Dreaming With an Open Heart

I have been thinking recently about dreams I have for my life, things I would love to do or to happen. I know we sometimes equate dreams with goals or bucket list items, but I believe those are all slightly different.

Goals are things I want to achieve and will take deliberate steps to accomplish. Some dreams could be labeled as goals but, often, dreams require more than just our own efforts to accomplish. Goals are measurable and you can usually determine ahead of time if you have the necessary resources to accomplish them. Yes, work is also required on our part for dreams, but even if we do all that we can, it doesn't mean the dream will be realized.

Bucket lists, to me, are kind of like fun to-do lists. Perhaps some people's bucket lists are lists of dreams but I think mine would most resemble a world map or adventure itinerary.

To me, dreams are heart-driven desires. I am more nervous about sharing my dreams than my bucket list because they are revealing and vulnerable. They tell others a lot about my heart. I have been thinking and praying a lot about it and have decided to share my dreams with you. I believe that bringing them out in the open where others can see them will allow God more room to move in these areas. He reminded me recently that the dreams he has placed in my heart (and, honestly, I don't know for certain which dreams are God-led and which are my own selfish ones), he will water and grow so that they will come to fruition at the proper time.

So, in no particular order, my current dreams:

• To be a writer (technically I am a writer now, but I am referring to receiving payment/compensation for my work)
• To write and publish another book (it'd be awesome to have an actual publishing house do it - see above dream)
• To go on a solo weekend retreat somewhere I can pray, see nature, read, write, be quiet and think (I've heard about monastic retreats which appeal to me)
• To attend She Speaks Conference, the writer/speaker conference held every July in Concord, NC
• A vacation with just my husband to a beach/island with great scuba diving
• A couple/family or several couples/families for true community (we like each other, enjoy each other's company, can share real/hard things and all make efforts to spend time together regularly)
• My kids to choose Jesus and desire to live for him (they are currently 6 and 3 but this is my number one desire for them)

There you have it. I don't know of any one thing listed that will happen this year. Next year, several have promise. I suppose that's part of why they are dreams. I know they are all possible but some of them I am powerless for them to happen (yes, I may have influence but I can't accomplish them in my own power) and so there is plenty of room for God to work. I am hoping and believing that all of these things will happen.

Are you willing to share some of your heart dreams with me? Are any of the dreams listed also on your heart as well? I'd love to know there is a kindred spirit out there. Together we can pray for God's work and provision for our dreams.

Here In My Struggle

A week or so ago I admitted that I am in need of community. I feel like I have made efforts toward this goal off and on for quite some time. I have managed to have small communities - mom groups, tennis team, small groups, Bible studies - but they have all been for short seasons. I have not managed to hold on to a group where I really feel known and wanted for any real length of time. This does not suit my temperament. I am fiercely loyal, which can cause me to hold on to relationships longer than I'm supposed to, and thrive on deep relationships, which are not built overnight and probably another reason I try to hold on to the ones I've built even if the season has passed. It is a bit disheartening when one of these relationship ends (you could call them a best-friend type relationship) because there has been a lot of time and effort and vulnerability and courage poured into it. The thought of starting all over again is daunting and a little frightening. You never truly know if someone is safe for your truth until you offer it.

Anyway, I have been feeling lonely and a little discouraged lately and have been trying to figure out the reason for this current season. I believe that God has a purpose in this but am not sure what it is. This month I have been making plans with others to get together and work on forging stronger, deeper relationships and nearly all of them have had to be cancelled or rescheduled for a variety of reasons. I am thinking that God is behind it.

What is going on God? Are you trying to tell me something? Do I not really need community? Or am I trying to use community to fill something in me that only you can fill? Are you trying to show me that you are enough, that you are all that I truly need? Do I not think that you are enough for me? Are you trying to get me to dig in deeper with you, to seek you more, to become immersed in your word more? Do I need to grow in my intimacy with you? With my spouse? Do I need to be more open with my husband about feelings and struggles and needs? I feel like you and he are the only two relationships that consistently remain right now. I have a couple of meet ups scheduled the next two days and I feel like they are going to be cancelled too unless I can figure out what you're trying to say. And I know it's not some great mystery that is difficult to uncover because you enjoy my struggle. There is a holy purpose and I know I will learn it at the right time. Help me to trust you, your plans and your timing. Show me what I am missing. Give me wisdom and clarity. May your purpose be made clear and may you be glorified. Amen.