10 

September Goal Review

We are officially into fall and it's once again time to check in on my goals for the year. You can read about previous months by clicking the links: January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August.

1. One arts and crafts time with the kids each month

  I wanted to do something fall related as I love the season but I didn't have a lot of time to come up with something. I decided it might be fun for the kids to make leaf rubbings so I gathered some leaves from around the yard. While they waited for me to get set up they worked on creating additional pictures. They seemed to enjoy leaf rubbing but it did not keep their attention long. .

I think J's favorite part was removing the paper from the crayons.

Self-portrait!

2. Blog at least twice per month

  For the month of September I decided to participate in all of the Friday Five writing prompts given over at MrsDisciple. I had fun writing about quitting as well as women and men I admire. The bookmarks post was fairly easy and did not require as much emotional involvement. The crying prompt, however, was challenging. It took me a bit to figure out what to write about. I am glad that I gave myself this challenge. I don't know whether publishing a post once per week is too much with all of my other responsibilities. I'm still working out all of my responsibilities and time management. I do enjoy writing and sharing I just don't want it to take away from my family. I also wrote a post about a great book I read recently.

3. Grow in gratitude, contentment and generosity

  I do feel like I have a more thankful heart toward God this month. I do still have negative mental rants here and there but it seems that a lot of my prayers include thanksgiving toward God for who he is, his faithfulness and his provision. I have written in my gratitude journal at least once per week. I am trying to appreciate the people in my life and the ways they bless and help me.

I love that my fall decor helps me to remember gratitude.

  I do feel fairly content with where I am. I am in a bit of transition at the moment but I am confident that God will bring me through and the result will be positive. I have what I need and appreciate what I have.

  I have been trying to continue to be generous to those around me with time, thoughtfulness, gifts, and encouragement. I could grow in the generousness of my grace and in thinking the best of those I come in contact with. I need to continue to believe that everyone is doing the best they can and that, if I am witnessing unkindness, then they must be having a bad day and the behavior is an anomaly. That's the kind of grace I would like to receive. I am not usually purposefully unkind or ungracious to others but I have bad days and bad moments.

  My verse memorization has fallen to the back burner. I love God's word and am encouraged by it but keeping this on my plate would be more stressful than helpful right now. Verse memorization tends to come in spurts in various seasons. I know I'll get back to it again for awhile and then take another break. I still know a lot of verses by heart that encourage me.


September's a wrap. How did the month go for you? Did you start a new goal? Let go of an old goal that is just too much write now? What did you accomplish or start in September that you're excited about? Tell me!

I Quit: Five Things I Want to Remove From My Life

  No one likes to be called a quitter. It has a decidedly negative connotation. It’s a word used to try to cajole others into continuing to persevere through a course of action. People continue on in an endeavor or commitment even when they might not think it the best decision for them because they fear being labeled a quitter. Why is quitting such a shameful thing?

  Sometimes quitting means realizing the futility of a specific task or path and choosing to go a different route. It’s admitting that there is nothing good to be had in continuing. There are a number of things that are good to quit: toxic relationships, unhealthy eating habits, lying, stealing, addiction, a job you hate that sucks the life out of you. In this context, quitting is a good, brave thing.

  There are some habits and thought patterns in my own life that I would be better off without. In these instances I believe quitting would be healthy and brave and beneficial. Today I want to share with you five things I’m going to work on quitting.

1)      Allowing fear to dictate my actions.

  I tend to overanalyze situations and decisions. I think about possible outcomes and the reaction that might come from them. I allow what someone might think or say about me to keep me from doing what I believe to be what is needed. What I need to do is be true to what I believe is right and not worry about how it might be received by others. I can’t control what others think or do and I shouldn’t allow a perceived reaction to hold me back.

  I also allow fear to keep me from taking steps toward accomplishing my goals and dreams. Part of the fear is criticism and rejection from others. The other part is negative self-talk that I am not qualified or smart enough or influential enough to write and publish an article or book. Who am I to think someone would pay for my thoughts and advice? If I never step out of my comfort zone and push through the fear, I won’t get to the satisfaction of trying and, perhaps, even succeeding. Fear wants to keep me ineffective. It wants to keep me from reaching out to others and perhaps encourage them with my words and experiences. What a shame if I allow fear to keep me immobilized.

2)      Trying to control everything about my life.

  I am a planner and scheduler. I like to know what’s going on in my daily/weekly schedule. I have tended to take the initiative to reach out to anyone I was interested in getting to know to set up a meeting or play date (depending on whether they have children). I have gotten overwhelmed, overscheduled, and burned out on a number of occasions. God has been working in me to learn to rest and to trust him with my life (schedules, relationships, etc). It’s still very much a work in progress but I have enjoyed a less structured, more leisurely schedule the past few months.

3)      Self-condemnation/negative self-talk.

  I’m sure many of us have that unkind voice inside of us that tells us that we are not enough. It likes to remind us of our flaws and failures. It tries to undermine our self-confidence. I believe it is related to perfectionistic tendencies. Something inside of us wants to be perfect and above reproach and we chastise ourselves when we show our humanness. I have struggled for years with my perfectionism. I am slowly accepting that it is not possible and I am only asked to show up and give what I have, whether that is much or little. If I approach each day open and willing to work diligently and with my whole heart, that’s the best I can do and it is enough.

4)      Pretending I have it all together.

  I think this kind of ties in with all of the above. I am afraid that if I show my flaws that I might be ridiculed or judged or rejected. Pretending I have no issues or needs is like a cocoon of protection. But just as it keeps hurt out, it also keeps love and acceptance from getting in as well. We all know no one is perfect but we like to act like we’re the only ones who have made mistakes or have scars from past experiences. I have learned that being open allows others to do the same and am working on putting down my self-protection front of pretending to be okay all of the time.

5)      Judging other people.

  I know that this is addressed in the Bible and is not a desirable trait but I still fall into this trap and it affects my attitude and words. I have read and know personally that we often judge others about things we know we struggle with as well. We tend to judge others to make ourselves feel better or more superior. However, judging doesn’t benefit anyone. It doesn’t improve my relationships with others. What I would prefer to do is to trust that everyone is doing the best they can. Everyone has a bad day and that might be the day I cross their path. I am not always observant of what’s around me and not considering those around me which may cause me to inconvenience or annoy someone else. If I can give myself grace, I ought to give others grace as well.

So these are five things I would like to work on quitting. Is there anything you would like to quit? If you’d like to read what other people are saying, head over to mrsdisciple.com. 

August Goal Review

We have officially completed the first month of school! It's once again time to check in on my goals for the year. You can read about previous months by clicking the links: January, February, March, April, May, June, July. Without further ado, let's get to it!

1. One arts and crafts time with the kids each month

  I realized we hadn't used paint in awhile so I suggested it for this month's activity. The kids really seemed to enjoy having a blank piece of paper, a plate of paint and free reign. They both painted two papers. K asked me to participate on the second one as she was working on creating "a gallery of artwork".

This was God watching over a sunset and some sheep.

The rainbow and hearts were my contribution. Paint is not really my creative sweet spot.

The finished (or nearly finished) paintings.

    When they were finished with the paint, my daughter asked if she could have supplies to decorate a cardboard box she had. I found some dinosaur stencils I thought J would enjoy. I helped him draw them on the paper and then he chose to decorate it with the same supplies K had for her box. They had a good time.

  Sometimes I feel like there isn't much of a point to these random arts and crafts time. However, I am understanding more and more that we all feel good when we are able to create something and express our creativity in some form. While a number of creations will eventually end up in the trash/recycling (shhh, don't tell the kids), I know the kids are proud of what they create and enjoy the opportunity to control what they make and what materials they use. My daughter always talks about how much fun it was. She would probably do it every day if given the opportunity (and I have to fight my guilt that we don't).

2. Blog at least twice per month

  Last month I posted something new three Fridays in a row. It felt good to have a regular schedule so I thought I would try to continue the Friday posts this month as well. I started with a post about five things I want to learn, the topic coming from a blog link-up I thought I'd try out. The second week I talked about my least favorite household chore because it was on my mind. The third week I started the week off with a post about a book I recently read (along with a book giveaway) and ended with a post about the challenge that is parenting children for their first three years of life. My final August post was a celebration of my 100th blog post! I successfully blogged each Friday in August which is a big deal for me. I'm already feeling overwhelmed at the thought of there being five Fridays in September and one week being on vacation so I'll go ahead and give myself grace not to post every week.

3. Grow in gratitude, contentment and generosity

  This month I got back into the habit of gratitude journaling most days of the week. It's very encouraging to think about blessings and joys and express my appreciation to God. It helped that we started a new schedule with school and I get a few hours without the kids three days per week.

  I struggled a bit with contentment this month. I am content in some areas of life but not all. But I believe my main area of discontentment has been a prodding from God to spur me to action to change the circumstances. I have been wrestling for months, waffling between decisions, unsure what the proper path is. I have made a choice but am nervous about embarking on this new path. I will trust God and ask him to lead me to a place of contentment in this area.

  My heart has been growing in a desire to be generous. I am more open to opportunities to practice generosity with various resources - time, things, money, prayers. I do still have stingy and self-serving thoughts but I know I'm a work in progress and will never be perfectly altruistic and others-focused. Any step forward ought to be celebrated.

  I did not memorize any new verses this month. I have been reading the Bible and receiving encouragement from specific scriptures but memorization did not make it on this month's to do list.


So, that was my month. How was yours? Did school start for someone in your household this month? Did it change your ability to work on your goals? Are you good at giving yourself grace when you fall short?

Dear Daughter: Learn From My Mistakes

Dear Daughter,

I love you so much! I know that you are only five years old as I write this but there are some things I want to remember to share with you as you get older so I thought I'd write them down now while I'm thinking about them. I pray that you choose Jesus while you are still young. I pray that you know how much God loves you and that he is trustworthy and has wonderful plans for your life. I pray that you will choose to love and honor Him with your life. I asked Jesus to be my Savior when I was 17, but I did not understand what it meant to follow him then and didn't really begin that process purposefully until I was nearly 20.

I wish I had been more secure in my knowledge of who I was in Christ and more confident in God's plans and provision for me. I struggled for several years with feeling shame at my failure and imperfection before learning that the shame and fear I felt were from Satan. God is love and perfect love casts out fear. There is no condemnation for those who belong to Jesus. I didn't fully comprehend that my first couple of years of college and believed the enemy's lies about myself. I pray that you do not also believe the enemy's lies and so I want to share some of my experiences with the hope that you might not travel some of the same roads I did.

I made a public profession of faith in Jesus and was baptized the spring of my junior year of high school. I had a friend tell me he already thought I was a Christian. I was actually really good at following the rules and acting somewhat like someone who was a Christian. I hated getting in trouble and was fine with playing the role of a "goody two shoes". It was not the outward manifestation of a heart who loved Jesus. So when I was baptized, I continued in my rule following because I didn't know that there was more to being a Christian. Perhaps someone had talked to me about how much Jesus loved me and encouraged me to deepen the relationship through prayer and reading the Bible but I don't remember. Sometimes I wonder whether I would have been more firm in standing up for what I thought if I had gotten that aspect of the relationship with Jesus while in high school.

Nothing major happened between 17 and 20 but I had some stumbles I was afraid to share for a long time because I thought it made me a bad Christian and I would be judged poorly by other Christians (and considered a hypocrite by those who didn't believe in Jesus). I allowed the physical boundaries I had set up for myself to be breached because I feared that if I stood firm I would be rejected (and I am a recovering people pleaser). At the time I did not trust that God had plans regarding my relationships and would provide me with a man who loved God and loved me enough to respect my boundaries. I sought man's approval over God's. I admit that I blamed others for taking advantage of my naivety and trust and for manipulating my emotions. I am learning to see that they are human, too, and were seeking love and acceptance like the rest of us. I understand now that they were trying to obtain that love and acceptance in the ways the world told them were right or normal. I'm not saying that there is not responsibility on all sides, I'm just saying that I don't think they were trying to purposefully hurt or take advantage of me. 

I share this with you to say that God is trustworthy and faithful. He knows what you need when you need it and will provide you with it at just the right time. This includes a loving, respectful relationship. It is important to remember that God's timing is not your timing. I know several people who dearly love Jesus and had to wait longer than they wanted to meet and marry their spouse. It is possible that you may meet your spouse in high school and college so I'm not going to say that dating during these times is fruitless but I don't think finding a spouse should be your main objective. I think you should focus on loving and serving God with your life. If you are pursuing his purposes, he will provide whatever is needed, including relationships. I believe that God will provide you with a spouse who respects you and your boundaries, one who does not put any pressure on you to prove your love for them. I believe someone who truly loves God and is pursuing Him themselves will be more concerned with increasing your intimacy with God than increasing your level of physical intimacy with one another.

Right about the time I started to understand more about what having an authentic relationship with Jesus meant, I met your father. In one of our first interactions I attempted to share my faith with him. It turned out he already knew Jesus, but it was a good start to a potential friendship. God's timing was perfect. I was seeking to know God more and was quite excited about what I was learning. As such it was a subject I brought up often and wanted to discuss with others. In our first few months of getting to know each other I was praying a lot more and seeking God's guidance. We were friends for about eight months (part of that time I was dating someone else, the rest was spent trying not to begin a dating relationship with your father before I studied abroad for a semester). Our first four months of "dating" were spent on pay phones using international calling cards and long emails filled with questions about one another. As hard as it sounds not having any physical contact for months, it was such a blessing. I feel like we were really able to spend that time focusing on our individual relationships with God and encouraging one another in our faiths. It helped secure our relationship to God, I think. Our dating relationship wasn't perfect (obviously since there was a break-up along the way - another story for another day) but I know God was in it with us and helped us become people who encouraged, supported, loved and were committed to one another. That's what I want for you - a spouse who loves you and God, supports you, encourages you in your endeavors and faith and is committed to you and your relationship together.

My precious girl, you are worth the wait. You are worth a commitment of love and faithfulness. You are worthy of a spouse who loves you and respects you and encourages you to become the woman God created you to be. You are lovable just as you are and there is nothing you must do to earn or be worthy of another's love. Jesus loved us before we loved and knew him. He found us worthy of love and sacrifice simply because we are God's creation. If Christ's love has no demands, then neither should man's. Love is something that is to be freely given without expectation or demand for reciprocation. Remember that God loves you no matter what and that your father and I will also always love you. You cannot lose God's love nor ours. It is yours regardless of your words, thoughts or actions. We love you and desire God's best for you and your life. We are proud of you and we pray that you will grow into the woman you were created to be, a woman who loves and serves God and others.

Love, Mom

Forgiveness and Love

This year there has been one section of scripture that I have continued to return to when evaluating my life. It is Matthew 22:34-40.

 Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"

Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these to commandments."

To make it easier to remember, it can be summed up as this: Love God. Love people. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially the "love people" part. I can be very task oriented at times which does not always leave room for people. However, I do desire to be more willing to exchange my agenda for God's, which usually is about loving and caring for others.

Recently there was a Sunday sermon about forgiving others. I recognized that I held a few small grudges against people, fairly insignificant things that wouldn't be very difficult to let go of and move forward. I don't feel like I have received large injuries from other people that might require more wrestling and struggling to forgive.

This thought led me to think of a friend of mine who is having serious relationship issues. They are currently enduring emotional pain and struggle. I realized that I held anger toward the spouse. I was thinking about my friend and felt sad that they are hurting and have limited control over the circumstances. I wanted to have someone to blame for the pain, hurt and mess and the spouse seemed like the obvious choice. Realizing these feelings I asked God to show me how I could love both people in this situation.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

God reminded me that the spouse is human, just like me. They make mistakes and poor choices that hurt others at times, just like me. They are probably hurt, confused, and frustrated themselves right now, just like my friend. They probably do not want to cause pain to their spouse. They desire the same things we all desire - to be loved, known and accepted. The spouse is worthy of love and respect, just like me. They are deeply loved by God, just like me. God desires to show them grace just as he has shown me grace.

God also reminded me that my friend's spouse is not really the enemy. Satan is the true enemy, the father of lies. With this knowledge, I ought to be praying for both my friend and their spouse. I need to pray for the truth to be spoken into this situation and into both of their lives. I need to pray for supernatural healing and restoration. Because of Jesus there is hope that this situation can be redeemed.

My heart is being softened and I'm learning that it is possible (though definitely not always easy or natural) to show grace and love even in difficult situations. Of course, so far the offenses against me have been minor and not very life altering or affecting. I have a strong suspicion that more grievous offenses require greater amounts of God's power to love and forgive and extend grace.

Earlier this week I learned that someone I went to high school with appears to also be struggling in their relationship. The person wasn't always the kindest to me so my first reaction was tinged with a bit of gladness at their misfortune. I was surprised at my callous reaction and realized it meant I still held some unforgiveness after all of these years. I asked God to help me to see this person through eyes of love and grace. This person also wants what we all want - love, companionship, acceptance. So I prayed that they would receive these things. I prayed that they would know that Jesus loves them and can comfort and help them during this difficult time.

I am so thankful that God is changing my heart toward others. I know that loving God and people will take my whole life to master but I desperately want to get better at both. It definitely is painful at times to learn how I am falling short in these areas but I know that it is necessary for change and growth.

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A Yearly Review

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I have been thinking back over the past year and feel like I have experienced a lot of personal growth as a person and in my relationship with God. It started when I began participating in the women's Bible study at our church where we went through the book Seeking Him. I have a few posts from last fall that speak about some of my experiences with the study (and I would HIGHLY recommend going through the study if you desire to grow in your relationship with God). I thought it would be fun to list some of the highlights of this past year for future reference.

Here is my recap of God's work in me this past year:

• a better understanding/grasp of God's grace
• the realization that I can't change me but I can ask God to do so and he is faithful (I used to think that if I just tried harder I would be better.)
• more consistent and meaningful times of prayer and Bible reading
• a stronger desire for and pursuit of God
• awareness of weak areas or strongholds in my life and a partnership with God to strengthen the weak areas and break the strongholds (related growth - believing God's truth instead of the enemy's lies)
• more time in God's word and hiding it in my heart (memorization, especially verses that speak to struggles I am dealing with)
• recognizing God's hand and provision in my life
• more purposeful/meaningful relationships with others
• increased recognition and following of promptings by the Holy Spirit
• choosing to seek God more in difficult times

So that's my list. I know that I am not always successful at all of these and I still have a long way to go in terms of living like Christ and for Christ. I need growth in choosing God's agenda over mine, consistently/constantly tuning my heart to God, selfishness (oh the selfishness), praying more for others, choosing opportunities to serve others more. The good news is that God is faithful will complete his purposes in and for me.

What changes have you seen God working in you this past year?

"With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." Mark 10:27

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:8-10

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever - do not abandon the works of your hands. Psalm 138:8

Compassion and Mercy

For a while I have admitted that I struggle with compassion. For some reason it has been hard for me to get into another person's shoes and try to feel what they might be experiencing. I saw hurts and struggles and injustice from a distance but did not allow myself to get close enough to experience emotions.

A few months ago I started seeing and reading a lot about child abuse and sex trafficking. The more I read, the more horrified and outraged I became. I felt sick to my stomach at things that have happened to women and young children. I thought that these issues probably bother me because I have young children, a girl and a boy, and I cannot imagine either of them being victims of these things. I want to do everything in my power to protect them from the evil in our world. And I'm sure most parents feel the same way. Although thinking about these horrors causes me to pray for Jesus to come quickly and make everything right, I find myself kind of relieved to know that there is some compassion in me after all.

Then, of course, God slammed me with a new realization. What he wants from me is not compassion, but mercy. Mercy is compassion in action. It is taking these feelings and doing something about them. I love how God has patiently guided me toward his true desire. He has met me where I am and faithfully brought me closer to where I am supposed to be.

But I feel somewhat helpless at this point. What can *I* do to help prevent these injustices, to rescue and heal victims of injustice? I know that there are wonderful programs out there being the hands and feet of mercy. I *feel* like I don't have a lot of time or opportunity in my stage of life. Yet I know that if I research, God will bless me with an opportunity to help in this area right where I'm at. Lord, please move me from compassion to mercy!

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To ACT JUSTLY and to LOVE MERCY and to WALK HUMBLY with your God.   ~Micah 6:8~

When Do I Need God?

There are plans for our church to train some people to be lay counselors. When I first heard about this I was quite excited because one of my dreams has been to be a counselor. I have a bachelor's in Psychology but have not yet pursued a master's degree. I wasn't able to determine exactly which route to take (MSW or MAC) before my life veered in a different (and wonderful) direction. I have talked off and on with my husband about whether or not to go to grad school when the kids are older. So when I heard there might be an opportunity to pursue my dream in a slightly different way, I was interested in pursuing it.

Before service yesterday one of the women involved in this potential ministry asked me again about my interest and mentioned a potential timeline for it. While I was sitting in church I was thinking about how exciting the opportunity would be I also thought about how much I would need to seek God when I stepped into the role. I know that I have no wisdom of my own that can encourage someone exactly how they need it. I know that God will know exactly how he wants to use me in others' lives and I will need to faithfully seek him to do this. I was excited by this, by stepping into a role where I needed to rely fully on God. 

And then it hit me. Am I saying that I am doing all of my current roles in my own power? Am I saying to God, "I've got this marriage and parenting and friend thing"? Because I surely do not! I cannot have a thriving, loving, encouraging, supportive marriage in my own wisdom and power. I am naturally selfish to the core and that will not work for marriage. Nor can I raise two kids with the compassion, grace, love, and wisdom that will yield godly adults without seeking God daily (sometimes hourly). I am too prone to frustration, tiredness and impatience. Without God, I cannot truly care for another person (we're back to that selfish thing where I focus on my little world). I cannot have a deep, intimate relationship with someone that includes genuine concern, compassion and giving of myself and my time. 

Duh. Thanks, God, for reminding me that I need you right now. You have already given me more than enough to bring to you each day.

I'm still excited about the potential new opportunity, but right now I will refocus on seeking God in the roles I currently hold.

Daily Grace

Our Wednesday morning Bible study, Seeking Him, has a workbook that asks very revealing questions. Through it I have been receiving a more accurate picture of myself. It has helped me to acknowledge my shortcomings which has been quite humbling. However, it has not left me to wallow in the corruptness of my character.

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A few weeks ago the topic of our study was grace. I realized that I understood the concept of Jesus' saving grace but had failed to grasp God's daily grace. I have often struggled to live the Christian life in my own power not realizing that I am not equipped to do so. Every time I have tried to "become a better person" on my own, I have failed. God's grace reminds me that I cannot be a Christian without Christ. Not just accepting Jesus as my Savior and then continuing on in my own power but instead asking him each day to give me his grace and fill me with his power to do the things God has called me to do through his Word.

A verse from that week helped connect it all together for me. Philippians 2:13 says God is the one who enables you both to want and to actually live out his good purposes. (CEB) It is so freeing to realize that it is God who first gives me the desire to do what is pleasing to him and then provides the power and ability to do so. If I am not asking him to do these things for me then I am trying to do them myself and am living with the mentality that I have to do things in order to be pleasing to God. The fact is that I am already pleasing to him because Jesus' blood covers me. 

Now I am not saying that I can continue to do whatever I want because it is God who has to change me. I still need to be looking for his guidance and seeking to live according to what he has told me through his Word. At the same time I don't have to beat myself up every time I fail in some aspect. I can be confident that God is working these things out in me. Paul reminds us that God's work in us will be finished at the proper time in Philippians 1:6 - being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Have you fully grasped the significance of God's grace in your daily life?

A Lesson in Humility: Part Two

Last week I shared a bit of my struggle with humility thanks to the awesome study Seeking Him I'm doing with some ladies at church. This Sunday we had a guest speaker, Damian Boyd from Vertical Church in Atlanta. I had switched nursery duty with someone and was bummed to be missing him speak as I had heard wonderful things the last time he spoke at our church (which I somehow also missed). After service my husband told me that after last week's post about raising hands in worship I needed to listen to the podcast of his message. Last night I had a little down time so I pulled up the message on my phone and got comfortable on the couch.

Oh man! If you think you know God or love God or are doing it right as a Christian you need to listen to his message. Actually, if you are a person you should listen to his message. It was powerful. It was convicting. It made me sad that I missed it live but thankful for the wonders of the technology age. I will share a little bit of what struck me personally.

He talked about how stoic a lot of us tend to be at church. Some of us are afraid to sing for fear others will hear our less-than-melodic voices. I was there once (and sometimes still am). Some of us are not very demonstrative and keep our hands by our sides or in our pockets. I am there most of the time. Damian sliced right to the heart and asked if that's how we act while attending or watching sporting events (appropriate as it's football season). Ouch! I have been known to yell and cheer and clap for a sports team and yet I don't do that with the same free abandon when worshipping God. How is a team of people - broken, imperfect people I don't even know - worthy of devotion and honor and praise much more than a holy, perfect God who knows me intimately, draws me close to him, guides me and blesses me? Something is messed up here and it's me. If this is how I act am I saying that I don't believe God is worthy of all these things? Or do I not think that he is present in a group of believers? Am I treating church like a religious obligation instead of an opportunity to spend precious time with my Savior and show my adoration for him?

In light of this revelation my little "breakthrough" of moving my arms away from my sides seems like an offering of worthless junk. I can see now that I actually took pride in my "accomplishment". And yet it pales in comparison to what God deserves. Oh, that he loves us anyway! It is blowing my mind at how gracious and compassionate and loving God is. I am thankful that he loves us so much that he blesses us in our small steps toward becoming who we were created to be and fulfilling our purpose. The gap between where I am and where I should be is a chasm that I am beginning to see more and more clearly. However, God has given me hope and experiential evidence that he will help me cross it. I am so thankful for the sins he is revealing in my heart and the truth he is planting. I feel that I am in the midst of a great humbling experience with God and look forward to the blessings it will bring along the way.

There was so much more to this message that cut me to the quick. Perhaps I'll expound some more in a future post. For now I encourage anyone reading this to go listen to it. If you missed the link up top, here it is again: When God Is In Our Midst by Damian Boyd.


Do you worship God as extravagantly as you do when supporting another person in an event? Do you struggle with pride and humility in some way? Have you personally experienced God's grace?