Nothing to Prove

  I had the privilege of receiving an advanced reading copy of Jennie Allen's new book Nothing to Prove: Why We Can Stop Trying So Hard which will be publicly available January 31, 2017. I had heard about this new book when she opened a Facebook group to help her as she worked to write the whole book in three weeks (she had written a different book but felt that God wanted her to write this one instead). She used her group for support, to bounce around ideas and have specific questions answered by her intended audience. I really enjoyed the book and want to share the parts that spoke the most to me during this time in my life.

I'm convinced every one of us is fighting some pressure, some suffering, some sin, some burden...Nobody is okay. fine. great. But, goodness, we are all tired of trying to pretend we are. 

  I often forget that we all have our own stresses and pressures in life. It often seems like there are some people who do not and I suppose they are just those that are able to hide their mess the best. I

  I do get tired of pretending that I am fine all the time. I am tempted at times to respond to the question, How are you? truthfully but most of the time I assume the person asking isn't really wanting to know, it is just an informal greeting. I do sometimes wish that I could just lay it all out there and not worry about how others perceive me.

If I were your enemy, I would make you numb and distract you from God's story. Technology, social media, Netflix, travel, food and wine, comfort.

  Through reading this book I acknowledged that I had been numbing myself in order to avoid dealing with pain, struggle and hard parts of life. I became more aware of the strategies the enemy has been using to keep me from being truly free.

I'm convinced nearly all of us feel this incredible pressure to prove we measure up in some way. Every morning we face the list of tasks left undone the previous night, the expectations of our family and coworkers, the burden to be the beautiful, strong, and gracious ideal humans that we're convinced the world, the church, and God require.

  I don't know about everyone else, but I definitely have struggled with feeling like I am not measuring up, that I am inadequate, that I am not enough. It has finally begun to sink in that, perhaps, that is what God wants me to realize. On my own I am not enough. I need God. He wants me to depend on him, to consistently seek him in my life. This realization has started to remove this burden that I've been carrying around unnecessarily.

To get to the place where God can be enough, we have to first admit we aren't.

  I have finally, deep down in my soul, reached this place where I know I need God and I believe that he is enough for me. In him, I live and move and have my being. I will never measure up but that's not my purpose. My purpose is to reveal God's love to the world and how else can he do that but seeping through my cracks and imperfections?

There is no remedy for your striving apart from finding your identity in Christ. He is your enough, and the degree to which you believe that is the degree to which you will stop striving, stop performing, stop trying to prove yourself.

  I believe that this is a true statement. I have striven for most of my life. I think part of that has been due to my type A, achievement-driven personality. It has not helped me to gain contentment and peace and I am now willing to try a new way, a way of rest and trust, belief and confidence in God.

Make it your goal to love and know Jesus as much as humanly possible and ministry will happen.

  I am comforted by this statement. I do want to love and serve others in meaningful ways that honor God. If my focus us on knowing Jesus more, if I abide in him and keep myself attached to the vine, then fruit will naturally occur. Knowing God brings the living water and nourishment that is needed for effective ministry. I have to remember that my job is to stay close, God's job is to produce the fruit.

  There were so many wonderful things I read in the book. I probably underlined a good third of it. If any of the highlighted quotes from the book resonated with you, I highly recommend ordering a copy. If you are an achievement-focused person or scared that one day you will be exposed at not being enough, then definitely check out this book!

Wrestling with Loneliness

I was thinking recently about the changes in my life over the past year. The first four months of the year were very busy and scheduled. I remember thinking that if I had a lot of activity it would get rid of my feelings of loneliness. It obviously didn’t because I wrote several posts about feeling lonely. Reading Jennie Allen’s book Nothing to Prove recently helped me to see that keeping a full schedule was the way I tried to numb myself from feeling lonely. I thought if I had a lot going on, I wouldn’t have time to be lonely. The only thing it did was keep me from facing my loneliness, allowing it to grow deeper while I kept it pushed back into a dark corner.

Being honest and admitting my loneliness was a good first step. But I was trying to find an external reason for my loneliness. I believed the lies that there was something wrong with me keeping others from inviting me to do things, that I was too much or not enough or just too normal/boring to be noticed. At one point I thought that maybe if my family had some huge issue or need, then people would see us, see my loneliness, and do something about it.

In May, God asked me to trust him with my loneliness. He asked me to set down my impulse to schedule things with people and allow him the opportunity to meet my need for connection and community. I set aside the month to see what God would do. I was pleasantly surprised to receive a few invitations from others. Not as many as I would like (I think I was still trying to stay busy to numb my feelings), but what I needed to be reminded that he is faithful and he cares about and for me.

I chose to continue to pare back my schedule over the summer and fall months. I have enjoyed not being so busy or rushed this fall. It has allowed me some spontaneous engagements and more time at home with family. I am also being reminded through this process that my worth is not determined by my accomplishments or achievements. I have often felt like doing less meant being lazy. But we need rest and refreshment and refusing to make time for both of those is not being a good steward of my body and health.

I am choosing to trust that there is a purpose in all of this. I have no idea what the big picture is, but I am enjoying the small things I am learning and the ways I am changing and growing. No, I don’t enjoy the waves of loneliness I feel but I am learning to turn toward God rather than away, which is my enemy’s goal.

Recently, my mentor and I talked about my struggle with loneliness. I was telling her what had been going on with our family and she noted that I have had a good amount of social engagement recently. I admitted that it’s not very challenging to get together with others. My frustration tends to stem from feeling that I have to shoulder the responsibility of organizing events and people. I wonder if it’s the enemy twisting my perspective to keep me from having community. Yes, I may have to ask people to do things with us, but most of the time I receive an affirmative which should be a sign that my company is enjoyable. And what’s wrong with being the organizer (as long as it is not completely draining)?

My mentor had more positive thoughts about my struggle. Perhaps the acute feeling of loneliness exists inside me in order to prompt me to reach out to others who may also be experiencing loneliness. I notice that not many people seem to invite others and perhaps they are too busy or also hearing internally that their presence is not desired or are fearful that their invitation will be rejected. Perhaps this thing that I lament can be the impetus that leads me to the community I so desire.

I have a friend who has organized her own birthday gatherings the past two years. She said she loved spending time with friends and would be disappointed on birthdays when she didn’t engage with others. She thought, Why not be in charge of my birthday agenda and invite my friends? It’s what I want and I know it’s worth it to put forth the effort.

This should probably be my perspective. And it is, sometimes. This spring I think I was just worn out and coming out of a season of too much work and not enough rest.

I am still swinging back and forth between trusting God and feeling contentment, and feeling lonely and left out. Perhaps this will always be a cycle for me. At least I know that God will always be with me and is able to provide peace and encouragement. I will place my hope in the belief that good will come from all of this and it will be to God’s glory.