Parenting Through the First-Three-Years Fog

  This year I have felt much more like myself, by which I mean more like the person I remember being before I became a mother. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom and I love my kids. I have learned, grown and changed (hopefully for the better) so much because they are part of my life. I would not go back and change things if I had that option. I am just saying it felt like I got lost a little when I was introduced to motherhood.

  I don't think I'm the only one who feels that my whole life changed when I became a mother. I entered into a new culture of being entrusted with another's complete well-being. Of learning everything I could about another human being and managing their time, creating eating, sleeping, playing, and bathing schedules. Scheduling doctor's appointments and keeping track of just about everything another person did so that I would be able to answer all of the doctor's questions. And, of course, doing all of this on an erratic and inadequate sleep schedule. Not to mention simultaneously dealing with my own physical, emotional and mental recovery.

And then doing all of that again less than three years later while also managing a very mobile, opinionated, mostly toilet trained, desirous of all of your attention individual.

Again, I love my kids. I know that most everyone has very similar experiences in parenting, but I am giving myself permission to admit that it is at times challenging and exhausting and, every so often, I live in survival mode.

  But now my kids are six and three. My youngest is toilet trained, can get mostly dressed on his own, feeds himself and just started at preschool three mornings per week, allowing me some precious me/alone time. And, so far, it has been so refreshing and restorative (because I haven't allowed myself to spend all of my time doing chores or running errands).

  I was talking with a friend a few weeks ago whose youngest is still months away from her first birthday. I was saying how I feel so much more like me these days and it is because I am out of the fog that is parenting the first three years of a child's life. Those years are so demanding of parents. The kids need you to feed and change them. Sometimes they won't allow anyone else to feed them. They can be very clingy so you spend most of your day feeding and holding them. If/when they finally go to sleep for the night you are DONE with being needed or touched. You just want to get away to your own little bubble to rest and think.

  You are often worried about whether they are eating enough, sleeping enough, going to choke on the banana, having enough stimulation/variety in their diets/tummy time/books read to them/wet or dirty diapers. You are constantly monitoring their moods, activities, body temperature. They consume all of your brain and most of your time. No wonder I didn't feel like my former self. Not only was I physically different, but my brain had received an influx of new information that needed to be processed constantly.

  Eventually they begin to feed themselves (which can turn into a battle because you're concerned they'll starve themselves or be nutritionally deficient), learn to crawl and walk on their own (which means baby-proofing the house, still losing a few items that you loved, and kissing a lot more ouchies), and start saying words (and you will regret teaching them "mommy" when they get to be two and say it every three seconds). You love seeing all of the new milestones and the beginnings of independence. But they still need you to help them change their clothes, teach them to be polite and enforce the house rules, brush their teeth, and work around their nap schedule (I love naptime!). They may still want to be carried everywhere and cling to you when in an unfamiliar environment. You still have to get past the looming hurdle that is toilet training.

  Usually sometime between three and four, your precious child is reasonably independent. They have few toilet accidents. They feed themselves and usually eat at least one vegetable and meat to supplement their snacking preference. They can get mostly or completely dressed for the day. They can play on their own a bit. They are (hopefully) still napping or having some quiet room time each day for your sanity break. They can tell you when they are hurt, hungry, sad or mad. They are more adventurous and not as reluctant to be separated from you (my experience, at least).

  There are still challenges like them having their own opinions and not always wanting to obey. Or picking fights with their siblings. They can't yet read or write on their own but I don't mind cuddling and reading books now that I am not always being touched by someone.

  Now that my children are older, I am rediscovering my passions and taking time to refresh myself. I have realized just how important self-care is and have time to do it. It is not easy when you're in the younger years and fear what will happen if you take a shower while the little ones are awake and unsupervised. If you're sleep deprived because your baby or toddler doesn't sleep through the night, of course you're going to be more run down and space out when you get a spare minute.

  Parenting kids through their first three years is tough (in my experience). It takes a lot out of you. But, take heart, it's just a season. You will once again have time for things that fill you up. Your kids will grow and change and you will do the same with them. You may be sad to leave the baby stage, but you have so many others to look forward to - school, activities, kids being old enough to do their own laundry. Give yourself grace. It's okay not to love every minute of every season.

  I am loving my kids' current ages. I am not loving homework time. I don't particularly care for the illnesses that appear when school starts. I love that they play well together. I love watching my six-year-old gain confidence as she learns new abilities like reading, riding a bicycle, dancing and playing the piano. I enjoy the imagination and creativity of my three-year-old. I love his sweetness and hearing him tell me he loves or likes me at least once per day (I know that won't last). I love that my oldest can help the younger one with things when needed. Every parent loves a specific stage in childhood. Right now I feel like this is my sweet spot.


How old are your kids? What age(s) do/did you enjoy the most? Did you also feel like the first three years of a child's life were the most challenging for you and your identity? If not, how did you successfully manage motherhood and self-care during the early years?

Second Month Goal Review

We've completed another month of 2016! I started out the year strong. How did I do in February? Let's review my goals and find out!

1. One arts and crafts time per month with the kiddos

Since it's February, I knew we could do something Valentine's themed (as long as I could get everything organized and together before the second Sunday of the month. My daughter's class was passing out valentine's and she had decided that she wanted to make her own so that made the decision of what to do quite easy. We gathered up supplies and she got to work.

Meanwhile, we needed something fun for my son to do. He likes stamps and stickers so I thought he could make his own valentines with those supplies. He also wanted scissors since his sister had them so I obliged.

My daughter enjoyed personalizing each valentine for her classmates. Some had stickers. Some received stamps. She drew special designs and wrote specific phrases for others. She seemed to have a blast and was proud of her completed projects. 

One of her completed valentines

My son's valentine was quite colorful

I decided to also attempt a Valentine's craft to make our home a little more festive. Our house has decorations for Sept-Dec but the rest of the year it's fairly plain. I think it turned out lovely.

2. Blog at least twice per month

I am trying not to use my monthly reviews as counting toward my twice per month goal or it would be too easy. After posting my January reviews I was struggling with something to say. Thankfully the holiday gave me something to write about and helped restart my brain's idea center. I ended up with three non-review posts for February! My latest one was reaaaalllllly long and I was a little concerned that people wouldn't want to read so much. But I reminded myself that God will do what he wants with my posts and I'm just to trust him with my story.

3. Grow in gratitude, contentment and generosity

This month I participated in a mug swap with a Facebook group. It was fun trying to find fun things to send to an unknown woman that she'd enjoy. Last year I would have been more concerned with spending money on someone I didn't know but I focused on it being an opportunity to show love to another person. Each participant also donated money to one of the group member's adoption fund. Of course, it wasn't completely unselfish because I did receive my own package from a thoughtful woman. Steps, right?

Jen Hatmaker had a "Share the Love" event where people could register themselves or someone else to receive a free copy of her latest book, For the Love. After the registration period, other people could pay for one or more copies of the book to be shipped to one of the registered people. I chose to send out a book. The exciting part is that 2250 books were sent out - one to everyone who signed up for one!

This month was also the first children's consignment sale of the season. I thought one way to grow in generosity was to use any money made from selling our old clothes, toys and books to bless others however the Lord leads. Ten percent will be given to our church and the other ninety will be used for opportunities the Lord provides. I struggle off and on with spending money because I don't earn any as a SAHM. I try to focus some on saving money but that seems different than bringing it in. With this little bit of extra, I hope that I will feel freer to give.

I worked on memorizing two more scripture verses this month. They are below.

Matthew 11:28-30 - "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Psalm 68:19 - Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.

I am continuing to try to avoid impulse purchases for myself. I know I really don't need anything so if I can focus on enjoying and appreciating what I do have, that will be progress. My mother-in-law decided to get rid of one thing from her closet each day for Lent (I assume clothing closet) and I think that's something I could do as well. I haven't started but removing forty things would definitely be a bit of a challenge and an opportunity to be grateful for and content with what I already have. I'll report back next month and let you know if I did this.

How are you doing on your goals for this year or month? Are you participating in Lent? If so, are you giving something up or did you add something?

Is Balance Actually Possible?

I have been struggling a lot about finding a good balance between spending quality and quantity time with my kids and giving them time to play on their own so I can do house things or have some time to myself. I continue to read different things that encourage me both ways on this spectrum.

For awhile I feel encouraged to say "no" to some of the numerous daily requests to play with them so that they can use their imaginations on their own and spend quality time together as siblings. I still make sure we have time together doing the things they want to do with me. Additionally, every day there are 2-3 meals together (depending on whether my oldest is in school that day) along with the bedtime routine of story, prayer and song. I remind myself that it's helpful for the kids to know that sometimes there are other things that need to get done and reminders that the world does not revolve around them are good. It is okay for them to have to wait for things, just like they will have to when they go to appointments and restaurants. Patience is a virtue after all, right? We all are better off if we are able to entertain ourselves while we wait or when there's a lull in activities.

Other times I am reminded that this time of them being young is so short. Eventually they will not want me to play with them. I won't be the first person they come to when they have a question or want to talk. I will one day be the one pestering them to spend some time together (that thought makes me a little sad). These thoughts make me want to let the laundry and cleaning slide and take in as much time as I can with these kids who still adore me and want me to read them all the stories and play all the games.

But it is probably also not healthy to completely lose myself in my children. My daughter needs to know that a woman is more than someone who takes care of her children. Yes, it's important, but there are many women who don't have children and she could be one of those and it's good to know there are other aspects to womanhood. It's important that I take care of my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health as well. My children watch what I do and I want them to have a mother who is healthy and has some semblance of a balanced life. It's important that I make time for my husband and friends and other family. It's okay to spend time on hobbies or stimulating my mind.

It sometimes seems like there are so many things I'd like to accomplish in my day and I don't want to neglect any of them, especially my family. Perhaps it will help to remind myself that each day has its own opportunities and responsibilities and know that some days will be full of quality time with the kids, others will have time for personal fun and enrichment and still others will require chores and appointments. Perhaps I should take a longer look at my schedule, maybe the ebbs and flows in a week rather than individual days.

What about you? Do you feel like sometimes you're pulled in opposite directions between spending time with your kids and tackling all of the other responsibilities in your life? Have you found a good way of balancing everything? Or at least having peace and contentment about your choices?

Happy 2016!

My family celebrating NYE in our cul-de-sac.

It's a new year! Full of promise and hope and the unknown. I spent the last couple of days pondering how I wanted to make this year better than the last. I found there are a number of ways I could stand to improve myself. This assessment was a bit overwhelming so I'm trying to scale it back and start with a few reasonable goals. 

The past few years I have set achievable goals and actually achieved them. Two years ago I decided to find a new dessert recipe each month and make it. It was quite a delicious challenge. One month I almost missed the deadline. This past year my goal was to hand write a note to every address in my address book (yes I have an actual address book). I surpassed this goal by adding a few notes here and there. I even received a few responses back which was thrilling. I love receiving actual mail! I know email is so much more convenient and faster and I enjoy it also, but there's just something about opening an envelope and reading words in someone's handwriting that makes it extra special.

This year I chose my New Year's Goal to be to execute one craft per month with the kids. This may not sound like much of a challenge to some but I am not a crafty person. I went to a crafting night at a friend's house a few months ago and spent the time coloring in pictures. Not very high on the crafting scale. My daughter LOVES creating things and asks often to do something artsy. I know my son hasn't had a lot of crafting experience because of my lack of skills but I'm sure he could benefit from some time practicing with scissors and markers. Having a plan helps me greatly with execution so having this goal in my head will perhaps get my creativity juices flowing (that and pinterest, of course).

I also am hoping to spend more time blogging. I know right now my posts are sporadic and it is because I struggle with perfectionism. I feel like if I don't have something profound to say, there's no reason to write. But I have learned from others that sharing the everyday experiences of life can be just as encouraging and beneficial to others. Ideally I'd like to work up to once per week this year. A current reasonable goal based on my responsibilities and life stage is twice per month. Perhaps I'll become an overachiever if I can get a routine worked out.

I have been working out some thoughts that have been reinforced by things I've been reading. I really want to grow in gratitude, contentment and joy. I know these things are intertwined. I know that I have everything I need and more. I want to become someone who holds material things loosely and is willing to share my blessings and abundance with others. I want to have a generous heart. I'm not sure how to make this tangible other than to perhaps keep a gratitude journal and pray regularly for these qualities to become manifested in my life. Another avenue would be to seek opportunities to serve or help others.

I have a few other things I am desiring to become habits - like scripture memorization for one - but I think I will have to slowly incorporate them into my life otherwise I am going to fail quickly and become disheartened. It's much easier to add than subtract. For succinctness I will summarize below.

Goals for 2016

1.Plan and execute one craft time with the kids each month
2.Blog two times per month
3.Grow in gratitude, contentment, joy and generosity

Seems like a good start. Do you have any areas of your life where you're hoping to see change or growth? Please share them with me in the comments!

For First-Time Parents: Potty Training

Here's part four of the First-Time Parent series which addresses topics common to all parents. Part One was about night-time sleep, Part Two about napping and Part Three about feeding.

We didn't start BB this young, but she's so cute!

My daughter is three years old and she’s completely potty trained. Hurray! The total process has taken nine months which may sound like a drag, especially with all of those “train your child in one day” books and whatnot, but has been a steady progression without too many bumps and only a couple of public mishaps (which to me sounds pretty good). I thought it’d be nice to share my experience to remind me when it’s LB’s turn.

Last summer, I started thinking more about it. I definitely wanted to be on the no diaper track by the time LB made his appearance. I heard from some of my mom friends with two kids that once the new baby arrives and you are dealing with newborn diapers, you feel like you’re wiping an adult’s rear when  changing your older child. And it makes financial sense to only be buying diapers for one child. (That’s right, we are a disposable diaper family. I spend plenty of time with the washer and dryer as it is. I didn’t feel like quadrupling my time in the laundry room. Not that I didn’t consider it. I know plenty of people who do use reusables and more power to them!)

I read a few books about potty training. The ones that mentioned training in 1, 2, and 3 days seemed quite appealing. I asked my mom what she used. She managed to find a copy of the book and mailed it to me. It was the one I ended up using as a reference: Toilet Training in Less Than a Day by Nathan Azrin. (I just used Amazon to find the title and also found Potty Training Boys the Easy Way which is intriguing and may be read before we start the process with LB in a few years.)

I picked a start date when BB was close to 2 ½ years, one when we could be at home all day for a few days to get the hang of things. I then spent the days leading up to that day dreading its arrival. I don’t know whether it was from hearing others’ experiences, but I imagined it being very tedious and requiring large amounts of time cleaning someone else’s urine off of the floor. Like most other unknown experiences, it’s really not as bad as you imagine it to be. The fear of the unknown is nearly always worse than the actual experience.

The day finally arrived and I had all of my materials – a week’s worth of panties, washcloths, a potty, a training doll (in our case, BB’s favorite stuffed monster, Elmo), juice, water, snacks and rewards. After breakfast I took Elmo through the motions of using the potty, praised him and gave him a reward (M&M) which BB was able to eat since Elmo can’t. We did it several times to get used to the what all is involved. As instructed in the book, Elmo then had an accident. We talked about important people (mommy, daddy, Grammy, Grandaddy, etc) liking dry panties and had Elmo practice using the potty and change his panties. (Humorous side note: for months after the potty training week, BB would refer to her plain white panties as Elmo’s panties because they were what we had used on him.) I asked often if BB had dry panties (the book suggested praising dry, clean pants instead of the act of using the potty as staying dry and clean is the true goal). She would receive a reward when the answer was yes. I had her sit on the potty every so often (I had a chart I followed that had me write in times of various commands/activities to chart progress and spot patterns). Eventually she had an accident. She was not very happy about being wet but I had her clean it up with a washcloth (I helped make sure it all got cleaned), we practiced using the potty, and then I had her change her panties. We did this most of the day, me giving her salty snacks and juice, practicing with Elmo a few more times and playing mostly in the kitchen where the floor is easy to clean. It was kind of boring, but it was nice to know that it was only for a short duration. I still had her nap and sleep in a diaper.

The next couple of days we stayed home to practice getting used to recognizing the sensation of having to use the bathroom and then going. Still plenty of rewards for dry, clean panties. More teaching her to be careful when emptying the small potty into the big potty and flushing. No bowel movements into the potty, but I had heard that it takes more time to get used to doing that on a potty.

On day four I decided to venture out for a short trip. I put a towel in the car seat, had her sit on the potty right before we left, and off to the library we went. We were only gone about twenty minutes but I gave BB lots of praise and a reward for staying dry and clean while we were out. As the weeks went on, I got braver and braver. BB got better at recognizing the need to go and we both gained confidence in her abilities. Eventually she started pooping in the potty. The first time, she received major praise and an extra special reward. For a while all bowel movements into the potty received a special reward. When BB had fully grasped using the potty, we phased out the rewards by letting whatever treat run out of stock in the pantry and then announced that she was a big girl and the treats were all gone.

We still put her in diapers for nap and bedtime. As she started staying completely dry through nap time we let her stay in panties (which was what she wanted). It has taken a lot longer for her to stay dry through the night but I am attributing that to maturity of her body. The past month we have been tracking her dry nights. BB went nearly a week two months back with dry diapers at night so we put her in panties and she woke up wet the next morning. We tried two more nights with the same results so she went into a pull up. We thought perhaps she could still get up and use the bathroom if she needed. A few weeks after that BB announced that she wanted to sleep in panties. We told her she had to have a week of dry diapers to be able to sleep in panties. She achieved that so we put her in panties and started a sticker chart to track her dry nights. In the past four weeks she only had one slightly wet night (only the panties and pjs were damp, not her sheets) and that was day four. We told her when she went a whole month with dry panties she could pick out a special toy or have a special cupcake. She chose the cupcake.

Nine months sounds long, but it was really just the first few weeks that I was most cautious and then a day or so after the occasional accident. Now that we’re finally at this point, everything before doesn’t seem all that bad. It’s been so much better than dealing with two children in diapers.

We’ve had a few road trips throughout this adventure. We would put BB in a pull up just in case, but she’d tell us she had to go and we’d stop so she could. I’ll admit that we did consider having her just go into the pull up once or twice so that we didn’t have to stop but we did stop in order to continue to encourage her progress.

It’ll be quite a while before I get to go through this process with LB (and I wonder whether it’ll be distinctly different with a boy or just because it’s a different child) but at least I’ve been through it once now. I’m sure I’ll still feel a little dread when the day approaches, but I now have experience on my side and the knowledge that accidents are temporary but being out of diapers is forever (I hope).

Experienced parents, how did your potty training experience/s go? For those who have potty trained boys and girls, are there any stark differences you noticed? Any advice to share on what to do (or what NOT to do)?