Here In My Struggle

A week or so ago I admitted that I am in need of community. I feel like I have made efforts toward this goal off and on for quite some time. I have managed to have small communities - mom groups, tennis team, small groups, Bible studies - but they have all been for short seasons. I have not managed to hold on to a group where I really feel known and wanted for any real length of time. This does not suit my temperament. I am fiercely loyal, which can cause me to hold on to relationships longer than I'm supposed to, and thrive on deep relationships, which are not built overnight and probably another reason I try to hold on to the ones I've built even if the season has passed. It is a bit disheartening when one of these relationship ends (you could call them a best-friend type relationship) because there has been a lot of time and effort and vulnerability and courage poured into it. The thought of starting all over again is daunting and a little frightening. You never truly know if someone is safe for your truth until you offer it.

Anyway, I have been feeling lonely and a little discouraged lately and have been trying to figure out the reason for this current season. I believe that God has a purpose in this but am not sure what it is. This month I have been making plans with others to get together and work on forging stronger, deeper relationships and nearly all of them have had to be cancelled or rescheduled for a variety of reasons. I am thinking that God is behind it.

What is going on God? Are you trying to tell me something? Do I not really need community? Or am I trying to use community to fill something in me that only you can fill? Are you trying to show me that you are enough, that you are all that I truly need? Do I not think that you are enough for me? Are you trying to get me to dig in deeper with you, to seek you more, to become immersed in your word more? Do I need to grow in my intimacy with you? With my spouse? Do I need to be more open with my husband about feelings and struggles and needs? I feel like you and he are the only two relationships that consistently remain right now. I have a couple of meet ups scheduled the next two days and I feel like they are going to be cancelled too unless I can figure out what you're trying to say. And I know it's not some great mystery that is difficult to uncover because you enjoy my struggle. There is a holy purpose and I know I will learn it at the right time. Help me to trust you, your plans and your timing. Show me what I am missing. Give me wisdom and clarity. May your purpose be made clear and may you be glorified. Amen.

Carrying Burdens

I feel like I have been very fortunate in life. I haven't had many hardships or difficulties (by my standards, at least). Sometimes I have felt that I shouldn't say it out loud for fear that something bad would then happen. (Side note: I've been reading Dr. Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly and she calls this "foreboding joy". It is actually refreshing to know that this is fairly common for people and has strategies for being able to embrace joy.) 

Anyway, I had been thinking about my feeling that I don't have a lot of drama in my life and yet I know many people dealing with difficult circumstances and pain. I listen and pray and try to keep tabs on how they are doing but feel like I don't have any power or ability to do anything really meaningful to help in their situations. I have been texting a lot with someone who is dealing with and overwhelming situation and one day she said that I seemed to know when something was going on with her and would text or email her when she needed it. I responded that it was God prompting me to contact her (which is true).

Recently I had the thought that perhaps I don't have a lot of drama going on is so that I can listen to what is going on with other people and help carry their burden through encouragement, support and prayer. I shared this with a good friend of mine and she seemed to think it was possible. A couple of days later I found Galatians 6:2 in my morning quiet time. "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Okay then. That sounds like confirmation to me. The next day, she texted me her devotion reading for the day called Attentive to People's Needs. Here's an excerpt from it:

 Are the people around you happy, or are they struggling in some area of life? Maybe the real question is: Are you attentive enough that you would recognize the difference?

Although we may not be able to solve all their problems, a simple word of encouragement is sometimes enough to lift the weight of the world off their shoulders. But to do that we have to be tuned in to the lives of the people around us and God's leading. Be willing to stop, listen and care.

The devotion ended with Galatians 6:2. Apparently this is God's message for me right now. I pray that I can be faithful to follow his leading through the Holy Spirit.

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.