Seven Things I've Learned From My 3-Year-Old About Building Community

  My son, the extrovert, does not seem to mind Island Living. (This is the term I've coined to describe my family's experience of living and parenting away from family.) He creates his own community wherever he goes.

   At the gym he befriended an older gentleman who exercises in the pool most mornings. They had not actually heard each others' voices because of the glass between the pool and the lobby, but every day he would run to the glass to show Mr. Bob what to he had brought and Bob would pantomime back, I would try to interpret, and then Bob would splash the glass in front of Jackson. J worked hard on perfecting his thumbs up gesture so that he could flash it back at Bob. 

   I've actually now had a few conversations with Bob when we happen to meet outside the pool at the gym (and once at the grocery store). We gave him a Christmas card so he would know our names (before we had spoken) and he gave Jackson a Christmas present. I know that relationship would not exist without Jackson and his friendly nature (and I love when others take an interest in my children).

   Whenever we go to a park, the pool, a restaurant - wherever - Jackson inevitably strikes up a conversation with someone. Most of the time it is usually to ask another person to play with him. At three years old, he doesn't always remember to ask their names so he often refers to them as "kid" or "my friend", though if he learns their name then he will ask about them the next time we're at the place where they met.

   At restaurants he often turns around to ask the (usually) older girl what her name is. Once, to the shagrin of his grandparents, he turned to two teenage girls in the booth behind him and said, "Hello, ladies!"

   We were at the pool earlier this summer and he started talking to another mother about The Jungle Book. Later he went over to her while she was laying in a lounge chair and asked her to watch him while he jumped into the pool (before you think I ignore or neglect him, I was in the water waiting to catch him when he performed his magnificent feat). He checked several times to make sure she was watching, jumped, then immediately looked to her for her reaction. I appreciated her obliging him. 

   He has no fear of talking to unknown people. He assumes he will be well received, have a positive interaction and an immediate new friend. I love his boldness, innocence and confidence. I usually start a conversation with the parent of the child Jackson's playing with. I admittedly feel more awkward during these interactions than he does. I've probably lost my lack of inhibition through my own encounters with people over the years. I love that Jackson reminds me that there are always opportunities to have positive social interactions and meet some potential new friends.

Playing catch with a "new friend" at the park

  In honor of my gregarious son, I have compiled a list of seven things I've learned from watching him navigate his world. Perhaps I could gain quite a bit from acting more like him.

1. He's not bothered about lacking a built-in community. He's comfortable making his own wherever he goes.

2. He doesn't discriminate. He sees everyone as a potential new friend.

3. He is confident that he will be accepted and enjoyed for who he is.

4. He enjoys the community that is available to him rather than lamenting what he doesn't have.

5. He is not afraid to seek out community. He's not worried about looking weak or needy.

6. He seems to implicitly know that creating community benefits everyone involved.

7. He is not concerned about what others will think. He doesn't hesitate to ask for what he wants or needs.

Is there anything on this list that you could benefit from implementing in your own life? What have you learned from watching your own children navigate the world?

A Letter to My 18-Year-Old Self

Dear Eighteen-Year-Old Me,

Hello there! It's me, your 33-year-old self. It's been nearly sixteen years since you graduated high school and began preparing for college life. I know you are very excited to see what the next chapter of life would hold. I'm sure you are a little nervous venturing out on your own, especially knowing your parents will be 10+ hours away. Of course, you have been somewhat prepared for this having spent the majority of your summers away from your parents visiting relatives. It's just one more new adventure!

I know that you are not sure what you should study but have signed up for the engineering track at the suggestion of your parents. You will end up taking many more math and science classes than you end up needing for graduation when you finally find majors that best suit your wiring, but there will be a big upside to having taken engineering classes (specifically Statistics for Engineers). You don't know it yet, but that class will profoundly and positively impact your life.

If I could truly go back and offer you some advice before you begin your time at N.C. State (which you love, by the way), here is a part of what I would want to say.

Just because someone shows interest in dating you, it doesn't mean that's a relationship you need to pursue. I know you've only really dated one person thus far but not all relationships will be as positive and healthy as that one was. You need to work on deepening your relationship with Jesus and seeking him. God loves you dearly. He has a purpose for you that he will fulfill. Whether or not you end up with a spouse, God's plans will be better than anything you can imagine. If you have the desire for a husband, give it to him in prayer and trust him to provide in his timing. God is faithful and trustworthy.

Marriage is supposed to be a reflection of Christ and his church. Any dating relationship you have should be characterized by respect, love, grace and selflessness (from both of you). Here are a few questions you may want to ask yourself when considering a dating relationship. Does he love God? Does he attend church? Pray and read his Bible regularly? Is he involved in a Christian group, Bible study or other activity to deepen his relationship with Christ? (Experience will tell you that behavior is the best indicator of what someone believes.) Does he treat you with respect? Does he listen to and value your opinion? Does he try to push physical boundaries? Does he desire to see you grow and succeed? Will he encourage you in your relationship with Christ?

It is very important for you to answer the questions asked above about yourself. You are young in your faith and have a lot of growing to do. If you seek to grow closer to God and join activities that will encourage you in this way, you will flourish. Ask God to help you find these things. He will provide some amazing friends, connections and experiences.

I know that I cannot go back and change what you will experience, but I hope that what you learn can help other young women as they prepare for their own college career. To that extent, I wrote a book for college-age women (info below). I hope that they will learn from your experiences and avoid some of your mistakes. I have some sorrow and regret over choices made during college but, praise God, he has brought good from it!

Don't worry, you will have a fabulous time and meet some great people that you will still keep up with when you're my age (mostly thanks to the invention of Facebook that is not yet an idea in Mark Z's head). Your mistakes will not be fatal. You will learn, grow and change. You will become much more confident and self-assured as you age. You will also acquire a lot more responsibility so enjoy your relatively tether-free time in college!

Love,
Thirty-three-year-old Me

Between Us Girls: Navigating College Life as a Christian Woman

Will you head off to college soon? Or perhaps you've already started at a university and found the going a little rough? Have you prepared yourself for all that you may experience, both on-campus and off? Do you know how to strengthen your faith and locate resources to help draw you closer to God? Between Us Girls: Navigating College Life as a Christian Woman can help you prepare for campus life. In this book, you'll learn about... 

• Strengthening your relationship with God
• The importance of finding a Christian group on campus 
• The different types of guys you will encounter 
• What to do if you mess up 
• Potential stumbling blocks to your faith and your relationships 
• Straight talk about sex 

Through reading candid, real-life stories and advice from Christian women about their time at college, you'll discover that you're not the only one facing challenges and struggles on campus. Even more importantly, you'll learn about great opportunities for redemption, success, and a rich adventure with God.


If you are interested in obtaining a copy of Between Us Girls: Navigating College Life as a Christian Woman, please email me at  mybyrdlife at gmail.com. Copies are $10 each. Shipping is $3 (free if you're local and we can meet in person). Thanks!

Valentine's Day Memories

Valentine's Day is nearly upon us. I like excuses for lavishing love and kindness on others. I'm not necessarily good at spontaneous love lavishing so it helps to have an occasion. In honor of this special day, I thought it'd be fun to share some of my past Valentine's Day experiences. Here are four that were all very different. In order to be as accurate as possible, I consulted my journals (which date back to 1991). Enjoy!


Valentine's Day 2001

My roomie and my friend, who are now married

I was a freshman in college and had very recently broken up with my first college boyfriend. I had met him through another friend at college (they were roommates) and my roommate and I hung out with them all the time. We still hung out some (albeit a little awkwardly) after the break up and the guys decided that they would take us ladies out to dinner and our school's home basketball game on Valentine's Day. They told us to dress up so we did. They showed up in coats and ties and brought us roses and chocolate. We went to Waffle House (my first time at that establishment) for dinner and then headed to the game. We had court-side seats for the game. My friend sat between the guys and I sat on the far side of my non-ex guy friend. We were having a pretty good time watching our beloved Wolfpack play. Then the Kiss Cam started making rounds. It stopped on my roommate and my ex. Awkward. The cameraman eventually moved on. Our team won big.

Valentine's Day 2002

A valentine rose

My sophomore year of college I was dating my second college boyfriend (of three, if you're curious). We had been dating for almost a year. He had a plan for us but didn't have a driver's license so on Valentine's Day I was being fed directions to parts unknown. We ended up at a gem mining place. He bought us a bag of dirt and we sluiced in search of emeralds (my birthstone) and topaz. I enjoyed the creativity and novelty of the date but it did not hit my radar for romantic or sentimental (I'm a big words person and a card with a hand-written note goes a looooooooong way with me. But, according to my journal, he gave me a letter he had forgotten the day before.). In hindsight, I was struggling with feelings that we were not right for each other and was hoping the holiday would give me evidence to the contrary (which it didn't).

Here's some additional interesting information from around this event.

I had begun a friendship with a guy in my Statistics for Engineers class. A few days before Valentine's Day he asked me what I was doing for the holiday (in my naivety I didn't realize that it was a feeler to see if a date might be possible). I said that I was probably doing something with my boyfriend (the first mention of him to my friend). That was the end of that...or was it?

Valentine's Day 2003

Yes, that's us

[Disclaimer: This is my very favorite Valentine's Day experience so sorry if it's long and rambling.]

I had been dating my boyfriend for six months (four of which I was studying abroad in Spain). I liked him very much and was dying to express such feelings to him but wanted to wait until he said he loved me first. [Early in our relationship he had told me that he was only going to say "I love you" to the person he was planning to marry. I told him to take his time. Also, while I was studying abroad I experienced that pivotal moment when I knew (with no actual evidence) that he was "the One" and I would marry him. (Please tell me I'm not the only one who has had this epiphany where you "just know".)] According to my journal, I was struggling with this decision not to say anything a few days before V Day and told Adam who told me to "wait and trust him".

So Valentine's Day was day was here and I had gotten him a Foxtrot comic strip book and could not figure out how to sign off on my card. I ended up writing "XOXO" (I believe) instead of "Love". Anyway, he came over to my apartment in the morning to pick me up for class and brought me six red roses, each with a little heart on them sharing one of his memories of our first six months of dating. There was also a card inviting me to a home-cooked dinner at his apartment that evening. I was quite excited!

Yes, I still have them all in a scrabook

In the evening I headed over to his apartment with my gift for him. He had prepared a London broil, baked potatoes and broccoli casserole, all delicious. (He had cooked for me previously so I had an inkling of his culinary talents.) During dinner he told me that he had purchased us tickets to see Phantom of the Opera (I had seen it in Spain - in Spanish, of course - and was interested in seeing it in English as well). We watched America's Sweethearts and ate some fruit with chocolate dipping sauce for dessert (mmm, chocolate-dipped strawberries!).

After the movie, I shared that I was struggling with not sharing my feelings with him and felt I was being selfish (since I knew the ramifications for him). He said that he had been deciding on a way to share his feelings with me. He then pulled out a paper and started reading me a list of things he liked about me. Part way in he (accidentally?) replaced "like" with "love" and my mind started freaking out. He continued his list but I had tuned out (this is a recurring theme in big moments with him, see also: marriage proposal) and was focused on my inner monologue. Oh my goodness!  He just said "love", not "like"! Does this mean he loves me?! Is he going to say it?! Oh man...! (Not direct quotes, obviously.) He finished his list and then told me he loved me. I hugged him and whispered it back because I had been tearing up during his list and was too emotional to speak properly.

Still makes me smile.

Valentine's Day 2007

This was our first Valentine's Day as a married couple. Not particularly gushy but still huge. We spent several hours in a conference room with some lawyers and another couple signing legal documents until our hands wanted to fall off. That's right, we bought our FIRST HOUSE on Valentine's Day! It wasn't really planned that way. I don't have a journal entry from this monumental occasion so I'll speculate that we spent some time freaking out at the huge life decision we had just made. We probably went out to dinner still with the "deer in headlights" look.

In front of our first house

I would love to hear about a memorable Valentine's Day of yours. Awkward, romantic, silly, sweet, cringe-worthy, whatever. Share your stories!

Dear Daughter: Learn From My Mistakes

Dear Daughter,

I love you so much! I know that you are only five years old as I write this but there are some things I want to remember to share with you as you get older so I thought I'd write them down now while I'm thinking about them. I pray that you choose Jesus while you are still young. I pray that you know how much God loves you and that he is trustworthy and has wonderful plans for your life. I pray that you will choose to love and honor Him with your life. I asked Jesus to be my Savior when I was 17, but I did not understand what it meant to follow him then and didn't really begin that process purposefully until I was nearly 20.

I wish I had been more secure in my knowledge of who I was in Christ and more confident in God's plans and provision for me. I struggled for several years with feeling shame at my failure and imperfection before learning that the shame and fear I felt were from Satan. God is love and perfect love casts out fear. There is no condemnation for those who belong to Jesus. I didn't fully comprehend that my first couple of years of college and believed the enemy's lies about myself. I pray that you do not also believe the enemy's lies and so I want to share some of my experiences with the hope that you might not travel some of the same roads I did.

I made a public profession of faith in Jesus and was baptized the spring of my junior year of high school. I had a friend tell me he already thought I was a Christian. I was actually really good at following the rules and acting somewhat like someone who was a Christian. I hated getting in trouble and was fine with playing the role of a "goody two shoes". It was not the outward manifestation of a heart who loved Jesus. So when I was baptized, I continued in my rule following because I didn't know that there was more to being a Christian. Perhaps someone had talked to me about how much Jesus loved me and encouraged me to deepen the relationship through prayer and reading the Bible but I don't remember. Sometimes I wonder whether I would have been more firm in standing up for what I thought if I had gotten that aspect of the relationship with Jesus while in high school.

Nothing major happened between 17 and 20 but I had some stumbles I was afraid to share for a long time because I thought it made me a bad Christian and I would be judged poorly by other Christians (and considered a hypocrite by those who didn't believe in Jesus). I allowed the physical boundaries I had set up for myself to be breached because I feared that if I stood firm I would be rejected (and I am a recovering people pleaser). At the time I did not trust that God had plans regarding my relationships and would provide me with a man who loved God and loved me enough to respect my boundaries. I sought man's approval over God's. I admit that I blamed others for taking advantage of my naivety and trust and for manipulating my emotions. I am learning to see that they are human, too, and were seeking love and acceptance like the rest of us. I understand now that they were trying to obtain that love and acceptance in the ways the world told them were right or normal. I'm not saying that there is not responsibility on all sides, I'm just saying that I don't think they were trying to purposefully hurt or take advantage of me. 

I share this with you to say that God is trustworthy and faithful. He knows what you need when you need it and will provide you with it at just the right time. This includes a loving, respectful relationship. It is important to remember that God's timing is not your timing. I know several people who dearly love Jesus and had to wait longer than they wanted to meet and marry their spouse. It is possible that you may meet your spouse in high school and college so I'm not going to say that dating during these times is fruitless but I don't think finding a spouse should be your main objective. I think you should focus on loving and serving God with your life. If you are pursuing his purposes, he will provide whatever is needed, including relationships. I believe that God will provide you with a spouse who respects you and your boundaries, one who does not put any pressure on you to prove your love for them. I believe someone who truly loves God and is pursuing Him themselves will be more concerned with increasing your intimacy with God than increasing your level of physical intimacy with one another.

Right about the time I started to understand more about what having an authentic relationship with Jesus meant, I met your father. In one of our first interactions I attempted to share my faith with him. It turned out he already knew Jesus, but it was a good start to a potential friendship. God's timing was perfect. I was seeking to know God more and was quite excited about what I was learning. As such it was a subject I brought up often and wanted to discuss with others. In our first few months of getting to know each other I was praying a lot more and seeking God's guidance. We were friends for about eight months (part of that time I was dating someone else, the rest was spent trying not to begin a dating relationship with your father before I studied abroad for a semester). Our first four months of "dating" were spent on pay phones using international calling cards and long emails filled with questions about one another. As hard as it sounds not having any physical contact for months, it was such a blessing. I feel like we were really able to spend that time focusing on our individual relationships with God and encouraging one another in our faiths. It helped secure our relationship to God, I think. Our dating relationship wasn't perfect (obviously since there was a break-up along the way - another story for another day) but I know God was in it with us and helped us become people who encouraged, supported, loved and were committed to one another. That's what I want for you - a spouse who loves you and God, supports you, encourages you in your endeavors and faith and is committed to you and your relationship together.

My precious girl, you are worth the wait. You are worth a commitment of love and faithfulness. You are worthy of a spouse who loves you and respects you and encourages you to become the woman God created you to be. You are lovable just as you are and there is nothing you must do to earn or be worthy of another's love. Jesus loved us before we loved and knew him. He found us worthy of love and sacrifice simply because we are God's creation. If Christ's love has no demands, then neither should man's. Love is something that is to be freely given without expectation or demand for reciprocation. Remember that God loves you no matter what and that your father and I will also always love you. You cannot lose God's love nor ours. It is yours regardless of your words, thoughts or actions. We love you and desire God's best for you and your life. We are proud of you and we pray that you will grow into the woman you were created to be, a woman who loves and serves God and others.

Love, Mom

For First-Time Parents: Potty Training

Here's part four of the First-Time Parent series which addresses topics common to all parents. Part One was about night-time sleep, Part Two about napping and Part Three about feeding.

We didn't start BB this young, but she's so cute!

My daughter is three years old and she’s completely potty trained. Hurray! The total process has taken nine months which may sound like a drag, especially with all of those “train your child in one day” books and whatnot, but has been a steady progression without too many bumps and only a couple of public mishaps (which to me sounds pretty good). I thought it’d be nice to share my experience to remind me when it’s LB’s turn.

Last summer, I started thinking more about it. I definitely wanted to be on the no diaper track by the time LB made his appearance. I heard from some of my mom friends with two kids that once the new baby arrives and you are dealing with newborn diapers, you feel like you’re wiping an adult’s rear when  changing your older child. And it makes financial sense to only be buying diapers for one child. (That’s right, we are a disposable diaper family. I spend plenty of time with the washer and dryer as it is. I didn’t feel like quadrupling my time in the laundry room. Not that I didn’t consider it. I know plenty of people who do use reusables and more power to them!)

I read a few books about potty training. The ones that mentioned training in 1, 2, and 3 days seemed quite appealing. I asked my mom what she used. She managed to find a copy of the book and mailed it to me. It was the one I ended up using as a reference: Toilet Training in Less Than a Day by Nathan Azrin. (I just used Amazon to find the title and also found Potty Training Boys the Easy Way which is intriguing and may be read before we start the process with LB in a few years.)

I picked a start date when BB was close to 2 ½ years, one when we could be at home all day for a few days to get the hang of things. I then spent the days leading up to that day dreading its arrival. I don’t know whether it was from hearing others’ experiences, but I imagined it being very tedious and requiring large amounts of time cleaning someone else’s urine off of the floor. Like most other unknown experiences, it’s really not as bad as you imagine it to be. The fear of the unknown is nearly always worse than the actual experience.

The day finally arrived and I had all of my materials – a week’s worth of panties, washcloths, a potty, a training doll (in our case, BB’s favorite stuffed monster, Elmo), juice, water, snacks and rewards. After breakfast I took Elmo through the motions of using the potty, praised him and gave him a reward (M&M) which BB was able to eat since Elmo can’t. We did it several times to get used to the what all is involved. As instructed in the book, Elmo then had an accident. We talked about important people (mommy, daddy, Grammy, Grandaddy, etc) liking dry panties and had Elmo practice using the potty and change his panties. (Humorous side note: for months after the potty training week, BB would refer to her plain white panties as Elmo’s panties because they were what we had used on him.) I asked often if BB had dry panties (the book suggested praising dry, clean pants instead of the act of using the potty as staying dry and clean is the true goal). She would receive a reward when the answer was yes. I had her sit on the potty every so often (I had a chart I followed that had me write in times of various commands/activities to chart progress and spot patterns). Eventually she had an accident. She was not very happy about being wet but I had her clean it up with a washcloth (I helped make sure it all got cleaned), we practiced using the potty, and then I had her change her panties. We did this most of the day, me giving her salty snacks and juice, practicing with Elmo a few more times and playing mostly in the kitchen where the floor is easy to clean. It was kind of boring, but it was nice to know that it was only for a short duration. I still had her nap and sleep in a diaper.

The next couple of days we stayed home to practice getting used to recognizing the sensation of having to use the bathroom and then going. Still plenty of rewards for dry, clean panties. More teaching her to be careful when emptying the small potty into the big potty and flushing. No bowel movements into the potty, but I had heard that it takes more time to get used to doing that on a potty.

On day four I decided to venture out for a short trip. I put a towel in the car seat, had her sit on the potty right before we left, and off to the library we went. We were only gone about twenty minutes but I gave BB lots of praise and a reward for staying dry and clean while we were out. As the weeks went on, I got braver and braver. BB got better at recognizing the need to go and we both gained confidence in her abilities. Eventually she started pooping in the potty. The first time, she received major praise and an extra special reward. For a while all bowel movements into the potty received a special reward. When BB had fully grasped using the potty, we phased out the rewards by letting whatever treat run out of stock in the pantry and then announced that she was a big girl and the treats were all gone.

We still put her in diapers for nap and bedtime. As she started staying completely dry through nap time we let her stay in panties (which was what she wanted). It has taken a lot longer for her to stay dry through the night but I am attributing that to maturity of her body. The past month we have been tracking her dry nights. BB went nearly a week two months back with dry diapers at night so we put her in panties and she woke up wet the next morning. We tried two more nights with the same results so she went into a pull up. We thought perhaps she could still get up and use the bathroom if she needed. A few weeks after that BB announced that she wanted to sleep in panties. We told her she had to have a week of dry diapers to be able to sleep in panties. She achieved that so we put her in panties and started a sticker chart to track her dry nights. In the past four weeks she only had one slightly wet night (only the panties and pjs were damp, not her sheets) and that was day four. We told her when she went a whole month with dry panties she could pick out a special toy or have a special cupcake. She chose the cupcake.

Nine months sounds long, but it was really just the first few weeks that I was most cautious and then a day or so after the occasional accident. Now that we’re finally at this point, everything before doesn’t seem all that bad. It’s been so much better than dealing with two children in diapers.

We’ve had a few road trips throughout this adventure. We would put BB in a pull up just in case, but she’d tell us she had to go and we’d stop so she could. I’ll admit that we did consider having her just go into the pull up once or twice so that we didn’t have to stop but we did stop in order to continue to encourage her progress.

It’ll be quite a while before I get to go through this process with LB (and I wonder whether it’ll be distinctly different with a boy or just because it’s a different child) but at least I’ve been through it once now. I’m sure I’ll still feel a little dread when the day approaches, but I now have experience on my side and the knowledge that accidents are temporary but being out of diapers is forever (I hope).

Experienced parents, how did your potty training experience/s go? For those who have potty trained boys and girls, are there any stark differences you noticed? Any advice to share on what to do (or what NOT to do)?

Two Things Not to Say to a Mom of One

There is a long list of things people, especially strangers, should not say to young mothers (or fathers). Below are two that have bothered me the most.

Me and BB

1. Having one is SOOOOO easy.

Looking back at one child from the view of two or more, it is easy to say that. Not long after my son was born I saw the advantages of having one instead of two (especially one who is much more self-sufficient than her newborn baby brother). It’s much easier to get one dressed, fed, and ready for outings. One is easier to keep track of while on an outing. One is easier to keep entertained. There is more time to do the things I want/need to get done during the day. But, of course, as your family grows, you tend to forget what it was like the first time around.

When my daughter was born, I had no idea what I was doing most of the time. Every experience was new and I had to figure out how to handle each one in a manner that worked for our family.  I read quite a few books to try to help me through various situations – weaning, solid foods, sleep scheduling, potty training. You name it, there are thousands of books to tell you the “right” way to do it. And there are plenty of conflicting ideas, as Ava Neyer pointed out.

All of the helpful advice can be overwhelming and make you feel like you’re doing it wrong and you’re going to screw up your child and you are so not cut out for this and on and on and on. Sometimes you end up trying it all only to find that your child does not fit any of the molds. Sometimes you will do something you swore you’d never do or that many people say is bad for the baby but it works and is saving your sanity so you go with it.

As a first time parent, EVERYTHING is a big deal. It is super important for the baby to follow the schedule to a T every single day. I know that once you find something that works, you try to hold onto it for as long as possible, which doesn’t tend to be that long as babies are always changing things up, especially that first year. By the time you get a good three nap schedule down, they decide to drop one. When you are finally figuring out a good time for errands, the baby will get sick and keep you home for a few days (or a week). It’s one giant guessing game.

It is so tough being a first-time parent. Experience makes the second time around A LOT better.  I still am not getting everything “right” but I know (from experience) that everything is a stage that WILL pass and that really helps get me through. And, of course, I’m still continuing to experience plenty of firsts with our oldest child.

2. So, when are you having another one?

As my journey into relationships with other mothers has progressed, I have learned that there are a lot of reasons families have one child. The simplest reason is that it is what the couple has decided completes their family. But, many times, this is not the case. I have quite a few women in my circle who have had issues with pregnancy. For some, their first child was a miracle. They would love to have more, but they didn’t even think they could have one. Some are in the process of trying to get pregnant a second time, but have had months, or years, of disappointment. Some women have dealt with the sorrow of one or several miscarriages before and/or after their first child. Other women had such a rough first pregnancy and/or delivery that they don’t want to risk having the same, or a worse, experience.

Most of these are issues no one wants to discuss with strangers or even well-meaning friends. The question may hit a sore spot without you ever knowing. I know of one instance when I asked that question to someone who had just suffered their second miscarriage (I didn’t know that until later). Since then, I have chosen to refrain from asking this question. I would caution you to also think hard before using this question as a casual conversation topic.

Do you have any additional suggestions on what not to say to a mom of one? Do you remember inappropriate or insensitive things told to you with your first or only child?