The Perfect Image

  I have been wondering lately whether I project the image of having it all together. I don't feel like many people think I have struggles. I don't know whether this is me trying to project a specific image or if it's because I prefer to share concerns and issues with people who have become close, trusted friends. I realize that I have shared some struggles here on my blog which would be considered public. I don't have a solid answer to reconcile this with my previous statement. We'll have to be okay with the contradiction.

  I do not have it all together. Big shocker, right? I worry too much about what others think (or might be thinking). I care too much about fitting in with what a perfect mom and wife look like. Deep down I know there's no such thing, but it doesn't keep me from striving for this goal. I can be petty and choose to nurse hurts because I want sympathy (of course I tend to keep these inside which kind of defeats the purpose and instead gives me a negative outlook, poisoning me from the inside). I struggle often with letting go of my own desires, wants, agenda so that I can be available to love and serve others, including my family.

  There is a tension in me, and possibly in all parents, where I desire to care well for my family and myself but feel like I am constantly failing one or the other. I wonder if putting my son in lunch bunch so that I can have an extra hour of kid-free time is selfish or self-aware. I have been learning how much my parenting (and capacity for love and patience) is affected by whether I make time to do things that refresh and restore me. I know that when I begin to feel panicky, stressed and impatient it means I have neglected to rest and rejuvenate. Alternately, when I do take time to do things that fill me up, I am much more kind, gentle and able to focus on others. I still haven't figured out a good balance. I don't know if balance is even possible. I do know that I want to be healthy and a good role model for my kids so I need to continue to work this out.

  I feel like I am under spiritual attack right now. My thoughts are scattered. I am struggling to concentrate in prayer and reading the Bible. I don't know if he's trying to make me ineffective by causing stress, anxiety and panic. I don't know why this is happening right now. But I am calling him out. Jesus is for me. He is with me. He will never leave me. If I focus on him and drawing closer to him, perhaps my anxiety will subside and peace will take it's place. We are, after all, told to pray about everything and express thanksgiving and we will receive peace that passes understanding.

  Lord, I am anxious and burdened. I don't know why I am feeling this way but I know that you have peace that can replace this anxiousness. Please remind me that you are with me and fill me with your peace. Help me to rest in your promises and be reminded of your faithfulness and your love for me. You are for me. Thank you for creating me and for giving me worth and purpose. Thank you for my family, for my friends, for your word that instructs, encourages and reminds me of your love. I am grateful that you are in control. Please help me to lay down my plans and desires and surrender all I have to your capable hands and perfect will. Lord, I trust that you will bring good from all circumstances. I pray that I would be faithful to you and quick to respond to your leading. Lord, I need you. I cannot have a fruitful life without you. You are my rock and my salvation. Restore your servant who trusts in you. I am so grateful that you hear me and that you are available to listen at all times. I pray that you would be glorified in and through me. Have your way in me. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Oh the Places You'll Go...On the Internet

  This is a very interesting topic. Where am I spending most of my online time? It's tricky because, unless I'm working on a blog post or sending a lengthy email, I tend to consume my media on my phone via apps. I try to be very intentional in when I pull out my computer (and should probably do the same with my phone). I really don't want my kids to grow up with the memory of me always on some sort of electronic device instead of interacting with them. I don't want to give up quality time with my husband to catch up with what's going on in others' lives. I'm still working on navigating social media and its role in my life. But I digress. Below are five bookmarks I refer to quite often these days (in addition to the standard email, blog and Facebook).

1) PicMonkey  

  Earlier this year I realized that if I want to become more serious with my blogging (and avoid being sued) then it would be beneficial to create my own graphics rather than do a Google search like I had previously done. I definitely don't want to pass others' work off as my own nor would I want someone to do that to me. A friend who has more blogging experience than I do shared this site with me and I have found it easy to use and navigate.

2) Instagram

My first Instagram photo, 2013

  I know this is not a new site. I opened an account three years ago just to post a cute picture of my kids from my phone. I have since occasionally post something, often as part of a book launch team. Two weeks ago I decided to try the 365 Challenge, where you post a picture of your life each day for an entire year. I thought it would be fun to look back at the end of it and see what my year looked like. It appears that most of my pictures may end up being of my son and my cat as they are who I spend the most time with during the week as a SAHM. Perhaps I'll work on getting myself into the picture more. I have a friend who knows a lot more about Instagram and she has been helping me to grow in knowledge of its workings.

  I also like that, since it's pictures with comments, it is a very encouraging, positive, happy environment. No one is ranting about the state of the world or politics. Everyone is being honest and kind (at least, that's my experience so far). I intended to learn how to use Twitter this year but I like Instagram so much better that I think I'll just stick with it and continue to be Twitter clueless.

3) Duolingo

  I really like knowing Spanish but my proficiency has decreased over the years over lack of use. I would like to start speaking it again to improve my conversational skills and recently set it up as a new goal for myself. My first step toward gaining the courage to begin speaking with my neighbor (who is originally from Costa Rica) is increasing my familiarity with the vocabulary. Someone talked about using Duolingo to prepare for a vacation to Mexico. I had downloaded the app a long time ago but never used it. I have now been working on it for a month. It's set up like a game or challenge so it doesn't seem like work but I know I'm learning.

4) Meet the Peppers

  This is a website created by a married couple who promote the idea of Great Love instead of Perfect Love. They started a podcast about a year and a half ago as a project intended to give them more quality time together. They titled it Marriage is Funny (because it is) and each episode talk about a couple of topics relevant to their lives and most likely to every couple. I heard about it on a FB group thread and have loved it from the beginning. I can relate to almost everything they talk about and think we could be good friends if we ever met in real life. I didn't start listening to it until this spring when they were a whole season in so I'm still trying to finish season two before season three starts (this week I think, so I will probably still be a few episodes behind). I highly recommend checking it out. I have gained a lot of wisdom and perspective from them sharing their lives with their listeners.

5) Go Comics

  In our house we receive a physical copy of the Sunday paper and then a digital subscription the rest of the week. I don't tend to check it out online so I was seriously out of the loop on some of my favorite comic strips. My husband told me about this site so I have started using it to keep up with the storylines of some of my favorites. I like that you can create a list of specific comics so that you don't have to scroll through all of them each day. And you can go back in the archives to catch up if you choose to start a new strip.


  Those are five of my frequently-visited sites. Do you have any go-to sites that you think I might enjoy checking out? Leave them in the comments!

February Book Review

The second month has ended and so it's time to discuss the books I completed this month. Not nearly as many as last month but that's okay. I have no idea how I finished so many in January - probably neglected responsibilities like cleaning and laundry.

1. Eve: A Novel by Wm. Paul Young

I had read The Shack years ago when it came out and thoroughly enjoyed it. I like seeing various perspectives on how people understand God. I thought it would be fun to read his new one since it is obviously a fictional account related to the Eve of the Bible. It seemed like it would fit into a science-fiction category and it took me a bit to feel like I had a grasp on the world being described.

The story is about a young girl who is found barely alive in a shipping container. It appears the container ends up in some other dimension and time and the people there work to resuscitate and heal her. She cannot remember who she is or where she is from and keeps having lucid dreams that she is witnessing Creation with Eve. It sounds weird and the story kind of jumps around some but it did describe Eden and the fall in an interesting way. I was kept guessing about what would happen and who was trustworthy throughout the story. I found it very engaging.

2. Balancing It All: My Struggle of Balancing Priorities and Purpose by Candace Cameron Bure and Dana Wilkerson

I watched Full House growing up and thought this might be an interesting read. In it Candace talks about growing up in her family and on the hit show. She talks about how she met her hockey-player husband and the challenge of deferring her career dreams so that he could pursue his along with everything that comes with having and raising a family. She talks about not growing up a Christian but still with Christian-like morals and her journey to accepting Jesus and trying to become the wife, mother and woman she felt she was called to be. I appreciate her candidness and honesty about not always getting things right. I know she's not perfect and I didn't necessarily agree with all that she said but I enjoyed learning more about her and what she's learned. It also makes me want to watch Fuller House but we don't have Netflix. [I did get to watch the first episode and enjoyed all of the nostalgia from the original show.]

3. Room: A Novel by Emma Donoghue

I hadn't heard anything about this book until my husband gifted it to me for Valentine's Day [books are kind of my love language (actually it's words of affirmation but books contain lots of words)]. I read the back and, as I dove into it, was hopeful that it would end positively. The book is from the perspective of a five-year-old by named Jack who lives in Room with his Ma. We learn that his mother was kidnapped as a teenager and has spent nearly eight years imprisoned in this room by her captor. From Jack's perspective we see how his mother has tried to protect him from understanding the truth of their situation while also giving him as full and normal a life as possible. 

I struggled with this book from the beginning being a mother of both a daughter and a son. I desperately wished that Jack would stay safe and they would both somehow make it out of the room. I felt like I had to keep going despite the sad circumstances just to see if there was light at the end of the tunnel. I felt that using Jack's perspective helped the book not to be so dark and depressing. A very interesting read.

Did you read anything worth recommending in February? As always, I love to hear about what others have enjoyed.

Is Balance Actually Possible?

I have been struggling a lot about finding a good balance between spending quality and quantity time with my kids and giving them time to play on their own so I can do house things or have some time to myself. I continue to read different things that encourage me both ways on this spectrum.

For awhile I feel encouraged to say "no" to some of the numerous daily requests to play with them so that they can use their imaginations on their own and spend quality time together as siblings. I still make sure we have time together doing the things they want to do with me. Additionally, every day there are 2-3 meals together (depending on whether my oldest is in school that day) along with the bedtime routine of story, prayer and song. I remind myself that it's helpful for the kids to know that sometimes there are other things that need to get done and reminders that the world does not revolve around them are good. It is okay for them to have to wait for things, just like they will have to when they go to appointments and restaurants. Patience is a virtue after all, right? We all are better off if we are able to entertain ourselves while we wait or when there's a lull in activities.

Other times I am reminded that this time of them being young is so short. Eventually they will not want me to play with them. I won't be the first person they come to when they have a question or want to talk. I will one day be the one pestering them to spend some time together (that thought makes me a little sad). These thoughts make me want to let the laundry and cleaning slide and take in as much time as I can with these kids who still adore me and want me to read them all the stories and play all the games.

But it is probably also not healthy to completely lose myself in my children. My daughter needs to know that a woman is more than someone who takes care of her children. Yes, it's important, but there are many women who don't have children and she could be one of those and it's good to know there are other aspects to womanhood. It's important that I take care of my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health as well. My children watch what I do and I want them to have a mother who is healthy and has some semblance of a balanced life. It's important that I make time for my husband and friends and other family. It's okay to spend time on hobbies or stimulating my mind.

It sometimes seems like there are so many things I'd like to accomplish in my day and I don't want to neglect any of them, especially my family. Perhaps it will help to remind myself that each day has its own opportunities and responsibilities and know that some days will be full of quality time with the kids, others will have time for personal fun and enrichment and still others will require chores and appointments. Perhaps I should take a longer look at my schedule, maybe the ebbs and flows in a week rather than individual days.

What about you? Do you feel like sometimes you're pulled in opposite directions between spending time with your kids and tackling all of the other responsibilities in your life? Have you found a good way of balancing everything? Or at least having peace and contentment about your choices?