Self-Care Benefits Everyone: My Spa Day Revelation

   For Christmas this past year my mother gave me a spa day to use when I came out to Boise for our yearly visit. I was in charge of choosing the place, the services received and the appointment date and time.

  Massages have kind of become part of my Boise experience. I think my mother has gifted me a massage the last three years of visits, which I completely appreciate and enjoy. Last summer I had received an amazing massage from a woman at a spa in the area. I was amazed at her work on my hands and humorously wondered if I could write massages off as a business expense if I ever became an official author/writer (I'm still curious if anyone has some insight). Unfortunately, the masseuse is no longer at the spa so I searched around for local spas and settled on one that had a package of a facial, 90 minute massage and pedicure - pampering from head to toe!

   My experience was incredible! Not only was it relaxing, it was also a very restorative and spiritual time for me. Each of the women allowed me to receive the treatment in quiet, with only the wordless, peaceful music playing - heaven for this introvert who had been around half a dozen + family members for nearly three weeks. My focus wandered through four different parts of the experience - the physical sensations of oils, lotions and hands, the various pleasant scents from the oils and lotions, the relaxation feelings of the experience where I nearly fell asleep multiple times, and the time just to hear my own thoughts and prayers about life, family and friends.

   I was somewhat surprised at the strong spiritual aspect of my experience. I don't recall previous spa sessions to have felt so purposeful and meaningful. Perhaps it is because all previous experiences were approximately 50 minutes in length and this was much longer so I could relax more fully. I loved the time for my mind to process my thoughts and feelings and let go of stress and worry while my body and muscles did the same with help.

   At the end of the experience I felt relaxed, of course, but also infused with peace, patience and energy. Before my appointment I had been short on patience and a generous spirit with my children (it is summer after all, 24/7 family time). Afterward I was more loving, kind and ready to engage with them. When I next spoke with my husband on the phone (he was not with us for the last two weeks of our three week trip) he noted my energy and more positive attitude. More proof that I was a bit worn down.

   This experience has been further evidence to me of the importance of self-care. I was reminded of the kind of mother/daughter/person I can and want to be when I meaningfully take a step away from normal life to refresh and recharge myself. (It was only four hours! Full days and weekends not required for refreshment - a revelation and encouragement to me.)

   I am continuing to learn and experience the benefits of self-care. The toughest obstacles I tend to face are guilt that I'm being selfish and struggling to feel worthy of self-care. I hope to continuously remind myself that my family and friends benefit when I care for my physical and mental health.

Conflict in Relationships

I am an introvert. I prefer one-on-one conversations to a large group setting. I am not very physically or emotionally expressive. The thought of public speaking makes my heart race. In a public setting I worry about standing out in the crowd. On my wedding day I was most nervous about having a group of people (even a group I know and love) focusing their attention on me as I walked down the aisle and said my vows. I like spending time alone doing quiet activities like reading and writing.

This isn't to say that I am anti-social. I enjoy hanging out with friends, going to cultural and sporting events and some parties/large gatherings. Part of it depends on my level of comfort with the people who will be attending or how much I will be noticed. I am usually fine as long as I know there will be at least one familiar face. I tend to hang out and talk with one or two people at a party rather than try to meet and converse with everyone.

I did go to an event this summer where I knew there were going to be over 200 people and I really didn't know anyone. I had met one of the attenders earlier in the summer but there was no guarantee I would see her in such a large crowd. I was quite nervous about it, but I considered it a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and chose to push through the uncomfortableness. Per usual (for me) I met someone early on who was friendly and then spent the majority of my time talking and learning about her. It made the party much more enjoyable to feel like I knew someone and could talk with her (which, of course, went deep quickly as opposed to two hours spent on the weather).

I recently read Susan Cain's book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. It was such a good read! I would encourage other introverts and people living with introverts to read it. It helped me to see the benefits of my personality as well as encouraged me that there's nothing wrong with the way I was wired (the book talks a lot about the Extrovert Ideal as what our society has come to prefer and encourage).

There was a section that talked about relationships and conflict. Susan gave an example of a couple, one an introvert and the other an extrovert. Each temperament thinks and handles conflict differently. Introverts tend to try to minimize conflict and keep the peace, which means they tend to get quiet and anger tends to cause them to withdraw into themselves. Extroverts are more comfortable with conflict and are more passionate and loud when they are trying to work out an issue. Their volume/passion tends to increase as they get closer toward a resolution. Extroverts tend to be external processors, working out their ideas out loud, whereas many introverts are internal processors, working out their thoughts in their heads before voicing them.

I can see how the introvert's problem-solving process would frustrate extroverts. While I'm trying to decide what I want to say and how I want to say it (preferably in a way that is not inflammatory or hurtful and will lead to a peaceful resolution) it seems like I'm closing myself off and not contributing to the conversation. Meanwhile, an extrovert is passionately voicing his/her thoughts and feelings in the hopes of coming to a resolution but if feels like an attack to the introvert. The louder or more fiery the extrovert becomes, the more uncomfortable, stressed and quiet the introvert becomes. You can see this creates a terrible cycle that is counterproductive.

I liked the explanation of how each temperament handles conflict because it helped remove the feelings that affect understanding. I learned that the extrovert is not attacking but earnestly trying to express their underlying emotions and achieve reconciliation (the same goal as the introvert). As an introvert I need to remember that conflict is inevitable and not bad in itself. I need to allow myself to deal with the tension I feel and be willing to walk through it in order to resolve issues. I also need to be more vocal during conflict and give input even if it doesn't seem perfectly crafted yet.

Having read and thought about conflict and the different styles of dealing with it, I feel more empowered to deal with future issues when they arise. I'm sure it will still feel uncomfortable and I will have to remind myself that it's not necessarily a personal attack but more likely a genuine desire to resolve a grievance.

And, of course, you can see I've done a lot of internal processing to come to this conclusion.

Trusting God's Timing

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you are probably aware that I have desired a mentor in my life to help encourage me in my various roles and to offer wisdom when needed (if you're new check out this post and this post for details). There was a woman who filled this role for me when my daughter was young. I've been without a mentor for about three years now and have prayed for an older women to be interested in encouraging me in my journey for about as long.

Image courtesy of nenetus at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The first experience was so positive and encouraging to me and has kept the desire for another relationship like this alive in my heart and mind. I do understand that the experience will not be the same due to a number of factors - I have changed in three years (though I'm still a SAHM with littles) and it would be a different person with different experiences and a different relationship with me - but the core of the experience should still be there (a woman further along life's journey who is genuinely interested in me and my life and is willing to challenge me in various areas of my life).

Last week I met with a woman who said that she was interested in being a mentor-type influence for me. It was a welcome surprise to hear her say this. I already felt comfortable enough with her to share without fear but my introverted nature desired this official permission to share all areas of my life - successes, struggles, questions. I'm so used to doing most of the listening in my relationships that it is so freeing and energizing to be invited to share myself. When someone seems truly interested in hearing what's going on with me I feel loved and supported.

The meeting was quite timely. There was a lot going on with me and I received encouragement and wisdom from this woman. I absolutely believe that this was God's answer to my prayer and that he set up the timing of this meeting and has been preparing our hearts for a deeper connection with one another. I am excited to see what God does in and through this relationship. He is so faithful!

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose...under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1