Relationship Struggle

If you've been reading my blog the past year or so, you are familiar with my recurring cycle with relationships.

1. Pursue relationships - initiate gatherings and events.
2. Grow weary of being the initiator for the majority of gatherings.
3. Feel resentful and frustrated and pull back/stop initiating.
4. Become restless at the lack of time spent with others.
5. Pursue relationships again.

I am once again feeling like I'm in a funk. I really enjoy spending time with people and that is usually the reason I continue to initiate. Today I feel like I received a little more insight into my feelings behind part of this cycle, particularly numbers 2 and 3. 

I realized that I pull back because I question whether the relationship are as important to the other person as it is to me. I pursue the relationship with regular meetings and some texting/email because I value the relationship and want it to grow. Eventually something inside of me wonders if I am more invested than the other person because there's not a lot of "Hey, how are you doing? When can we do something together?" coming back at me. I wonder if the relationship is important to them. Then I wonder if I am important to the person. 

I think that's the underlying emotion/feeling/question. Am I important? I know I cannot be the only person who wonders this. Has this uncertainty caused you to pull back from relationships? Have you found yourself in this relationship cycle?

I have recently found myself pulling away from one of my closest relationships.Trying to figure out why has led me to this point. I want to continue to meet, encourage and speak truth to one another. But I feel like I'm the one in charge of making it happen and my heart whispers, "Is this relationship more important to me than them?" It seems like an unfair question to ask because I know the person is very busy and overwhelmed and perhaps needs me to be more supportive right now to get back to a place where they can begin to reciprocate again. Perhaps it's the enemy trying to remove some of our supports during a difficult season. I know feelings are unreliable but this knowledge doesn't quell them. I really just want us to be more engaged with one another but at the same time I don't want to feel resentful or bitter. Help! What do I do?

I don't usually get a lot of engagement here on the blog, but I could really use some wisdom and encouragement. Please, if you have some, share it. Thanks!

Grieving Lost Relationships

I feel like I'm cycling through old feelings and issues this morning. I struggle a good deal with letting go of friendships. I am a loyal person. I don't necessarily give friendship easily, but when I do it is firmly fixed in my relationships. Obviously not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime. It's especially hard to maintain friendships when someone moves because distance is a huge barrier. But I am not usually willing to give up easily. I continue to reach out through emails, letters, texts, phone calls. Maybe not frequently, but enough to catch up and maintain a connection. However, if my attempts do not make contact and the other person fails to reciprocate then I become disheartened and will eventually give up, let go and try to move on.

This morning I was reminded of one such relationship and was trying to figure out why I was so bothered by ending relationships. I think it's because, when a friendship ends after multiple failed attempts on my end to connect, I feel like it means that my friendship was not valued (and perhaps this means that I am not valued). That's the core of my hurt - the feeling of being not valued or unimportant.

Intellectually I know that time and distance are difficult obstacles to overcome. I know that in-person friendships are very important and so, when people move, they focus their time on meeting and making new friends they will see regularly. I did that when I moved too. I can't fault others for moving on. It doesn't mean I still can't struggle with the loss.

Because that's what it is to me - a relational loss. We are supposed to grieve losses. It's supposed to help us heal and move forward ourselves.

So I guess that's what this post is - an outpouring of my grief for lost relationships. Perhaps acknowledging these feelings will lead to the healing I need so that I can pour my old energies into current and new relationships.

Lord, help me to treasure the memories of old relationships and let go of any hurt I may feel from losing them. Help me to not close myself off from new relationships because of the possibility of future loss, but to trust that you will provide me with the things I long for - companionship, shared interests, deep conversations, to be known and loved and valued. Help me to forgive any perceived wrongs or slights and rest in the knowledge that I am important and valuable in your eyes. Thank you for your wisdom and love. In Jesus' name, Amen.