No More Faking Fine

  I had the privilege of receiving an Advance Reading Copy of the book No More Faking Fine: Ending the Pretending by Esther Fleece. The title is what intrigued me as I often feel like I am unable to be real about struggles or tough times in my life. I know that we need to be wise about who we share deeper things with but sometimes I get a little frustrated by the shallowness of many church relationships and interactions. I wondered if this book would talk about being more real in interpersonal relationships.

Created by Katie Gibson

  In the book Esther Fleece introduces us to the practice of lament, a prayer to God "giving voice to the hurt, frustration, and disappointment you've kept inside and silenced for too long." I was definitely intrigued to learn more about what it means to lament and the promise of increased intimacy with God and others. I really enjoyed the book and would like to share some of my favorite quotes.

God meets us where we are at and not where we pretend to be.

  I like this quote for several reasons. We are reminded that we do not have to clean ourselves up or reach a certain level of righteousness before God will accept us. God just wants our heart, regardless of its condition. He is the one that will work in us to make us more holy. This quote also reminds me that we can't hide anything from God. He sees the inner workings of our bodies. He knows all of our thoughts. There's no point pretending we're fine with God because he sees right through our pretenses. We are, therefore, free to be real and honest, even when it's raw and ugly.

What a kind God we have, who has warned us that pain in this life will come and has given us a language to relate to Him in the midst of it...When we begin to understand God as a God who weeps, we begin to see Him as someone safe to run to in the midst of our pain.

  It is actually comforting to be assured that pain is inevitable. We should not be surprised when hurts or challenges come. This world is broken and pain is one of the results of that. However, we can be confident in knowing that we can bring our hurts and struggles and negative emotions to him. He will not reject us or be offended. He loves us and wants us to bring him our pain so that he can provide healing.

We are going to have to stop comparing our pain to others and learn instead to take our pain directly to God, or we simply won't get anywhere..."It's not really a big deal" are words we will never hear out of the mouth of God.

  I know I am guilty of sometimes thinking that I have no right to be sad or complain because there are many people that have it worse than I do. There are probably people who would love to have my "problems" is sometimes the track in my head. But I was reminded that just because it might be small, it still exists and it still matters to God. He can heal things big and small. He just wants us to turn to him and come to the one who can comfort and heal.

Without the ability to fully lament, I also had no ability to fully forgive. And without forgiveness, I had no option but to live within my own vicious cycle of pain and bitterness.

  I like this reminder that we have to acknowledge our hurts and process them in order to be able to move into forgiveness. Many of us try to sweep things under the rug and avoid really looking at them and feeling our emotions because we don't want to deal with the pain. But ignoring it just allows the hurt to fester and bitterness to grow. Yes, the process of lament might be painful, but it's better than continuing to ignore an open wound.

I believe forgiveness to be just as much an act of God as His grace is. We need God's help to forgive, and we need a heavenly perspective to shift our focus off us and back on to God and His help. 

  I really loved the truth in this. I do often struggle with wanting to forgive but not really feeling like I am able. And here I am reminded that I am not supposed to try to do it alone, that it requires his help for true forgiveness. It comforts me to know that it's a partnership with God.

It takes courage to rest when the world sees productivity, full-throttle hustling, and chasing big dreams as things of ultimate value. It takes emotional and spiritual maturity to choose to opt out of these things temporarily and take care of your soul. 

  I struggled a lot last year with learning to rest. I always felt so unproductive and lazy. I am slowly learning that rest is necessary and can actually accomplish a lot of important stuff if I will trust God and his purposes. I am continuing to work on being wise with my time and activities this year. I have half-jokingly titled 2017 "The Year of Less".

  These were some of my favorite quotes from the book. It's official release date is this coming Tuesday, January 10th. If you pre-order it before then, there are a bunch of extra freebies for you. I would recommend making this part of your reading list for 2017!

The Word of the Year

  The beginning of a new year is often a flurry of activity for many people: resolutions and goals, reflecting on the past year, planning out the year ahead. In the past several years I have become aware of a large segment of people having a word of the year - a word that tells what they hope the year will bring, perhaps something to remind them of their focus and goals. It seems to have brought meaning to a lot of people.

  This year I thought it would be neat to have a word and see how it applies to my life throughout the year. Last year I felt God was asking me to TRUST and REST and so I was learning to live in those two words, though it wasn't something I set about working on.

  I don't really know how most people choose a word. I pondered something that would encompass an area I desired to grow in. At first I thought BELOVED would be good so that I could learn to be secure in the identity I have in Christ. I was praying about it in the early hours of the new year as I was trying to fall asleep. The word TRUTH stood out in my mind. It doesn't seem like a typical word - there's no real action to be taken (like COURAGE or BRAVE or UNSTOPPABLE). It seems kind of "eh". So I prayed God, is this what you'd like me to focus on this year? Is this my focus for the year - truth? And I think it is.

  I am quickly warming up to the word TRUTH. I am looking forward to studying the word, mainly in scripture. I know that God's word is truth. Jesus says that he is the truth. I am looking forward to really digging into truth. I know our society likes to say that truth is relative, that there is no absolute truth, that each person makes their own truth. I don't really agree with that so I am excited to set down some truth for me to anchor myself to and have firm footing.

  In addition to studying TRUTH in scripture, I think I am also supposed to work on speaking TRUTH (in love, of course). I have been a people pleaser for years, the underlying fear being rejection. I have been learning that I have an everlasting love in Christ so I do not need to fear being rejected by people. I will always be loved and accepted and valued in Jesus. So I would like to be more true to myself - honest about my thoughts, likes, dislikes, desires. I don't want to temper enthusiasm for fear of the buzz kills out there. I want to be able to express joy and disappointment and anticipation and not worry about what others may think or say.

  I am excited for the year ahead and excited to see what is in store. I know many people also choose a Bible verse for their year. I wonder if it's related to their word. It's probably a hope or reminder as well. I would like to do this, but I think I will wait for one to emerge from my study of truth in scripture.

Do you have a special word or verse for 2017? I'd love to hear what it is!

Nothing to Prove

  I had the privilege of receiving an advanced reading copy of Jennie Allen's new book Nothing to Prove: Why We Can Stop Trying So Hard which will be publicly available January 31, 2017. I had heard about this new book when she opened a Facebook group to help her as she worked to write the whole book in three weeks (she had written a different book but felt that God wanted her to write this one instead). She used her group for support, to bounce around ideas and have specific questions answered by her intended audience. I really enjoyed the book and want to share the parts that spoke the most to me during this time in my life.

I'm convinced every one of us is fighting some pressure, some suffering, some sin, some burden...Nobody is okay. fine. great. But, goodness, we are all tired of trying to pretend we are. 

  I often forget that we all have our own stresses and pressures in life. It often seems like there are some people who do not and I suppose they are just those that are able to hide their mess the best. I

  I do get tired of pretending that I am fine all the time. I am tempted at times to respond to the question, How are you? truthfully but most of the time I assume the person asking isn't really wanting to know, it is just an informal greeting. I do sometimes wish that I could just lay it all out there and not worry about how others perceive me.

If I were your enemy, I would make you numb and distract you from God's story. Technology, social media, Netflix, travel, food and wine, comfort.

  Through reading this book I acknowledged that I had been numbing myself in order to avoid dealing with pain, struggle and hard parts of life. I became more aware of the strategies the enemy has been using to keep me from being truly free.

I'm convinced nearly all of us feel this incredible pressure to prove we measure up in some way. Every morning we face the list of tasks left undone the previous night, the expectations of our family and coworkers, the burden to be the beautiful, strong, and gracious ideal humans that we're convinced the world, the church, and God require.

  I don't know about everyone else, but I definitely have struggled with feeling like I am not measuring up, that I am inadequate, that I am not enough. It has finally begun to sink in that, perhaps, that is what God wants me to realize. On my own I am not enough. I need God. He wants me to depend on him, to consistently seek him in my life. This realization has started to remove this burden that I've been carrying around unnecessarily.

To get to the place where God can be enough, we have to first admit we aren't.

  I have finally, deep down in my soul, reached this place where I know I need God and I believe that he is enough for me. In him, I live and move and have my being. I will never measure up but that's not my purpose. My purpose is to reveal God's love to the world and how else can he do that but seeping through my cracks and imperfections?

There is no remedy for your striving apart from finding your identity in Christ. He is your enough, and the degree to which you believe that is the degree to which you will stop striving, stop performing, stop trying to prove yourself.

  I believe that this is a true statement. I have striven for most of my life. I think part of that has been due to my type A, achievement-driven personality. It has not helped me to gain contentment and peace and I am now willing to try a new way, a way of rest and trust, belief and confidence in God.

Make it your goal to love and know Jesus as much as humanly possible and ministry will happen.

  I am comforted by this statement. I do want to love and serve others in meaningful ways that honor God. If my focus us on knowing Jesus more, if I abide in him and keep myself attached to the vine, then fruit will naturally occur. Knowing God brings the living water and nourishment that is needed for effective ministry. I have to remember that my job is to stay close, God's job is to produce the fruit.

  There were so many wonderful things I read in the book. I probably underlined a good third of it. If any of the highlighted quotes from the book resonated with you, I highly recommend ordering a copy. If you are an achievement-focused person or scared that one day you will be exposed at not being enough, then definitely check out this book!

Wrestling with Loneliness

I was thinking recently about the changes in my life over the past year. The first four months of the year were very busy and scheduled. I remember thinking that if I had a lot of activity it would get rid of my feelings of loneliness. It obviously didn’t because I wrote several posts about feeling lonely. Reading Jennie Allen’s book Nothing to Prove recently helped me to see that keeping a full schedule was the way I tried to numb myself from feeling lonely. I thought if I had a lot going on, I wouldn’t have time to be lonely. The only thing it did was keep me from facing my loneliness, allowing it to grow deeper while I kept it pushed back into a dark corner.

Being honest and admitting my loneliness was a good first step. But I was trying to find an external reason for my loneliness. I believed the lies that there was something wrong with me keeping others from inviting me to do things, that I was too much or not enough or just too normal/boring to be noticed. At one point I thought that maybe if my family had some huge issue or need, then people would see us, see my loneliness, and do something about it.

In May, God asked me to trust him with my loneliness. He asked me to set down my impulse to schedule things with people and allow him the opportunity to meet my need for connection and community. I set aside the month to see what God would do. I was pleasantly surprised to receive a few invitations from others. Not as many as I would like (I think I was still trying to stay busy to numb my feelings), but what I needed to be reminded that he is faithful and he cares about and for me.

I chose to continue to pare back my schedule over the summer and fall months. I have enjoyed not being so busy or rushed this fall. It has allowed me some spontaneous engagements and more time at home with family. I am also being reminded through this process that my worth is not determined by my accomplishments or achievements. I have often felt like doing less meant being lazy. But we need rest and refreshment and refusing to make time for both of those is not being a good steward of my body and health.

I am choosing to trust that there is a purpose in all of this. I have no idea what the big picture is, but I am enjoying the small things I am learning and the ways I am changing and growing. No, I don’t enjoy the waves of loneliness I feel but I am learning to turn toward God rather than away, which is my enemy’s goal.

Recently, my mentor and I talked about my struggle with loneliness. I was telling her what had been going on with our family and she noted that I have had a good amount of social engagement recently. I admitted that it’s not very challenging to get together with others. My frustration tends to stem from feeling that I have to shoulder the responsibility of organizing events and people. I wonder if it’s the enemy twisting my perspective to keep me from having community. Yes, I may have to ask people to do things with us, but most of the time I receive an affirmative which should be a sign that my company is enjoyable. And what’s wrong with being the organizer (as long as it is not completely draining)?

My mentor had more positive thoughts about my struggle. Perhaps the acute feeling of loneliness exists inside me in order to prompt me to reach out to others who may also be experiencing loneliness. I notice that not many people seem to invite others and perhaps they are too busy or also hearing internally that their presence is not desired or are fearful that their invitation will be rejected. Perhaps this thing that I lament can be the impetus that leads me to the community I so desire.

I have a friend who has organized her own birthday gatherings the past two years. She said she loved spending time with friends and would be disappointed on birthdays when she didn’t engage with others. She thought, Why not be in charge of my birthday agenda and invite my friends? It’s what I want and I know it’s worth it to put forth the effort.

This should probably be my perspective. And it is, sometimes. This spring I think I was just worn out and coming out of a season of too much work and not enough rest.

I am still swinging back and forth between trusting God and feeling contentment, and feeling lonely and left out. Perhaps this will always be a cycle for me. At least I know that God will always be with me and is able to provide peace and encouragement. I will place my hope in the belief that good will come from all of this and it will be to God’s glory.

Determining My Worth

  As a type A person, I am all about getting things done. I constantly have a to-do list I'm working toward crossing off. I feel like I'm being productive and wise with my time if I am doing something. However, I have been learning that the enemy likes to use busyness to keep us from being effective in loving and serving others. We think we're doing good things, but I often find that if my focus is on my to-do list then I am not making time to connect or interact with others. At the end of the day I may have cleaned the house, but I didn't have any meaningful relational interactions with friends and family.

  I have been trying to scale back on activities so that there is plenty of room for spontaneity or interruptions of my plans. I want to be able to answer a phone call or text from a friend or sit down and read a book or play Legos with my kids without it feeling like a disruption to my day. It's certainly not a poor use of my time even though the enemy tries to make me think so.

  This morning while journaling during my quiet time with God, the following statement emerged:

Your worth is not determined by your performance.

It struck me and made me pause in my journaling time. This is a truth I struggle with often. I know in my mind that I am loved regardless of my behavior. I am loved just because I am a creation of God's. But often times my behavior does not reflect this truth. I can get caught up in trying to do things to please God, or perhaps be worthy of his love and grace. I don't need to. I cannot be loved more or less than I already am. I can stop trying to impress God or other people.

  I know some of my efforts are to prove to others that I am a good Christian, whatever that means. It feels like there's an invisible bar I'm trying to reach in order to win the favor of others. This is impossible and yet another trap of the devil. He wants me to be endlessly striving, wearing myself out trying to achieve something that is unachievable. Nothing I do can every make every single person like me or approve of me. There will always be people who choose to judge me negatively. I cannot control others' perceptions of me. What I can do is rest in the knowledge that I am already loved and approved by the one who made me and knows me most intimately.

Am I now seeking the approval of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.          

 ~Galatians 1:10 

Made Well: Healthy and Healing are Not Synonymous

  I had the privilege of receiving an advanced copy of Made Well: Finding Wholeness in the Everyday Sacred Moments by Jenny Simmons. I tore through it in less than a week. I loved it so much. It spoke specifically to me about various experiences in my life now and in the past. I would highly recommend it to anyone who has suffered a loss or walked through a difficult path. Jenny is so honest in sharing parts of her story and does an excellent job of sharing the stories of loss others have entrusted her with. I am not sure how else to convey the pearls of wisdom and truth gleaned in these pages other than to share some quotes from the text that resonated deeply with me. If they strike a chord with you as well, I would recommend picking up a copy for yourself. It is officially available October 4! If you pre-order before it's release, there are some freebies to be had as well.

Healing happens all the time, even if a cure doesn't. I am invited to be made well even when the broken things don't get put perfectly back together.

  I think we all often struggle with wanting everything in this world to be made perfect by God. But he has not promised to restore us completely until we are in eternity. We must continue to trust in God's provision and his timing for our healing.

As if the physical body dying were not enough to contend with, there are other deaths in this life we must walk through as well. The death of marriages, friendships, dreams, careers, relationships, stages of life, sanity and health.

  It was actually encouraging to be reminded that we all experience a number of deaths in our lives. It is healthy for us to grieve the things we lose, but we should try not to allow our lives to be defined by them. Whenever we suffer a loss, God is there with us providing comfort and offering to bring healing however he deems best.

When confession and relinquishing control become daily habits, it becomes easier to live free. Each day we are learning to live under the grace of being sparkly clean.

  I am in the process of learning to relinquish control in various areas of my life. It is not easy and I will sometimes try to reestablish control multiple times, even though I know deep down that God needs to be in control. Giving things over to him and allowing him to be responsible does give me the freedom to walk in faith and trust.

 One can belong to everything and everyone, and most of us over-belong ourselves in our quest to find home. We belong to so many people and so many things that when we sit still long enough, we recognize the gnawing feeling that we aren't deeply known by anyone.

  I have felt this way recently. In my last season I was very involved in a number of things but still felt that I didn't really have a strong community. I was expending a lot of effort but the output was not as satisfying or fulfilling as I hoped it would be. I was still in want of a real community where I belonged and was known.

Belonging to all the things keeps us from truly belonging. I am endeavoring to live a life that does not come at the cost of frenzied fury. More often than not this is accomplished through intentional un-belonging. Un-belonging myself to the many things I yearn to belong to in order to consciously belong to the few. 

  This is my current season of life. Over the past few months I have removed a number of obligations from my schedule. I am trying to scale down to the essentials in order to determine what is truly needed and what I might add that would bring value and meaning to my life. It has been challenging and I am continuing to struggle through this process. I am trusting God's leading through this season and look forward to being on the other side and seeing what comes from this intentionality.

When the fear of missing out, the inability to say no, or the misguided belief that you must be everyone's savior causes you to perpetually accept opportunities and friendships you don't have space for, your road will become so crowded that you will find yourself wondering how you belong to everyone but don't belong to anyone. The gnawing loneliness and exhaustion will creep in.

  This paragraph defines how I was feeling before I began the process of "un-belonging". I have major FOMO and it still pokes at me but I am slowly learning that I cannot be part of every good thing. I am human. I have limits. My time each day/week is fixed. When I say yes, I am also saying no. I need to make sure my "yesses" are for something truly worthwhile.

The Western soul has been conditioned to fix itself. Self-reliance is regarded as a premium character trait. We do not know how to open our hands well and receive the gifts of others...We have forgotten how to graciously accept gifts. How to let love be lavished upon us. In a culture where we expect everyone to earn his or her own way, we must relearn how to receive. We must fight the voice that says we don't deserve it, we haven't earned it, it might come with strings attached, or it could be a con. It's a gift! Mutter "wow" and be in awe.

  I have struggled for years with self-reliance. I have hated asking for help with things. I dislike feeling like I owe something (even if it's construed as a gift I still sometimes feel this way). I have been learning that refusing gifts and refusing to ask for help keeps me from being in community with others. In accepting help and admitting my need, I am inviting others into my life to know me and for me to know them. I am learning just how important and valuable it is in receiving help (or gifts) from others.

Those are the big takeaways I received from the book. I hope the quotes encouraged and spoke to you as they did me. I would recommend checking out this book. It would make a great gift to people going through a difficult time as well.

Being Vulnerable With Your Spouse

  I have been listening to a podcast called Marriage is Funny, which is produced by a married couple that has been married about as long as Adam and I have. I have only listened to a few episodes and have started from the beginning (there are currently 40+ episodes). I love that they speak honestly about things that they have experienced and are able to insert a little humor into serious topics. From the first episode I have felt like we are kindred spirits and that they can relate to my experience of marriage (they talked about fighting about hanging a chandelier early in their marriage, our tension stemmed from making homemade pizza and painting our new house). It seems like we might be good friends even though our life paths have veered slightly (and the small fact that we don't live anywhere close to one another). I love how they are willing to be vulnerable with one another and their listeners. It has endeared me to them.

  A few days ago I listened to their seventh episode "Putting On A Bikini is the Best Way to Cheer Up A Crying Husband". The woman, Jessie, was talking about wearing bikinis, Gerard's perspective and the conflict some people have regarding Christianity and modesty. She then kind of veered off topic to share with Gerard (and the listening audience) that she sometimes struggled with feeling attractive to Gerard and needed him to tell her that he thinks she is beautiful more frequently.

  I, too, have struggled with the very same thing. The fact that she got choked up a bit sharing this, encouraged me because I also got the weird tear-strangled voice when I once said this to Adam. My immediate thought was relief that I am not the only one who has felt this need for their spouse to reassure them of their beauty. It seems anti-feminist to want to be attractive to my spouse, but the need is there regardless. It doesn't matter what others may think as long as I know the man who has won my heart thinks I'm pretty.

  I know that I am God's beloved. I know that he created me and did not err in the features I have. I know that I have his heart and that I am a delight to him. I suppose that ought to be enough, but I am human. I desire that reassurance from the person who knows me more intimately than anyone else.

  I remember how I hated to bring it up because I knew it might make him feel like he was somehow lacking. He loves me so well and demonstrates it in so many ways that I don't want to negate all that he does for me over one thing. Sometimes I wonder if what I feel is a need is actually the devil trying to drive a wedge between us. Regardless, I felt it was important to share something that felt important to me so that I did not feel resentful (and truly put something between us) and perhaps might receive the reassurance I desired.

  I am sharing this because I have now learned that I am not the only one who has struggled with this and am wondering if you, too, have also felt this way at some point. I want you to know that I understand and that your feelings are valid and normal. Please be courageous and share your heart with your spouse. It's very difficult for your spouse to meet an unexpressed need or desire. I pray that God would give you wisdom on when and how to express your desire and that your spouse would have a heart to receive your request without feeling personally attacked.

Trust and Rest: The Current Themes of My Life

  A few months ago I was introduced to interactive prayer journaling (found in the book Joyful Journey: Listening to Immanuel by E. James Wilder, Anna Kang, John Loppnow and Sungshim Loppnow). I have journaled my prayers for many years but a friend of mine said that this particular style helped her to really hear what God wanted to share with her. I am terrible at sitting in silent meditation trying to hear from God. My mind is forever wandering to my to-do list or something in the room that is distracting. Her declaration that she received clearer communication with God peaked my interest.

  I received the instructions and chose a day to try it out. I wrote a short prayer of gratitude to God. I was then to invite him to respond to my gratitude, writing down what I felt he was saying. I then had five prompts that I was to ask God to finish and record his responses. At the end of the exercise, I was to read out loud all that I had written.

  The whole process took between five and ten minutes. It felt very weird. I tried to write down whatever came into my head. I was a little skeptical/hesitant to declare that they were God's words to me, rather than my words to myself. However, if you're anything like me, you're not always very kind, positive or encouraging in your inner monologue. The things I wrote down were kind, compassionate, honest, truthful and loving. Reading the words was so encouraging and comforting.

  God cut to the chase and reminded me that he knows what is going on in my life and what matters to me. I received clarity, comfort, wisdom and a feeling of being truly known. As I have continued to practice this form of prayer, it has become less weird. It has grown to be one of my favorite ways of spending time with God.

  Two common themes have emerged through these prayer times. The first theme is God has been asking me to trust him. He has reminded me that he is faithful and has a good purpose for my life. I am an independent person and try to do and figure everything out on my own. I am not good at delegating to others because I worry that it will not be completed the way I would like it. I'm a bit of a control freak, you could say. God's constant reminder of faithfulness is helping me to open up to allowing him to guide me and to trust in his provision for various areas of my life.

  The other major theme has been encouraging me to rest. I am a go-getter and don't like to be idle when there are plenty of things that can be done (it's probably tied to my independent/controlling nature). I am the initiator of many of my get togethers with other people which has been draining lately. I tend to do housework during QRT (Quiet Room Time for my children) rather than use the time to rest and refresh myself. A wise person helped me to see how important this time is for me in order to be the wife/mom/person I need to be the rest of the day. Not using my little bit of daily free time wisely is noticeable in my attitude (specifically my patience levels).

  I feel like there is a reason for God's desire for me to rest right now and over the summer in addition to the benefits of a daily rest time. I am trusting God to provide the social interactions I need which is a huge deal for me - it's quite a stretch for me and I was quite tempted to make something happen the first few weeks. I tried to manipulate my agreement (which was to not do any inviting for the month of May). Instead I am working on trusting God completely.

  May was a very busy month because of the end of school and having our first trip away from home for the year. I am glad that I did not try to cram more things into the month. God was faithful in providing social invitations and activities. It almost seemed like he was showing off to me. Now that it's June, I don't feel like I am on a strict ban from inviting but I have seen the blessings of having space in our schedule so I want to be wiser in scheduling things and our time. Even though it's summer, we already had a number of commitments scheduled.

  I am definitely continuing to grow in both trusting God and resting well/wisely. I hope that I can continue to give things over to God in trust and rest confidently in the faith that he will continue to provide what is needed when it is needed.

Dreaming With an Open Heart

I have been thinking recently about dreams I have for my life, things I would love to do or to happen. I know we sometimes equate dreams with goals or bucket list items, but I believe those are all slightly different.

Goals are things I want to achieve and will take deliberate steps to accomplish. Some dreams could be labeled as goals but, often, dreams require more than just our own efforts to accomplish. Goals are measurable and you can usually determine ahead of time if you have the necessary resources to accomplish them. Yes, work is also required on our part for dreams, but even if we do all that we can, it doesn't mean the dream will be realized.

Bucket lists, to me, are kind of like fun to-do lists. Perhaps some people's bucket lists are lists of dreams but I think mine would most resemble a world map or adventure itinerary.

To me, dreams are heart-driven desires. I am more nervous about sharing my dreams than my bucket list because they are revealing and vulnerable. They tell others a lot about my heart. I have been thinking and praying a lot about it and have decided to share my dreams with you. I believe that bringing them out in the open where others can see them will allow God more room to move in these areas. He reminded me recently that the dreams he has placed in my heart (and, honestly, I don't know for certain which dreams are God-led and which are my own selfish ones), he will water and grow so that they will come to fruition at the proper time.

So, in no particular order, my current dreams:

• To be a writer (technically I am a writer now, but I am referring to receiving payment/compensation for my work)
• To write and publish another book (it'd be awesome to have an actual publishing house do it - see above dream)
• To go on a solo weekend retreat somewhere I can pray, see nature, read, write, be quiet and think (I've heard about monastic retreats which appeal to me)
• To attend She Speaks Conference, the writer/speaker conference held every July in Concord, NC
• A vacation with just my husband to a beach/island with great scuba diving
• A couple/family or several couples/families for true community (we like each other, enjoy each other's company, can share real/hard things and all make efforts to spend time together regularly)
• My kids to choose Jesus and desire to live for him (they are currently 6 and 3 but this is my number one desire for them)

There you have it. I don't know of any one thing listed that will happen this year. Next year, several have promise. I suppose that's part of why they are dreams. I know they are all possible but some of them I am powerless for them to happen (yes, I may have influence but I can't accomplish them in my own power) and so there is plenty of room for God to work. I am hoping and believing that all of these things will happen.

Are you willing to share some of your heart dreams with me? Are any of the dreams listed also on your heart as well? I'd love to know there is a kindred spirit out there. Together we can pray for God's work and provision for our dreams.

A Letter to My 18-Year-Old Self

Dear Eighteen-Year-Old Me,

Hello there! It's me, your 33-year-old self. It's been nearly sixteen years since you graduated high school and began preparing for college life. I know you are very excited to see what the next chapter of life would hold. I'm sure you are a little nervous venturing out on your own, especially knowing your parents will be 10+ hours away. Of course, you have been somewhat prepared for this having spent the majority of your summers away from your parents visiting relatives. It's just one more new adventure!

I know that you are not sure what you should study but have signed up for the engineering track at the suggestion of your parents. You will end up taking many more math and science classes than you end up needing for graduation when you finally find majors that best suit your wiring, but there will be a big upside to having taken engineering classes (specifically Statistics for Engineers). You don't know it yet, but that class will profoundly and positively impact your life.

If I could truly go back and offer you some advice before you begin your time at N.C. State (which you love, by the way), here is a part of what I would want to say.

Just because someone shows interest in dating you, it doesn't mean that's a relationship you need to pursue. I know you've only really dated one person thus far but not all relationships will be as positive and healthy as that one was. You need to work on deepening your relationship with Jesus and seeking him. God loves you dearly. He has a purpose for you that he will fulfill. Whether or not you end up with a spouse, God's plans will be better than anything you can imagine. If you have the desire for a husband, give it to him in prayer and trust him to provide in his timing. God is faithful and trustworthy.

Marriage is supposed to be a reflection of Christ and his church. Any dating relationship you have should be characterized by respect, love, grace and selflessness (from both of you). Here are a few questions you may want to ask yourself when considering a dating relationship. Does he love God? Does he attend church? Pray and read his Bible regularly? Is he involved in a Christian group, Bible study or other activity to deepen his relationship with Christ? (Experience will tell you that behavior is the best indicator of what someone believes.) Does he treat you with respect? Does he listen to and value your opinion? Does he try to push physical boundaries? Does he desire to see you grow and succeed? Will he encourage you in your relationship with Christ?

It is very important for you to answer the questions asked above about yourself. You are young in your faith and have a lot of growing to do. If you seek to grow closer to God and join activities that will encourage you in this way, you will flourish. Ask God to help you find these things. He will provide some amazing friends, connections and experiences.

I know that I cannot go back and change what you will experience, but I hope that what you learn can help other young women as they prepare for their own college career. To that extent, I wrote a book for college-age women (info below). I hope that they will learn from your experiences and avoid some of your mistakes. I have some sorrow and regret over choices made during college but, praise God, he has brought good from it!

Don't worry, you will have a fabulous time and meet some great people that you will still keep up with when you're my age (mostly thanks to the invention of Facebook that is not yet an idea in Mark Z's head). Your mistakes will not be fatal. You will learn, grow and change. You will become much more confident and self-assured as you age. You will also acquire a lot more responsibility so enjoy your relatively tether-free time in college!

Love,
Thirty-three-year-old Me

Between Us Girls: Navigating College Life as a Christian Woman

Will you head off to college soon? Or perhaps you've already started at a university and found the going a little rough? Have you prepared yourself for all that you may experience, both on-campus and off? Do you know how to strengthen your faith and locate resources to help draw you closer to God? Between Us Girls: Navigating College Life as a Christian Woman can help you prepare for campus life. In this book, you'll learn about... 

• Strengthening your relationship with God
• The importance of finding a Christian group on campus 
• The different types of guys you will encounter 
• What to do if you mess up 
• Potential stumbling blocks to your faith and your relationships 
• Straight talk about sex 

Through reading candid, real-life stories and advice from Christian women about their time at college, you'll discover that you're not the only one facing challenges and struggles on campus. Even more importantly, you'll learn about great opportunities for redemption, success, and a rich adventure with God.


If you are interested in obtaining a copy of Between Us Girls: Navigating College Life as a Christian Woman, please email me at  mybyrdlife at gmail.com. Copies are $10 each. Shipping is $3 (free if you're local and we can meet in person). Thanks!

Fourth Month Goal Review

April has come and gone and it's once again time to check in on my goals for the year. You can read about January, February and March if you'd like. Without further ado, let's get to it.

1. One arts and crafts time with the kids each month

I wasn't sure what the kids and I would do in April. They both had their own ideas so I went with them. My daughter had received a Sofia the First sun catcher to paint in her Easter basket and wanted to work on that.

My son also wanted to paint and used the dot paint set we had to create a picture.

When those projects lost their interest my daughter decided she wanted to get out the art set she had received at her birthday and create a picture. My son had received a Paw Patrol coloring book at Easter and chose to color in that for a bit.

Finished creations

In between assisting them I decided to work a little on my photography, attempting to create images I could use on the blog.

2. Blog at least twice per month

I managed to achieve this goal again this month. I blogged four times. One was a book review for a launch team I was on. The others were just feelings and struggles and thought processes.

3. Grow in gratitude, contentment and generosity

A new friend introduced me to interactive prayer journaling this month. It is an opportunity to more clearly hear God speaking to you. It starts out by sharing your gratitude with God. My journaled gratitude has ranged from family and friends to medicine to the beauty of nature. It has helped me to remember that I have so much to be grateful for and, I think, has given me a more grateful attitude and heart.

I participated in a spring cleaning challenge in April which I thoroughly enjoyed. It helped me to clean out parts of the house I have been meaning to but kept putting off. I was also motivated by our neighborhood's yard sale at the end of the month. I cleaned out a bunch of clothes from my wardrobe, unused toys and too-small clothes from the kids (We decided the kids could keep the money earned from selling old toys and would use it as an opportunity to introduce the "give/save/spend" idea with money. Neither really understands the value of money yet, but perhaps it's at least a helpful start for the six-year-old.), baby things we no longer need and other miscellaneous things from around the house. Anything I couldn't sell in the fall children's consignment sale was dropped off at Goodwill after the yard sale. It felt really good to purge so many things from the house.

I didn't receive any feedback about whether sharing specific instances of giving went against the verse posted so I will once again be vague. We did give in addition to normal giving this month. I probably could benefit from increasing generosity with my time, specifically giving more undistracted time to my children.

Here are my verses for the month:

So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. ~Galatians 3:26-28

I only ended up memorizing the above verse but it was technically three verses so I guess it counts. ;-) It was hard for me to get this one firmly in my memory.


So, tell me about your goals this month. What were you trying to do? Did you achieve it? Are you going to try again next month? Try something new? Fill me in!

Being Not Enough

The other day I was made aware that Jennie Allen (author, If:Gathering founder) was starting an online FB community. That was the only information I had to go one. I really don't know much about her. I haven't read any of her books. Something urged me to request to join the group. I figured I could always exit the group if it didn't work out.

Thus far there are over 3500 people in the group (I don't know whether it's been closed or people can still join). A bit overwhelming for this introvert, let me tell you, but experience reminds me that I don't have to try to keep up with everything that happens in the group.

Anyway, Jennie posted a video in the group (I guess it was FB Live) that I decided to watch yesterday morning while on an elliptical machine at the gym (the video was 30 minutes long and that's the best place for me to take 30 uninterrupted minutes). She talked about how she is working on her current book (and three weeks from deadline she realized the book she had been writing was not the one she was supposed to be writing) and was seeking some community to help her through this rushed process perhaps offering encouragement and support and letting her know the book matter resonated with others.

When she talked about the topic, it confirmed why I was in the group. I often (including presently) struggle with feeling like I'm not enough (or sometimes too much, but that's a different discussion for a different day). As she spoke, I was reminded that the true equation is: Me + Jesus = Enough. On my own I am sorely lacking. That is why I need a savior, someone to accept me as I am and cover my deficiencies with his sufficiency. When I am able to remember and rest in Jesus' sufficiency for me I feel free and loved and light. I am unburdened.

However, sometimes I forget this is the equation and act like it is actually: Me + Jesus + Works. This mindset only deepens the feelings of inadequacy. I have struggled throughout my faith life with trying to do things to please God or earn my salvation. Thankfully God reminds me that I am accepted and loved through my faith in Jesus and there's nothing I can or need to do to earn righteousness. Paul reminds me that it's in my weakness that God shows up. May I, too, boast in my weakness so that God may be seen in and through me.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 

2 Corinthians 12:9 

The Longing in Me

I recently read Sheila Walsh's new book The Longing in Me: How Everything You Crave Leads to the Heart of God. It is a really good read! Christian or not, we all have longings in our hearts that we are desperate to have met. Generally, at their most basic, they are the desire to be loved, known and/or accepted. As people, we tend to seek fulfillment in a variety of sources - relationships, careers, success, families, vices (gambling, alcohol, drugs, shopping, food, sex), etc. Most of us have found that these worldly things we seek do not satisfy. They may depress the acuteness of the longing but they do not remove it. That is because our longing can only be fully met by God.

In Sheila's book, she shares some of her own experiences of trying to find fulfillment in other places. She walks through a variety of longings, talking about a specific one in each chapter, while sharing her story. Sheila also shares the story of David from the Bible and shows us how he, too, had these longings and revealing how he handled them as "a man after God's own heart" (1 Samuel 13:14).

Here is the list of longings covered in the book: to be chosen, to be protected, for what used to be, for control, for your rights, for that one thing you think you need to be happy, to make everything right, for what would glorify God, to share the grace and mercy we've received from God, for God alone.

I think all of us can relate to at least one of these longings. I know I struggle with several of these - definitely for my rights, for what would glorify God, to be chosen, to share the grace and mercy I've received from God and for God alone. I love how she reminds us that we are not the only ones with these longings and offers wisdom in giving each longing to the only one who can fulfill them, God.

Each chapter had some wisdom and encouragement for me and I believe it will for each person who reads it. If you are feeling lonely, unloved, rejected, unknown, misunderstood or hopeless, I highly suggest you pick up this book and be reminded of how much you are loved, accepted and known by the one who created you. He will never leave you. He is ever for you and always with you. Trust in his goodness, love and grace. Let him fight on your behalf and redeem your circumstances for his glory. He is ever faithful!

The book is officially out today! If it sounds like there's something in there you can relate to, I highly recommend you get a copy. If nothing else, it will remind you of God's love, mercy and faithfulness.

Confessions of a Recovering People Pleaser

I have struggled for a long time with being a people pleaser. In recent years I have acknowledged this tendency and have tried to care less about what others might think of me.

As a Christ-follower I am loved and accepted unconditionally by God. I do not have to think, speak or perform a certain way to receive love and grace and favor. God loves me as much know as he ever has and ever will. He delights in me and continues to pursue my heart. He knows the depth and breadth of my potential and seeks to help me reach it. He is always for me, always with me, always on my side. What have I done to deserve such lavish love? Nothing. He offers it to me for free through Jesus simply because I am his creation. Who could want or need more than that?

But do I often live as this cherished beloved? No. Often I have striven to achieve the favor and acceptance of my fellow human. It's not hard to see why. People are everywhere, more than ready to offer their thoughts and judgments, reigning favor on whomever pleases them at that moment. It reminds me of the children's story, You Are Special, by Max Lucado. I have read it quite a few times to my daughter and have choked up on more than one occasion at the reminder that I am God's and it doesn't matter what other people think or say about me, what matters - and what is true - is what God says about me.

I just finished Sheila Walsh's book The Longing in Me: How Everything You Crave Leads to the Heart of God. At the end of the first chapter she invited the reader to write the following phrase on a card and stick it somewhere where it can be seen daily in order to become imbedded into the heart:

The God who created me has chosen me as His beautifully loved daughter. Because of that I can take other rejections in stride.

I so desperately want to live that phrase. I want my heart and actions to be focused on living as I have been created, knowing that I will be criticized but that God is always for me and will be my defense and my redeemer.

I recently reviewed my past and remembered some specific instances when I acted in a certain way in order to seek the favor of people even though I didn't necessarily agree or feel confident about it. No one specifically said that they would be disappointed or I would be rejected, but at the moment of decision I felt that choosing wrong would lead to rejection and, at the time, I cared more about acceptance than being true to myself. Perhaps reminding myself of these will help me to be true to myself in the future. Though, true to his nature, God has brought good from many of these experiences.

In the middle of seventh grade I moved to a new state and started in a new middle school (the worst). Someone asked me if I liked 501 jeans. I did not care much about clothing brands then (or now, really) so I assumed it was the cool brand. I said "yes" and then the person said, "That means you like (some boy in the class)." The person then teased me about liking someone I didn't even know. In retrospect, there probably wasn't a right answer to the question that would have spared me being teased. (I realized while writing this that I did start trying to dress more like who I thought were the cool kids over the next few years in hopes of fitting in more.)

In eighth grade homeroom one of the girls called me "Beast" one day when she realized that I had not yet started shaving my legs (I have blond hair so it's not really noticeable). That afternoon I went home and asked my mom to show me how to shave my legs. It wasn't really necessary but I didn't want to experience that rejection and ridicule again if I could help it. I bet it was just a one-time comment that she never thought about again but obviously it affected me as I still remember it 20 years later. I hope these experiences as "the new girl" have helped me to be more compassionate toward other newcomers I meet.

In high school a girl asked me if I believed in God. I did (I had not yet made a profession of faith) but I wasn't sure what she thought about faith and didn't want to be rejected so I said that I wasn't sure. Who knows what would have happened if I had been honest? Perhaps she would have asked me more about God. I doubt she would have shunned me but I still didn't feel completely accepted in my new school. (Feeling bad about not standing up for my belief in God ended up being a catalyst in seeking to learn more about God to determine what I really did believe which led to baptism.)

When I was applying to college I wasn't really sure what I wanted to study. My parents thought I should go into engineering since I was good at math and science and it was a field looking for more women. I moved forward in that major since I wanted to please my parents and didn't have anything strong in mind. In this case, I think it was beneficial to me. It wasn't going against any actual beliefs or thoughts. It may have helped my admissions acceptance having the label of "female engineering student". I eventually discovered that I much preferred psychology and it only required an extra semester of school (and more math and science classes completed than required for my official major, perhaps a negative of not going in undeclared). I also met my future husband in one of my engineering classes my last semester in that major (definitely a major benefit!).



I'm sure there are many more instances when I sought to please others rather than be honest in who I was or what I thought. I'm sure many of you can think of your own experiences. If you are brave enough to share, I'd love to hear them and be reminded that I'm not alone.

A Journey Through God's Faithfulness

Do you have an area in your life where you've seen God faithfully provide time after time? An area where you are confident that he will always meet your needs? I have one of those areas that I want to share with you. That area is employment.

It seems kind of funny that I have full confidence in God's ability to provide me with a job as I've spent the past five years as a SAHM. Though, truthfully, being at home is the job I wanted when I became a parent and I haven't had to find additional employment, so I can confidently say that he is still providing what is needed for me and my family through my husband's job.

My sweet kiddos

My very first job I worked at a berry farm for a week one summer while visiting my relatives. Two cousins and I spent Monday-Friday picking raspberries and blueberries. We were paid by the amount of berries we picked. It was an interesting job. I was probably late elementary, maybe middle school. I made about $50 for my efforts and was ecstatic. It was the most money I'd seen to date.

The summer after eighth grade my mom helped me get hired on at the Bed and Breakfast she worked. I worked several days per week cleaning rooms, basically whenever they needed me. I continued to work there during the school year on weekends and then in the summers again all throughout high school. I actually enjoyed the work because it was fairly solitary and routine. My best friend was hired on at some point so some days we cleaned rooms together which was also fun. It was a very positive first long-term job experience.

I was fortunate enough to earn a full-ride scholarship in college so I didn't have to work to pay bills or tuition. Toward the end of my junior year of college I was interested in finding an internship of some sort for the summer. I was interested in ministry but didn't have a definite direction. The pastor from my high school church offered me a part-time position to come work for him in the church during the summer and I gladly accepted.

Mission Trip (I'm in the gray sweatshirt on the left)

Since it was my old home town I knew a lot of people there. My best friend's mom offered to let me live at their house for the summer (my parents had moved away) so I was blessed with free housing. She worked at the court house and said that they needed someone to work there part-time during the summer while one of the staff was out and asked if I was interested. That summer I ended up working two part-time jobs in the same city. I spent my mornings at church and my afternoons at the court house. I learned a lot from both roles and know that it was God's provision for the timing and opportunities.

Mrs. P, my second mom

I graduated from college in December and was debating whether or not to apply to graduate school. The idea of having a student loan terrified me but I thought I needed a master's to be able to do any relevant work with my Bachelor's in Psychology. Most programs didn't start until the fall so I thought it would be beneficial to find a job while preparing grad school applications and figuring out exactly what I wanted to do.

I started applying for some church ministry positions in January. I applied for a youth pastor position at a local church. (I have no idea why I thought that would be a good fit for me - probably because I enjoyed working with the other young women in my church ministry and had been a chaperone on three or four youth mission trips with my old church.) I was called for an interview and decided I should start visiting/attending the church to see if it was a good fit for me.

On my second Sunday at the church someone introduced himself to me and somehow we got on the topic of my job search. When he heard I had a Psychology degree he introduced me to the pastor's wife and we set up a brunch meeting (very weird to look back on - some would say a myriad of coincidences but I know it was God's provision). When the woman and I met she suggested I look into residential group home programs for troubled teens. She thought my degree would be useful. I ended up not being offered the youth pastor position but I did look into the group homes. I looked at several similar programs in NC and VA.

I interviewed for a program in VA that was a residential group home where the youth and counselors lived outdoors year-round. Very intriguing but I wasn't sure my cold-natured self could survive the colder months (I helped serve meals outside in downtown Raleigh in January and my toes were extremely numb and super cold to the touch when I arrived back home) and it required a two-year commitment. In February I received an offer for the outdoor counselor job but ended up turning it down (the biggest reason being I wouldn't have been able to attend church while holding that position and I thought regular church attendance was important for my faith). I remember thinking that my parents probably thought I was crazy for turning down a job when I didn't have one or any other definite prospects but I had prayed about it and was confident that it was not right for me so I continued to search and trust God.

I decided to also look for local part-time work while I searched for something full-time and filled out an application at Old Navy. I received a call to come in and interview. I apparently did well with the interview (though I'm sure they were wondering why someone with a newly minted college degree wanted a part-time job) and they offered me a job in logistics (sorting and putting out inventory). I really enjoyed the job. I like order and neatness and a minimum sales role and it met those criteria. I enjoyed the other people I worked with as well as the quiet, early morning hours. It was a fun experience.

While working at Old Navy I continued to seek full-time employment (by this time I had decided that maybe grad school was not right for me at this time). I found a group home program in my city called Methodist Home for Children and decided to apply for a Resident Counselor position. During the summer I received a call to come interview for the position. The interview was near Burlington, about 50 minutes from Raleigh. I went for the interview and felt like I did well.

Toward the end of summer I felt led to quit my job at Old Navy. I had been enjoying it and didn't have any other offers but I chose to trust God and put in my two weeks' notice. During my last two weeks I received an offer to work for MHC. They said they didn't know whether I would work at the Raleigh home or the Burlington home but they'd let me know at training (I was living in Raleigh). I accepted and looked forward to the training in a few weeks. At training I learned I would be based in Raleigh but I did end up working a few shifts in Burlington and one in Durham.

The turnover rate for a Resident Counselor was pretty high as it is a very emotionally and mentally stressful job. The average counselor lasted six months. When I started working I knew I could only work for about eleven months (I became engaged between accepting the offer and starting training), as I was getting married and moving at the end of July the following year, so it seemed like a challenge to beat the average.

They were not kidding about the stress and learning curve of the job. While working at MHC I became sick from mono for the second time in my life (they say you can only have it once, but I showed them!). I ended up working there until May (nine months). I enjoyed most of the people I worked with and learned a lot from the experience. I'm hoping it prepared me well for when I have my own teenagers living in the house.

I moved to Georgia in August after I got married and tried to settle in to married life, a new church and finding new friends. I spent a few months learning my way around and working on my culinary skills. In the fall I decided it was probably time to look for a job. I applied to a bunch of different job positions I found online. I visited a temp agency to try to find work that way. In December I had an interview with a local university to work in their department that contacts alumni about financial donations. The first interview went splendidly well and I was called for a second one. The next interview I felt like a deer in headlights. I was not prepared for being interviewed by six people and had not done my research on the department. I assume I didn't get the job as they never called me back to let me know either way.

In January I went to a luncheon for people interested in helping with the youth at church. I sat next to a woman and we somehow talked about my job search and what I was looking for. She told me to send me a resume because she was thinking about quitting her current job and thought I might be a good fit for a replacement. So I did. The program director called me to invite me to come in for an interview for the position. I used my experience from the last interview process to read up on the company and position and prepare myself. I felt pretty good after the interview process and was offered the job.

Some of my former co-workers

I started the job the same week we bought our first house (which would place me 30 minutes closer to my new job from the apartment we had been living in). I really enjoyed my new co-workers. I felt like the company and my role were beneficial to others. I worked as a Parent Counselor at a Child Care Resource & Referral Agency and spent my time helping parents find local quality child care that met their needs.

Toward the end of my second year at the company I was beginning to feel stressed about my job. The reporting requirements changed several times which was confusing and there was discussion of moving my position to downtown Atlanta. In my church small group one evening I shared my stress with work during prayer requests. Our group leader, who was also our church pastor, called me a couple of weeks later and asked if I might be interested in working part-time as the admin for the church. I was excited at the prospect but wanted to discuss it with my husband and pray.

We had begun the discussion of starting a family and the plan was for me to stay home with our children when that time came. I thought moving to part-time would help us to move toward the goal of living off of just my husband's income. Others suggested we just save all of my current paycheck but I knew a gradual step down would be more helpful for us and we could work on saving all of my new paycheck. So I accepted the offer and started working at the church.

A fun group to work with (and a complete opposite male/female balance from my previous job)

I loved working in the church office doing administrative things and whatever else was asked of me. I enjoyed spending time with the pastors and having opportunities to go to conferences like Catalyst. During my first year of working at the church I became pregnant. My boss mentioned to me that he wanted me to go to a conference at the end of April the following year and I said I didn't know if I could make it. He first thought I was quitting but was excited to learn it was just close to my due date.

My (wonderful and compassionate) pastor told me that I could bring my baby in to work with me in order to be able to keep working for the church. I decided to try it out. It worked okay for awhile but as my daughter grew, the work schedule began hindering her naps so I chose to quit and officially stay home full-time when she was seven months old. I was very sad to end that job as it had been my favorite work environment and experience to date.

My adorable office companion

Well, there's the majority of my work history (minus random odd jobs and babysitting). It is so amazing to see all of the ways God led and provided for me. The orchestrations of meeting specific people still blow my mind. Whenever I think about how trustworthy God has been in this area of my life, I am inspired and encouraged to trust him in all of the other areas.


So, now it's your turn. Where do you feel God has been most faithful and trustworthy in your life? I'd love to hear and be inspired by your story!