Wrestling with Loneliness

I was thinking recently about the changes in my life over the past year. The first four months of the year were very busy and scheduled. I remember thinking that if I had a lot of activity it would get rid of my feelings of loneliness. It obviously didn’t because I wrote several posts about feeling lonely. Reading Jennie Allen’s book Nothing to Prove recently helped me to see that keeping a full schedule was the way I tried to numb myself from feeling lonely. I thought if I had a lot going on, I wouldn’t have time to be lonely. The only thing it did was keep me from facing my loneliness, allowing it to grow deeper while I kept it pushed back into a dark corner.

Being honest and admitting my loneliness was a good first step. But I was trying to find an external reason for my loneliness. I believed the lies that there was something wrong with me keeping others from inviting me to do things, that I was too much or not enough or just too normal/boring to be noticed. At one point I thought that maybe if my family had some huge issue or need, then people would see us, see my loneliness, and do something about it.

In May, God asked me to trust him with my loneliness. He asked me to set down my impulse to schedule things with people and allow him the opportunity to meet my need for connection and community. I set aside the month to see what God would do. I was pleasantly surprised to receive a few invitations from others. Not as many as I would like (I think I was still trying to stay busy to numb my feelings), but what I needed to be reminded that he is faithful and he cares about and for me.

I chose to continue to pare back my schedule over the summer and fall months. I have enjoyed not being so busy or rushed this fall. It has allowed me some spontaneous engagements and more time at home with family. I am also being reminded through this process that my worth is not determined by my accomplishments or achievements. I have often felt like doing less meant being lazy. But we need rest and refreshment and refusing to make time for both of those is not being a good steward of my body and health.

I am choosing to trust that there is a purpose in all of this. I have no idea what the big picture is, but I am enjoying the small things I am learning and the ways I am changing and growing. No, I don’t enjoy the waves of loneliness I feel but I am learning to turn toward God rather than away, which is my enemy’s goal.

Recently, my mentor and I talked about my struggle with loneliness. I was telling her what had been going on with our family and she noted that I have had a good amount of social engagement recently. I admitted that it’s not very challenging to get together with others. My frustration tends to stem from feeling that I have to shoulder the responsibility of organizing events and people. I wonder if it’s the enemy twisting my perspective to keep me from having community. Yes, I may have to ask people to do things with us, but most of the time I receive an affirmative which should be a sign that my company is enjoyable. And what’s wrong with being the organizer (as long as it is not completely draining)?

My mentor had more positive thoughts about my struggle. Perhaps the acute feeling of loneliness exists inside me in order to prompt me to reach out to others who may also be experiencing loneliness. I notice that not many people seem to invite others and perhaps they are too busy or also hearing internally that their presence is not desired or are fearful that their invitation will be rejected. Perhaps this thing that I lament can be the impetus that leads me to the community I so desire.

I have a friend who has organized her own birthday gatherings the past two years. She said she loved spending time with friends and would be disappointed on birthdays when she didn’t engage with others. She thought, Why not be in charge of my birthday agenda and invite my friends? It’s what I want and I know it’s worth it to put forth the effort.

This should probably be my perspective. And it is, sometimes. This spring I think I was just worn out and coming out of a season of too much work and not enough rest.

I am still swinging back and forth between trusting God and feeling contentment, and feeling lonely and left out. Perhaps this will always be a cycle for me. At least I know that God will always be with me and is able to provide peace and encouragement. I will place my hope in the belief that good will come from all of this and it will be to God’s glory.

Trusting God's Timing

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you are probably aware that I have desired a mentor in my life to help encourage me in my various roles and to offer wisdom when needed (if you're new check out this post and this post for details). There was a woman who filled this role for me when my daughter was young. I've been without a mentor for about three years now and have prayed for an older women to be interested in encouraging me in my journey for about as long.

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The first experience was so positive and encouraging to me and has kept the desire for another relationship like this alive in my heart and mind. I do understand that the experience will not be the same due to a number of factors - I have changed in three years (though I'm still a SAHM with littles) and it would be a different person with different experiences and a different relationship with me - but the core of the experience should still be there (a woman further along life's journey who is genuinely interested in me and my life and is willing to challenge me in various areas of my life).

Last week I met with a woman who said that she was interested in being a mentor-type influence for me. It was a welcome surprise to hear her say this. I already felt comfortable enough with her to share without fear but my introverted nature desired this official permission to share all areas of my life - successes, struggles, questions. I'm so used to doing most of the listening in my relationships that it is so freeing and energizing to be invited to share myself. When someone seems truly interested in hearing what's going on with me I feel loved and supported.

The meeting was quite timely. There was a lot going on with me and I received encouragement and wisdom from this woman. I absolutely believe that this was God's answer to my prayer and that he set up the timing of this meeting and has been preparing our hearts for a deeper connection with one another. I am excited to see what God does in and through this relationship. He is so faithful!

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose...under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1

Still Struggling

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The day after I wrote my last post, my verses for the day's study were from Titus 2 where it talks about older women training younger women. I felt a pang of disappointment at not having this type of relationship. Even though I am choosing to trust God's timing, it's still difficult and has not removed my longing for this type of relationship. I thought I'd share my devotional for that day so that you can see what my personal study looks like.

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Titus 2:3-5

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, and to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

Older women are instructed to actively encourage/teach/mentor younger women. Even in my thirties, I am considered an older woman to those in their teens and twenties. My five-year-old daughter is probably watching me to help establish her identity as a girl and learn what it means to be a woman, wife and mother. This means I should be very aware of how I present myself and represent Biblical womanhood.

Even though I can be an example for some, I still desire to have an older, wiser woman help me to be a better wife, mom and Christ-follower. My mother lives far away so it is harder to have this type of mentoring relationship with her. I know that God can develop all of these traits in me on his own, but I desire community and relationships with others and I still struggle.

I think that's the detriment of our mobile society. It's harder to establish and maintain close relationships. Many people live away from their families which removes them from having built-in community and support Humans were made for relationships. It's how we grow and thrive. Family will always be there - you can't get rid of them (good or bad). Friendships tend to be more delicate, vulnerable to time and distance. 

Lord, I am trying to trust you with my needs and relationships. I struggle so much in this area of close relationships. I don't know exactly what I desire but I know that you know what I need. You love me and will provide at the proper time. Amen.