The Word of the Year

  The beginning of a new year is often a flurry of activity for many people: resolutions and goals, reflecting on the past year, planning out the year ahead. In the past several years I have become aware of a large segment of people having a word of the year - a word that tells what they hope the year will bring, perhaps something to remind them of their focus and goals. It seems to have brought meaning to a lot of people.

  This year I thought it would be neat to have a word and see how it applies to my life throughout the year. Last year I felt God was asking me to TRUST and REST and so I was learning to live in those two words, though it wasn't something I set about working on.

  I don't really know how most people choose a word. I pondered something that would encompass an area I desired to grow in. At first I thought BELOVED would be good so that I could learn to be secure in the identity I have in Christ. I was praying about it in the early hours of the new year as I was trying to fall asleep. The word TRUTH stood out in my mind. It doesn't seem like a typical word - there's no real action to be taken (like COURAGE or BRAVE or UNSTOPPABLE). It seems kind of "eh". So I prayed God, is this what you'd like me to focus on this year? Is this my focus for the year - truth? And I think it is.

  I am quickly warming up to the word TRUTH. I am looking forward to studying the word, mainly in scripture. I know that God's word is truth. Jesus says that he is the truth. I am looking forward to really digging into truth. I know our society likes to say that truth is relative, that there is no absolute truth, that each person makes their own truth. I don't really agree with that so I am excited to set down some truth for me to anchor myself to and have firm footing.

  In addition to studying TRUTH in scripture, I think I am also supposed to work on speaking TRUTH (in love, of course). I have been a people pleaser for years, the underlying fear being rejection. I have been learning that I have an everlasting love in Christ so I do not need to fear being rejected by people. I will always be loved and accepted and valued in Jesus. So I would like to be more true to myself - honest about my thoughts, likes, dislikes, desires. I don't want to temper enthusiasm for fear of the buzz kills out there. I want to be able to express joy and disappointment and anticipation and not worry about what others may think or say.

  I am excited for the year ahead and excited to see what is in store. I know many people also choose a Bible verse for their year. I wonder if it's related to their word. It's probably a hope or reminder as well. I would like to do this, but I think I will wait for one to emerge from my study of truth in scripture.

Do you have a special word or verse for 2017? I'd love to hear what it is!

Determining My Worth

  As a type A person, I am all about getting things done. I constantly have a to-do list I'm working toward crossing off. I feel like I'm being productive and wise with my time if I am doing something. However, I have been learning that the enemy likes to use busyness to keep us from being effective in loving and serving others. We think we're doing good things, but I often find that if my focus is on my to-do list then I am not making time to connect or interact with others. At the end of the day I may have cleaned the house, but I didn't have any meaningful relational interactions with friends and family.

  I have been trying to scale back on activities so that there is plenty of room for spontaneity or interruptions of my plans. I want to be able to answer a phone call or text from a friend or sit down and read a book or play Legos with my kids without it feeling like a disruption to my day. It's certainly not a poor use of my time even though the enemy tries to make me think so.

  This morning while journaling during my quiet time with God, the following statement emerged:

Your worth is not determined by your performance.

It struck me and made me pause in my journaling time. This is a truth I struggle with often. I know in my mind that I am loved regardless of my behavior. I am loved just because I am a creation of God's. But often times my behavior does not reflect this truth. I can get caught up in trying to do things to please God, or perhaps be worthy of his love and grace. I don't need to. I cannot be loved more or less than I already am. I can stop trying to impress God or other people.

  I know some of my efforts are to prove to others that I am a good Christian, whatever that means. It feels like there's an invisible bar I'm trying to reach in order to win the favor of others. This is impossible and yet another trap of the devil. He wants me to be endlessly striving, wearing myself out trying to achieve something that is unachievable. Nothing I do can every make every single person like me or approve of me. There will always be people who choose to judge me negatively. I cannot control others' perceptions of me. What I can do is rest in the knowledge that I am already loved and approved by the one who made me and knows me most intimately.

Am I now seeking the approval of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.          

 ~Galatians 1:10 

Listen, Love, Repeat

  I had the privilege of receiving a preview pdf of a wonderful book, Listen, Love, Repeat: Other-Centered Living in a Self-Centered World by Karen Ehman that is officially available today. The title of the book immediately intrigued and attracted me. I know that I have a tendency to be selfish and self-centered and was hoping this book would help me to shift my focus more outwardly toward those around me.

  This is a very practical book with inspiring stories and examples that motivated me to try to be more intentional in looking for opportunities to serve those around me. I liked that the chapters were divided into different groups of people in our lives and specific suggestions on how to love them well. I pre-ordered a copy and look forward to using this book as a reference point as I seek to be more intentional in my relationships.

  I want to share some of the encouragement and inspiration with you so I will share some of my favorite quotes from the book. Enjoy!

Only when we love and share and serve, as Scripture commands us, can we live life on purpose, embracing the reason God brought us to Earth in the first place. As we reach out not only to friends and family but to strangers, the lonely, and the less-than-lovely, we will learn to mirror Christ and to let his light shine so that he gets all the glory.

  I have become increasingly aware over the years that my focus should be on loving God and loving others. A very high calling but also a very important one. When doing things, perhaps I should ask myself - does this show love for God and/or others? Only doing things that answer the question affirmatively would certainly save a lot of heartache.

  I enjoyed that Karen consistently reminded me that our reason for loving and serving is to point to Jesus. Our whole lives are supposed to be lived in a way that show Christ's love to the world around us. I know I am sometimes motivated by my personal glory or the approval of others. I appreciated this check of my heart to my underlying desires.

Paul instructs us to help to lighten the load of others, because when we encourage, cheer, help, guide, or simply do life with another person, we let them see a little snippet of Christ and his love. Our acts don't have to be complicated or grand. Even simple acts of service and offerings of time can have a monumental effect in the life of another.

  I like the reminder that we don't have to make grand gestures all of the time to show love and be effective in showing Christ's love. A listening ear can be a great blessing to someone who needs to share what's on their heart. I know how encouraged I am when someone takes a little time to reach out and let me know that they were thinking about me or praying for me. Being told that you are on someone's mind can be a huge lift for your spirit.

The pause and preparation were good for my soul. They reminded me that relationships require work, that remembering isn't always easy - and that sometimes sweat is involved in listening and loving.

  It is good to remember that we should be covering our desires to serve, and subsequent efforts, in prayer. God knows the hearts of others better than we do and can show us the most effective way to love and serve someone. If we will be sensitive to his leading, we can love in meaningful ways, even though it may seem insignificant to us.

Living a life of welcome - opening both your heart and your home - means your stuff gets used. And reused. Over and over again. Your items get nicked and scratched. Your carpet and rugs and linens get stained. While this doesn't mean we don't try to make our surroundings pleasant, it does mean we learn to accept some degree of imperfection. Well-used items often mean that we have loved well.

  I know that this is true, but sometimes it's a struggle for me. I like the things I have in my home and want them to continue to look nice, but if I am really going to love people (and especially families with young kids) I have to expect that some damage will be done. Perhaps I can remember that these loved people are giving my home more character. It is definitely worth losing a book here and there to people who might be encouraged by the message within. It's just stuff. And it's meant to be used to love others. Everything should have a use and a purpose (even if the purpose is just to look pretty or create a welcoming, peace-filled environment). If I can keep a love-focused attitude, then I can keep my hands open to sharing and using my possessions for God's purposes.

Jesus modeled upside-down living and loving. In addition to loving people who were socially marginalized, Jesus loved those who hated and despised him. Those who treated him terribly. He encouraged his followers to do the same, without excuse.

  This can be a tall order. We all love caring for those who also care for us. It's the ones that rub us the wrong way or are outright contentious or rude that cause us to struggle against what Jesus has asked us to do. We all have at least one person in our life we'd like to pretend does not exist. But if we are not consistently kind and present, how will they know Christ's love for them. Obviously we should not willingly submit to abusive relationships. We should be wise in our relationships.

The only way to go about loving the difficult is to expect nothing in return. If we do good in order to gain accolades or to receive praise, or expect to convert someone and have a great redemptive story to tell, we will quickly give up. We love others out of obedience to God. Then we leave the results to him. When your expectation bar is lowered all the way down, you will not have to fear being disappointed by their lack of response. So expect nothing in return. Zero.

  This is a big challenge for me, and probably many others. We are results oriented. We want acknowledgement for our hard work. We want others to know what we have done, to be raised up. But Jesus wasn't like that. He was seeking God's glory, not his own. And, if I really love God and others, then my glory should be the last thing on my mind. I can't say this won't be a constant battle, but it is one I am willing to wage.

If you long to be a person who scatters God's kindness, surround yourself with others who have the same desire. You can share ideas, pray for each other, and encourage each other during those times when you think the effort simply isn't worth it. Christian support is crucial if you wish to live a life that follows and reflects Jesus.

 I love this reminder that loving others should be done in community. We need people to encourage, support and inspire us or we will be tempted to give up when it becomes challenging or tiring. We don't need to be continuously expending energy and effort without pausing to refill and refresh ourselves.

I think this book is amazing. If you were encouraged or inspired by the quotes you read, I would highly recommend getting a copy of this book for yourselves.  

Being Vulnerable With Your Spouse

  I have been listening to a podcast called Marriage is Funny, which is produced by a married couple that has been married about as long as Adam and I have. I have only listened to a few episodes and have started from the beginning (there are currently 40+ episodes). I love that they speak honestly about things that they have experienced and are able to insert a little humor into serious topics. From the first episode I have felt like we are kindred spirits and that they can relate to my experience of marriage (they talked about fighting about hanging a chandelier early in their marriage, our tension stemmed from making homemade pizza and painting our new house). It seems like we might be good friends even though our life paths have veered slightly (and the small fact that we don't live anywhere close to one another). I love how they are willing to be vulnerable with one another and their listeners. It has endeared me to them.

  A few days ago I listened to their seventh episode "Putting On A Bikini is the Best Way to Cheer Up A Crying Husband". The woman, Jessie, was talking about wearing bikinis, Gerard's perspective and the conflict some people have regarding Christianity and modesty. She then kind of veered off topic to share with Gerard (and the listening audience) that she sometimes struggled with feeling attractive to Gerard and needed him to tell her that he thinks she is beautiful more frequently.

  I, too, have struggled with the very same thing. The fact that she got choked up a bit sharing this, encouraged me because I also got the weird tear-strangled voice when I once said this to Adam. My immediate thought was relief that I am not the only one who has felt this need for their spouse to reassure them of their beauty. It seems anti-feminist to want to be attractive to my spouse, but the need is there regardless. It doesn't matter what others may think as long as I know the man who has won my heart thinks I'm pretty.

  I know that I am God's beloved. I know that he created me and did not err in the features I have. I know that I have his heart and that I am a delight to him. I suppose that ought to be enough, but I am human. I desire that reassurance from the person who knows me more intimately than anyone else.

  I remember how I hated to bring it up because I knew it might make him feel like he was somehow lacking. He loves me so well and demonstrates it in so many ways that I don't want to negate all that he does for me over one thing. Sometimes I wonder if what I feel is a need is actually the devil trying to drive a wedge between us. Regardless, I felt it was important to share something that felt important to me so that I did not feel resentful (and truly put something between us) and perhaps might receive the reassurance I desired.

  I am sharing this because I have now learned that I am not the only one who has struggled with this and am wondering if you, too, have also felt this way at some point. I want you to know that I understand and that your feelings are valid and normal. Please be courageous and share your heart with your spouse. It's very difficult for your spouse to meet an unexpressed need or desire. I pray that God would give you wisdom on when and how to express your desire and that your spouse would have a heart to receive your request without feeling personally attacked.

The Longing in Me

I recently read Sheila Walsh's new book The Longing in Me: How Everything You Crave Leads to the Heart of God. It is a really good read! Christian or not, we all have longings in our hearts that we are desperate to have met. Generally, at their most basic, they are the desire to be loved, known and/or accepted. As people, we tend to seek fulfillment in a variety of sources - relationships, careers, success, families, vices (gambling, alcohol, drugs, shopping, food, sex), etc. Most of us have found that these worldly things we seek do not satisfy. They may depress the acuteness of the longing but they do not remove it. That is because our longing can only be fully met by God.

In Sheila's book, she shares some of her own experiences of trying to find fulfillment in other places. She walks through a variety of longings, talking about a specific one in each chapter, while sharing her story. Sheila also shares the story of David from the Bible and shows us how he, too, had these longings and revealing how he handled them as "a man after God's own heart" (1 Samuel 13:14).

Here is the list of longings covered in the book: to be chosen, to be protected, for what used to be, for control, for your rights, for that one thing you think you need to be happy, to make everything right, for what would glorify God, to share the grace and mercy we've received from God, for God alone.

I think all of us can relate to at least one of these longings. I know I struggle with several of these - definitely for my rights, for what would glorify God, to be chosen, to share the grace and mercy I've received from God and for God alone. I love how she reminds us that we are not the only ones with these longings and offers wisdom in giving each longing to the only one who can fulfill them, God.

Each chapter had some wisdom and encouragement for me and I believe it will for each person who reads it. If you are feeling lonely, unloved, rejected, unknown, misunderstood or hopeless, I highly suggest you pick up this book and be reminded of how much you are loved, accepted and known by the one who created you. He will never leave you. He is ever for you and always with you. Trust in his goodness, love and grace. Let him fight on your behalf and redeem your circumstances for his glory. He is ever faithful!

The book is officially out today! If it sounds like there's something in there you can relate to, I highly recommend you get a copy. If nothing else, it will remind you of God's love, mercy and faithfulness.

Confessions of a Recovering People Pleaser

I have struggled for a long time with being a people pleaser. In recent years I have acknowledged this tendency and have tried to care less about what others might think of me.

As a Christ-follower I am loved and accepted unconditionally by God. I do not have to think, speak or perform a certain way to receive love and grace and favor. God loves me as much know as he ever has and ever will. He delights in me and continues to pursue my heart. He knows the depth and breadth of my potential and seeks to help me reach it. He is always for me, always with me, always on my side. What have I done to deserve such lavish love? Nothing. He offers it to me for free through Jesus simply because I am his creation. Who could want or need more than that?

But do I often live as this cherished beloved? No. Often I have striven to achieve the favor and acceptance of my fellow human. It's not hard to see why. People are everywhere, more than ready to offer their thoughts and judgments, reigning favor on whomever pleases them at that moment. It reminds me of the children's story, You Are Special, by Max Lucado. I have read it quite a few times to my daughter and have choked up on more than one occasion at the reminder that I am God's and it doesn't matter what other people think or say about me, what matters - and what is true - is what God says about me.

I just finished Sheila Walsh's book The Longing in Me: How Everything You Crave Leads to the Heart of God. At the end of the first chapter she invited the reader to write the following phrase on a card and stick it somewhere where it can be seen daily in order to become imbedded into the heart:

The God who created me has chosen me as His beautifully loved daughter. Because of that I can take other rejections in stride.

I so desperately want to live that phrase. I want my heart and actions to be focused on living as I have been created, knowing that I will be criticized but that God is always for me and will be my defense and my redeemer.

I recently reviewed my past and remembered some specific instances when I acted in a certain way in order to seek the favor of people even though I didn't necessarily agree or feel confident about it. No one specifically said that they would be disappointed or I would be rejected, but at the moment of decision I felt that choosing wrong would lead to rejection and, at the time, I cared more about acceptance than being true to myself. Perhaps reminding myself of these will help me to be true to myself in the future. Though, true to his nature, God has brought good from many of these experiences.

In the middle of seventh grade I moved to a new state and started in a new middle school (the worst). Someone asked me if I liked 501 jeans. I did not care much about clothing brands then (or now, really) so I assumed it was the cool brand. I said "yes" and then the person said, "That means you like (some boy in the class)." The person then teased me about liking someone I didn't even know. In retrospect, there probably wasn't a right answer to the question that would have spared me being teased. (I realized while writing this that I did start trying to dress more like who I thought were the cool kids over the next few years in hopes of fitting in more.)

In eighth grade homeroom one of the girls called me "Beast" one day when she realized that I had not yet started shaving my legs (I have blond hair so it's not really noticeable). That afternoon I went home and asked my mom to show me how to shave my legs. It wasn't really necessary but I didn't want to experience that rejection and ridicule again if I could help it. I bet it was just a one-time comment that she never thought about again but obviously it affected me as I still remember it 20 years later. I hope these experiences as "the new girl" have helped me to be more compassionate toward other newcomers I meet.

In high school a girl asked me if I believed in God. I did (I had not yet made a profession of faith) but I wasn't sure what she thought about faith and didn't want to be rejected so I said that I wasn't sure. Who knows what would have happened if I had been honest? Perhaps she would have asked me more about God. I doubt she would have shunned me but I still didn't feel completely accepted in my new school. (Feeling bad about not standing up for my belief in God ended up being a catalyst in seeking to learn more about God to determine what I really did believe which led to baptism.)

When I was applying to college I wasn't really sure what I wanted to study. My parents thought I should go into engineering since I was good at math and science and it was a field looking for more women. I moved forward in that major since I wanted to please my parents and didn't have anything strong in mind. In this case, I think it was beneficial to me. It wasn't going against any actual beliefs or thoughts. It may have helped my admissions acceptance having the label of "female engineering student". I eventually discovered that I much preferred psychology and it only required an extra semester of school (and more math and science classes completed than required for my official major, perhaps a negative of not going in undeclared). I also met my future husband in one of my engineering classes my last semester in that major (definitely a major benefit!).



I'm sure there are many more instances when I sought to please others rather than be honest in who I was or what I thought. I'm sure many of you can think of your own experiences. If you are brave enough to share, I'd love to hear them and be reminded that I'm not alone.

Valentine's Day Memories

Valentine's Day is nearly upon us. I like excuses for lavishing love and kindness on others. I'm not necessarily good at spontaneous love lavishing so it helps to have an occasion. In honor of this special day, I thought it'd be fun to share some of my past Valentine's Day experiences. Here are four that were all very different. In order to be as accurate as possible, I consulted my journals (which date back to 1991). Enjoy!


Valentine's Day 2001

My roomie and my friend, who are now married

I was a freshman in college and had very recently broken up with my first college boyfriend. I had met him through another friend at college (they were roommates) and my roommate and I hung out with them all the time. We still hung out some (albeit a little awkwardly) after the break up and the guys decided that they would take us ladies out to dinner and our school's home basketball game on Valentine's Day. They told us to dress up so we did. They showed up in coats and ties and brought us roses and chocolate. We went to Waffle House (my first time at that establishment) for dinner and then headed to the game. We had court-side seats for the game. My friend sat between the guys and I sat on the far side of my non-ex guy friend. We were having a pretty good time watching our beloved Wolfpack play. Then the Kiss Cam started making rounds. It stopped on my roommate and my ex. Awkward. The cameraman eventually moved on. Our team won big.

Valentine's Day 2002

A valentine rose

My sophomore year of college I was dating my second college boyfriend (of three, if you're curious). We had been dating for almost a year. He had a plan for us but didn't have a driver's license so on Valentine's Day I was being fed directions to parts unknown. We ended up at a gem mining place. He bought us a bag of dirt and we sluiced in search of emeralds (my birthstone) and topaz. I enjoyed the creativity and novelty of the date but it did not hit my radar for romantic or sentimental (I'm a big words person and a card with a hand-written note goes a looooooooong way with me. But, according to my journal, he gave me a letter he had forgotten the day before.). In hindsight, I was struggling with feelings that we were not right for each other and was hoping the holiday would give me evidence to the contrary (which it didn't).

Here's some additional interesting information from around this event.

I had begun a friendship with a guy in my Statistics for Engineers class. A few days before Valentine's Day he asked me what I was doing for the holiday (in my naivety I didn't realize that it was a feeler to see if a date might be possible). I said that I was probably doing something with my boyfriend (the first mention of him to my friend). That was the end of that...or was it?

Valentine's Day 2003

Yes, that's us

[Disclaimer: This is my very favorite Valentine's Day experience so sorry if it's long and rambling.]

I had been dating my boyfriend for six months (four of which I was studying abroad in Spain). I liked him very much and was dying to express such feelings to him but wanted to wait until he said he loved me first. [Early in our relationship he had told me that he was only going to say "I love you" to the person he was planning to marry. I told him to take his time. Also, while I was studying abroad I experienced that pivotal moment when I knew (with no actual evidence) that he was "the One" and I would marry him. (Please tell me I'm not the only one who has had this epiphany where you "just know".)] According to my journal, I was struggling with this decision not to say anything a few days before V Day and told Adam who told me to "wait and trust him".

So Valentine's Day was day was here and I had gotten him a Foxtrot comic strip book and could not figure out how to sign off on my card. I ended up writing "XOXO" (I believe) instead of "Love". Anyway, he came over to my apartment in the morning to pick me up for class and brought me six red roses, each with a little heart on them sharing one of his memories of our first six months of dating. There was also a card inviting me to a home-cooked dinner at his apartment that evening. I was quite excited!

Yes, I still have them all in a scrabook

In the evening I headed over to his apartment with my gift for him. He had prepared a London broil, baked potatoes and broccoli casserole, all delicious. (He had cooked for me previously so I had an inkling of his culinary talents.) During dinner he told me that he had purchased us tickets to see Phantom of the Opera (I had seen it in Spain - in Spanish, of course - and was interested in seeing it in English as well). We watched America's Sweethearts and ate some fruit with chocolate dipping sauce for dessert (mmm, chocolate-dipped strawberries!).

After the movie, I shared that I was struggling with not sharing my feelings with him and felt I was being selfish (since I knew the ramifications for him). He said that he had been deciding on a way to share his feelings with me. He then pulled out a paper and started reading me a list of things he liked about me. Part way in he (accidentally?) replaced "like" with "love" and my mind started freaking out. He continued his list but I had tuned out (this is a recurring theme in big moments with him, see also: marriage proposal) and was focused on my inner monologue. Oh my goodness!  He just said "love", not "like"! Does this mean he loves me?! Is he going to say it?! Oh man...! (Not direct quotes, obviously.) He finished his list and then told me he loved me. I hugged him and whispered it back because I had been tearing up during his list and was too emotional to speak properly.

Still makes me smile.

Valentine's Day 2007

This was our first Valentine's Day as a married couple. Not particularly gushy but still huge. We spent several hours in a conference room with some lawyers and another couple signing legal documents until our hands wanted to fall off. That's right, we bought our FIRST HOUSE on Valentine's Day! It wasn't really planned that way. I don't have a journal entry from this monumental occasion so I'll speculate that we spent some time freaking out at the huge life decision we had just made. We probably went out to dinner still with the "deer in headlights" look.

In front of our first house

I would love to hear about a memorable Valentine's Day of yours. Awkward, romantic, silly, sweet, cringe-worthy, whatever. Share your stories!

Admitting My Need

I have considered myself to be very independent which I thought was a pretty good thing for quite awhile. Parents all seem to want to raise kids who are self-sufficient, productive members of society. But I think you can get to a point where it's almost a source of pride that you don't really need anything from anyone. And also a lie.

My little snow island

Thinking I have gotten to where I am on my own is not true. I may have put in hard work, but I had loving, caring parents who provided for my needs, provided many opportunities and advantages that others may not receive and encouraged me throughout my life. There's no way I'd be where I am without them. And there have been quite a few people who have encouraged me and helped me and shaped who I am as I have grown up. I will never know just how much others have influenced who I have become.

More recently I have been struggling with not feeling like I have many ties to where I'm living. I've lived my whole married life away from my parents and in-laws. My husband and I thought it was a good thing early on because it allowed us to establish our relationship away from the influence of family. We were able to set a solid foundation for our new little family of two. And I do think it was beneficial to help us learn more about one another and ourselves and grow together.

As we've gotten older and added children into the family, the lack of local family support has been noticed and missed. We wish our kids would be able to spend more frequent time with their grandparents and cousins. Selfishly, we wish we had the opportunity for free babysitting.

I was reading Prayer by Richard Foster yesterday and in the chapter it talked about praying to relinquish our self-sufficiency. I realized that I do tend to operate in the mindset of self-sufficiency which isn't necessarily a good thing. I have been used to being away from family (I didn't live close to extended family as a child and have not lived near my parents since I graduated high school) but I sometimes have mistaken my experience as proof of self-sufficiency. Just because I am not able to be near them does not mean I do not need them.

Likewise, just because I do not have something does not mean it is not beneficial and something I might truly need. In an effort to combat my misguided thinking I thought it would help me to acknowledge people and relationships I do need and their benefits. Here we go.

I need my husband. Practically, he is the one who has blessed me with the opportunity to be at home with my kids. He is responsible for all of our basic necessities (thinking about it reminds me of how daunting that may feel at times for him). He does such an excellent job of providing for us. I know I could not fulfill his responsibilities. I need my husband for encouragement and support - in personal endeavors but most especially in parenting. We make a great team and our family would be sorely lacking without him. I need him for physical comfort and affection. I cherish his hugs and kisses. I need him for emotional comfort and support as well. He offers such wise advice and can see things in  situations I cannot at times.

I need my children. They made me a mother. They have caused me to do a lot of personal growing, the most extraordinary being the growing of sacrifice and service. Being responsible of the needs of others rubs on your selfishness and helps it to diminish some. I need their love, smiles, hugs, kisses and belly laughs. I need them so that I can experience life through a child's eyes and perhaps focus once again on what is important rather than all of the distractions of the world. I love seeing them learn and grow in abilities. It is amazing.

I need my family. I need the love and acceptance that is found there. (I know there are people who do not have safe families where they experience these things.) I need my encouragers who are always in my corner, always for me, always proud of me. I need the connection of shared experiences and inside jokes (even the ones that embarrass me).

I need God. He is woven in and through all of these and I know that he is for me and always with me. I love the way he reveals a little more of himself to me as I consistently draw near to him. Just last week I heard afresh the truth that God created me for him. He is constantly surprising me with little reminders of his love though I do not always recognize them. I need God to continue to work in my heart, to remove the selfishness and judgment and lack of love that can be found there. I need him to lavish his grace and forgiveness on me so that I do not despair when I am confronted with my sinfulness. I need Jesus who rescued me from death and darkness and has filled me with hope.

I need friends. Good, close friends. I was thinking today about how my kids could potentially have life-long friends. People they've known since they could walk. Neither my husband and I have friends like that. We moved several times and so our young relationships were severed and new ones created. Not that we haven't been able to establish strong relationships, just that we cannot relate to decades-long friendships (I do have a couple middle school friends I still keep in touch with and that spans nearly twenty years now but nothing earlier than that).

I feel I have struggled most in this area. I am an introvert so I yearn for a few deep relationships. Surface acquaintances do not renew or restore me. I have been blessed through the years to have found some of these relationships. My struggle is that they seem hard to maintain and my track record shows that they are usually severed when someone moves. I have accepted this as a fact of life but it doesn't make it any easier to move on and try again. I also realize some relationships have seasons.

I realized recently that sometimes I don't admit that I desire good friends. I think I pretend that it doesn't bother me that not many people reach out to me so that I won't feel as bad about it. But it is hard to do most of the initiating. Sometimes you want others to reach out so you know the friendship is important to them too. That you matter to them. We all want to be important and valuable. We want others to find us worthy of their time.

In my heart I know that God knows what I need. I know that he can provide me with amazing, honest, deep, vulnerable friendship. And I trust that he will provide me with what I need when I need it. I also think that he wants me to bring my longings to him. He wants me to seek him above people. He created me and knows what is in store for me. I trust him.

Image courtesy of tiramisustudio at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I was reminded of his love for me and the truth that he can provide friendships at any time this morning. I have been wrestling with a bit of loneliness the past couple of days. I prayed that I knew God is faithful and has the power to provide. This morning at church a woman told me that she was wanting to focus more on people this year and would like to get together sometime to talk. I knew this was God's confirmation of what I already knew to be true. I don't know whether we will actually set aside time to get together (I'd love to but, you know, life) but I won't be as bummed if there's no follow through because I have confidence in God and his faithfulness.

So that's the truth. I need people and relationships. What about you? Is there anything you try to pretend you don't need simply because you don't have it right now?

Dear Daughter: Learn From My Mistakes

Dear Daughter,

I love you so much! I know that you are only five years old as I write this but there are some things I want to remember to share with you as you get older so I thought I'd write them down now while I'm thinking about them. I pray that you choose Jesus while you are still young. I pray that you know how much God loves you and that he is trustworthy and has wonderful plans for your life. I pray that you will choose to love and honor Him with your life. I asked Jesus to be my Savior when I was 17, but I did not understand what it meant to follow him then and didn't really begin that process purposefully until I was nearly 20.

I wish I had been more secure in my knowledge of who I was in Christ and more confident in God's plans and provision for me. I struggled for several years with feeling shame at my failure and imperfection before learning that the shame and fear I felt were from Satan. God is love and perfect love casts out fear. There is no condemnation for those who belong to Jesus. I didn't fully comprehend that my first couple of years of college and believed the enemy's lies about myself. I pray that you do not also believe the enemy's lies and so I want to share some of my experiences with the hope that you might not travel some of the same roads I did.

I made a public profession of faith in Jesus and was baptized the spring of my junior year of high school. I had a friend tell me he already thought I was a Christian. I was actually really good at following the rules and acting somewhat like someone who was a Christian. I hated getting in trouble and was fine with playing the role of a "goody two shoes". It was not the outward manifestation of a heart who loved Jesus. So when I was baptized, I continued in my rule following because I didn't know that there was more to being a Christian. Perhaps someone had talked to me about how much Jesus loved me and encouraged me to deepen the relationship through prayer and reading the Bible but I don't remember. Sometimes I wonder whether I would have been more firm in standing up for what I thought if I had gotten that aspect of the relationship with Jesus while in high school.

Nothing major happened between 17 and 20 but I had some stumbles I was afraid to share for a long time because I thought it made me a bad Christian and I would be judged poorly by other Christians (and considered a hypocrite by those who didn't believe in Jesus). I allowed the physical boundaries I had set up for myself to be breached because I feared that if I stood firm I would be rejected (and I am a recovering people pleaser). At the time I did not trust that God had plans regarding my relationships and would provide me with a man who loved God and loved me enough to respect my boundaries. I sought man's approval over God's. I admit that I blamed others for taking advantage of my naivety and trust and for manipulating my emotions. I am learning to see that they are human, too, and were seeking love and acceptance like the rest of us. I understand now that they were trying to obtain that love and acceptance in the ways the world told them were right or normal. I'm not saying that there is not responsibility on all sides, I'm just saying that I don't think they were trying to purposefully hurt or take advantage of me. 

I share this with you to say that God is trustworthy and faithful. He knows what you need when you need it and will provide you with it at just the right time. This includes a loving, respectful relationship. It is important to remember that God's timing is not your timing. I know several people who dearly love Jesus and had to wait longer than they wanted to meet and marry their spouse. It is possible that you may meet your spouse in high school and college so I'm not going to say that dating during these times is fruitless but I don't think finding a spouse should be your main objective. I think you should focus on loving and serving God with your life. If you are pursuing his purposes, he will provide whatever is needed, including relationships. I believe that God will provide you with a spouse who respects you and your boundaries, one who does not put any pressure on you to prove your love for them. I believe someone who truly loves God and is pursuing Him themselves will be more concerned with increasing your intimacy with God than increasing your level of physical intimacy with one another.

Right about the time I started to understand more about what having an authentic relationship with Jesus meant, I met your father. In one of our first interactions I attempted to share my faith with him. It turned out he already knew Jesus, but it was a good start to a potential friendship. God's timing was perfect. I was seeking to know God more and was quite excited about what I was learning. As such it was a subject I brought up often and wanted to discuss with others. In our first few months of getting to know each other I was praying a lot more and seeking God's guidance. We were friends for about eight months (part of that time I was dating someone else, the rest was spent trying not to begin a dating relationship with your father before I studied abroad for a semester). Our first four months of "dating" were spent on pay phones using international calling cards and long emails filled with questions about one another. As hard as it sounds not having any physical contact for months, it was such a blessing. I feel like we were really able to spend that time focusing on our individual relationships with God and encouraging one another in our faiths. It helped secure our relationship to God, I think. Our dating relationship wasn't perfect (obviously since there was a break-up along the way - another story for another day) but I know God was in it with us and helped us become people who encouraged, supported, loved and were committed to one another. That's what I want for you - a spouse who loves you and God, supports you, encourages you in your endeavors and faith and is committed to you and your relationship together.

My precious girl, you are worth the wait. You are worth a commitment of love and faithfulness. You are worthy of a spouse who loves you and respects you and encourages you to become the woman God created you to be. You are lovable just as you are and there is nothing you must do to earn or be worthy of another's love. Jesus loved us before we loved and knew him. He found us worthy of love and sacrifice simply because we are God's creation. If Christ's love has no demands, then neither should man's. Love is something that is to be freely given without expectation or demand for reciprocation. Remember that God loves you no matter what and that your father and I will also always love you. You cannot lose God's love nor ours. It is yours regardless of your words, thoughts or actions. We love you and desire God's best for you and your life. We are proud of you and we pray that you will grow into the woman you were created to be, a woman who loves and serves God and others.

Love, Mom

Forgiveness and Love

This year there has been one section of scripture that I have continued to return to when evaluating my life. It is Matthew 22:34-40.

 Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"

Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these to commandments."

To make it easier to remember, it can be summed up as this: Love God. Love people. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially the "love people" part. I can be very task oriented at times which does not always leave room for people. However, I do desire to be more willing to exchange my agenda for God's, which usually is about loving and caring for others.

Recently there was a Sunday sermon about forgiving others. I recognized that I held a few small grudges against people, fairly insignificant things that wouldn't be very difficult to let go of and move forward. I don't feel like I have received large injuries from other people that might require more wrestling and struggling to forgive.

This thought led me to think of a friend of mine who is having serious relationship issues. They are currently enduring emotional pain and struggle. I realized that I held anger toward the spouse. I was thinking about my friend and felt sad that they are hurting and have limited control over the circumstances. I wanted to have someone to blame for the pain, hurt and mess and the spouse seemed like the obvious choice. Realizing these feelings I asked God to show me how I could love both people in this situation.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

God reminded me that the spouse is human, just like me. They make mistakes and poor choices that hurt others at times, just like me. They are probably hurt, confused, and frustrated themselves right now, just like my friend. They probably do not want to cause pain to their spouse. They desire the same things we all desire - to be loved, known and accepted. The spouse is worthy of love and respect, just like me. They are deeply loved by God, just like me. God desires to show them grace just as he has shown me grace.

God also reminded me that my friend's spouse is not really the enemy. Satan is the true enemy, the father of lies. With this knowledge, I ought to be praying for both my friend and their spouse. I need to pray for the truth to be spoken into this situation and into both of their lives. I need to pray for supernatural healing and restoration. Because of Jesus there is hope that this situation can be redeemed.

My heart is being softened and I'm learning that it is possible (though definitely not always easy or natural) to show grace and love even in difficult situations. Of course, so far the offenses against me have been minor and not very life altering or affecting. I have a strong suspicion that more grievous offenses require greater amounts of God's power to love and forgive and extend grace.

Earlier this week I learned that someone I went to high school with appears to also be struggling in their relationship. The person wasn't always the kindest to me so my first reaction was tinged with a bit of gladness at their misfortune. I was surprised at my callous reaction and realized it meant I still held some unforgiveness after all of these years. I asked God to help me to see this person through eyes of love and grace. This person also wants what we all want - love, companionship, acceptance. So I prayed that they would receive these things. I prayed that they would know that Jesus loves them and can comfort and help them during this difficult time.

I am so thankful that God is changing my heart toward others. I know that loving God and people will take my whole life to master but I desperately want to get better at both. It definitely is painful at times to learn how I am falling short in these areas but I know that it is necessary for change and growth.

Image courtesy of graur razvanionut at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

For the Love!

The book I have read multiple times and have been gushing about to anyone who will listen is finally, officially available for public purchase and reading! Of course, if you were in Barnes & Noble on August 1st you may have noticed the book already on their shelves. I wonder if one of the higher-ups read it and thought, "This is too good to keep in boxes until the 18th!"

Anyway.

For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards by Jen Hatmaker released today. I have already read it three times and know there will be a fourth reading very soon (I like it so much I want others to read it too so I am co-leading a group study of it in a few weeks at my church. I am sooo excited!). I cannot wait to hear what others think. In the meantime, I'll share a little of my experience with the book..

The first chapter, "Worst Beam Ever" is sooo amazing! After reading it, the phrase "Off the beam!" is now permanently in my vocabulary. I have felt freedom from striving for perfection and been released to just be me. This chapter talks about not concerning ourselves with doing it all but to decide what is most important to us in this season, what is necessary for ourselves and families, what adds value to our lives, and say "no" to the extras that steal our time and our joy. After reading it, I immediately implemented it by choosing not to have party favors at my child's upcoming birthday party. It's a small thing, but it was one less thing to have to think about or spend time on. I doubt anyone missed them either.

Here's a quote from the chapter:

We combine the best of everything we see, every woman we admire in every genre, and conclude: I should be all of that. It is certifiably insane. The only thing worse than this unattainable standard is the guilt that follows when perfection proves impossible. p.3

I could probably summarize each chapter for you but that would ruin your experience. Let's just say that there are many wonderful chapters that contain wisdom and freedom to be who God created you to be.

There are also some chapters that provide a type of comic relief (but still have truth in them). There are some titled "Thank You Notes" similar to Jimmy Fallon's segment on The Tonight Show. One of my favorites:

Thank you, Maxi Dresses, for helping me appear dressed up, as though I really made an effort, but making me feel as if I'm wearing a nightgown out in public. You are basically crotchless yoga pants, and I salute you. p.50

As if that were not enough from this amazing book (which I describe to others as being like potpourri - a little bit of everything), there are also some recipes to help sharpen your skills and invite other people over to grow relationships. I made the Beef Bourguignon which was delicious and very rich. I also made the Pad Thai and agree with Jen wholeheartedly that fish sauce stinks when cooked and permeates the entire house, but it did help create another oh-so-tasty dish. My family actually did share both of these meals with friends and had a great time!

This book really does have a little bit of everything. It offers encouragement, truth in love, humor, sympathy, wisdom, fashion advice, parenting comfort and frank talk about real issues. It is a book you could read once a year (or more frequently) and find things to apply to grow in your spiritual and personal relationships. I highly recommend this book and would love to hear your thoughts after you've read it. For the love, just go buy it already! 

You're still reading? Well, I have news for you! I'm giving away a copy of this awesome book to one reader! All you have to do is comment below and tell me if you're familiar with Jen Hatmaker and, if so, how (have you read a previous book, seen her on HGTV, follow her blog?). I would also appreciate it if you'd let me know how you found this post. You can enter until 11:59 p.m. on Thursday the 20th. I'll announce the winner on Friday, August 21st. (If you can't post a comment for some reason, please send me an email at mybyrdlife @ gmail dot com). Thanks!

***The winner of the book (chosen randomly by my 2yo) is "John, Elizabeth, and Grace"! Congratulations! I will get the book to you shortly.***

Love Like a River

This morning I heard a song by Third Day that had the lyrics, "Your love is like a river flowing through my heart."  I pictured a river in my mind and it looked like a babbling brook. I was going hiking to see waterfalls later in the morning and thought I'd see some small rivers and streams along the way. 

The appropriately named Little River taken on my hike

I then remembered that, in the Bible, Paul says, "I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God" in Ephesians 3:17-19. 

It does not sound to me like God's love is a small, shallow brook where you can see the bottom and wade into the middle without getting your knees wet. I tried to think about larger rivers I've seen and the Missouri River from when I lived in St. Joseph came to mind. It is very wide and deep. You would get carried away if you tried to swim in it. I did a little research and found that the Missouri River is the longest river in North America, flowing 2,341 miles before it enters the Mississippi River near St. Louis. Its basin is 529,350 square miles which sounds like it contains a lot of water.

Image captured by Linda Gordon Rokosz

Imagining God's love like the Missouri River sounds much more accurate. It is too big to see all of it at once. It is much too deep to stand in. It is so powerful that it will drag me in and whisk me along with it. I probably couldn't get out of it in my own power. This image was a better help for me to understand the enormity of God's love. 

Later in the song it says "Your love is like a rock that I am standing on." I acknowledged to myself that normally I would probably picture a rock about my size but should probably be imagining a mountain, strong, unmovable, and towering.

Through this imagery my heart revealed that I have a tendency to limit God. I keep him confined to what I can imagine instead of relying on the truth that says "Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen" (Ephesians 3:20-21). It now makes sense that these verses follow the ones previously mentioned. Once we realize that God is bigger than we think he is, we can acknowledge that he can do much more than our minds can comprehend and remember that his plans are for his glory to be made known in and through us. 

Trusting God's Timing

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you are probably aware that I have desired a mentor in my life to help encourage me in my various roles and to offer wisdom when needed (if you're new check out this post and this post for details). There was a woman who filled this role for me when my daughter was young. I've been without a mentor for about three years now and have prayed for an older women to be interested in encouraging me in my journey for about as long.

Image courtesy of nenetus at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The first experience was so positive and encouraging to me and has kept the desire for another relationship like this alive in my heart and mind. I do understand that the experience will not be the same due to a number of factors - I have changed in three years (though I'm still a SAHM with littles) and it would be a different person with different experiences and a different relationship with me - but the core of the experience should still be there (a woman further along life's journey who is genuinely interested in me and my life and is willing to challenge me in various areas of my life).

Last week I met with a woman who said that she was interested in being a mentor-type influence for me. It was a welcome surprise to hear her say this. I already felt comfortable enough with her to share without fear but my introverted nature desired this official permission to share all areas of my life - successes, struggles, questions. I'm so used to doing most of the listening in my relationships that it is so freeing and energizing to be invited to share myself. When someone seems truly interested in hearing what's going on with me I feel loved and supported.

The meeting was quite timely. There was a lot going on with me and I received encouragement and wisdom from this woman. I absolutely believe that this was God's answer to my prayer and that he set up the timing of this meeting and has been preparing our hearts for a deeper connection with one another. I am excited to see what God does in and through this relationship. He is so faithful!

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose...under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1

Do Small Things With Great Love

Not all of us can do great things but we can do small things with great love. 

-Mother Teresa

This winter/spring of 2015 I read Interrupted: When Jesus Wrecks Your Comfortable Christianity by Jen Hatmaker with a small group of women. I must say that I thoroughly enjoy reading and discussing a book with other people. It is so interesting to learn which parts impacted each person. It amazes me that each of us were impacted by a different part of the same book.

Early on in the reading I felt that the book had the capacity to change how I live as a Christian (which I suspected might be the case by the title when I first considered reading it). I did feel like my Christianity was comfortable and thought that it could be something better than that. My prayer for the study became that the book would not simply be another "good book" I once read, a book that had no affect on me, but rather would challenge me to change some aspect of how I understand Jesus and/or how I live as a Christ-follower. I sought to find truth that I could apply to my life.

The book is an unfolding of the story of how Jen and Brandon Hatmaker felt God calling them to something different and new which ultimately led to the launch of Austin New Church. There is truth, inspiration and encouragement to be found within the pages of Interrupted. If you are seeking a new perspective on your faith or a reminder that God is trustworthy and loving and his timing is perfect, read this book.

As a stay-at-home mom, I have often felt like I have to wait for my kids to get older and more independent so that I can then begin a ministry of serving God with my gifts and abilities. That's not true at all! God has given me opportunities to serve and use my gifts right now, right where I am in my life stage. I just need to reshape my definition of ministry.

My first opportunity is, of course, to serve my family, to love my husband and children, to teach my children about loving and serving God - some through conversation but mostly through my example (this has become increasingly obvious as of late, as you may know if you read my previous post about a personal parenting fail). I can serve my neighbors by showing kindness and taking advantage of opportunities presented to me - preparing and delivering meals, watching pets, hosting play dates, offering free babysitting, listening to others and praying for them. I can write letters to others and use my gifts of encouragement and words without taking away from my responsibilities and duties to my family. God can use me right now in this current stage of my life and will be able to use me in some additional ways as my kids do eventually get older and become more independent.

I know that none of these seem like extraordinary activities. I don't expect to receive accolades or a well-known name from these small acts of kindness but I do find satisfaction in knowing that I am taking advantage of everyday opportunities to help those around me. And perhaps, if I am faithful in these small things, I will be ready and prepared for larger opportunities that may come.

"The kingdom advances in our small neighborhoods and small acts of love and small moments of faithfulness and small feats of courage." -Jen Hatmaker, Interrupted

Love and Good Books

Over the past couple of years, I have been desiring to live a life that is obedient to God and reflects the love and life of Christ. I have struggled with what that looks like and am slowly gaining understanding (and hopefully also beginning application of my understanding). In my search, I keep seeing and hearing the same pieces of scripture. 

The first section is found in Matthew 22. An expert in the law asked Jesus, "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" (v.36). I feel like that's what I've been asking God. What is the most important thing to be doing as a Christian?

Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ' Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." (vs.37-40)

And there I have it. All of life can be boiled down to this: Love God. Love others. It sounds so simple and yet it is quite challenging. Love requires sacrifice and vulnerability and openness and second chances and time and resources. Love is not always convenient or easy or fun. But love is good and right and freeing 

I recently read something Jen Hatmaker had to say about loving our neighbor as ourselves. I hadn't really thought about the truth she shared but it definitely resonated with me. In her new book, For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards, she writes:

When Jesus said to "love your neighbor as yourself," I don't think He meant judgmentally; but that is exactly how we treat our own souls, so it bleeds out to others...We "love" people the way we "love" ourselves, and if we are not good enough, then no one is.

 You can only love and accept others as much as you yourself feel loved and accepted. You can't give what you don't have. In order to love others better, I must pursue God and let him fill me up with his love to pour out to others.

The other verse that has been written on my heart this past year is Micah 6:8: He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Throughout scripture we are implored to love and care for orphans and widows and the poor and disenfranchised. We are to champion the causes of the powerless, the weak, the hopeless. I feel like Micah 6:8 is encouraging us to seek to do right by and for these people groups. They are people God loves and desires to see cared for and loved tangibly here on earth.

I am still trying to figure out what that looks like expressed in my life. I am seeking opportunities to help others in addition to caring for my family. God is faithfully providing avenues to be of service while I try to see if I might have a larger, more consistent role in caring for others (right now having young children at home makes it tough to commit regular or large quantities of time to outside things).

I'm reading Interrupted: When Jesus Wrecks Your Comfortable Christianity (Also by Jen Hatmaker - I highly recommend reading her books. I've only read these two but I'm sure they're all fabulous and challenging.) which speaks a lot to this subject. I really don't want it to become one of those "good books I read" that had no actual impact on my life. I want my life to be different because of the things I learned in the book. The way God is working, I think it will.

In my mind all of this is related. Love God. Love others. Act justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly. You know who this sounds like? Jesus.

Out in August. Pre-order at Amazon or B&N!

Breaking Out of the Christian Bubble

I am reading the book Interrupted: When Jesus Wrecks Your Comfortable Christianity by Jen Hatmaker with a group of women. We had our first meeting last night to discuss the first section in the book. I am already looking forward to future discussions.

One of the things that really stuck out to me from the book was when Jen talked about how she spent most of her time blessing blessed people and serving the saved. She's essentially talking about the Christian bubble. I know that I spend the majority of my time with like-minded people in terms of God.

My daughter in her own little bubble

I don't think that it's bad to spend time with other Christians. It's a great way to find encouragement and support. However, if every person I am with already loves and serves God then how am I fulfilling Jesus' desire for us to love the lost, hurt, disenfranchised, etc?

I am a SAHM so the best place for me to find such people would be through my kids - preschool, activities, play groups, playgrounds and play places. With the statistic that 85% of the people/families in the area do not attend church it shouldn't be too hard to find people who do not already have a strong relationship with Jesus.

I have several hang ups in pursuing others in this manner. First, I am more of an introvert. I don't usually strike up conversations with strangers. I'm sure if I felt compelled or a strong urging I could do it occasionally, but it's definitely not my strong suit (though I have recently found that God has been asking me to do things that are more of a weakness so that he can be the strength I need to achieve the goal). Probably at worst, the person would ignore me which is only a little awkward. At best, I might make a new friend. I think the awkwardness is probably worth the effort.

A second reservation is that it seems like I already am not able to spend enough time with all of the people in my life I'd like to spend time with. There are so many amazing people and I would love to get to know them all better and be more involved in their lives. As it is, the person I consider my best friend I have to schedule a decent ways in advance and we get to spend quality time together once or twice a month. Not that my schedule is packed with these kinds of meetings. There are, of course, family responsibilities - kid activities, cleaning, laundry, cooking, errands, family activities, etc - that require the majority of my time.

The thought of trying to cram one more thing into my schedule is a little overwhelming. I have considered scaling back and seeking God's leading for activities and meetings. Most of my current things are good things, but too many good things doesn't necessarily mean better or best. So while less does not necessarily appeal to me, it may be what I need in this season. Perhaps less trying to connect with everyone and seeking God's leading for the most important things. Maybe I should be like Jen and figure out who "my people" are. Then maybe there will be room for the important work of loving and serving those who don't know Jesus or have a thriving relationship with him (which, in the end, may not really feel like work).

A third thing that causes me to pause when considering reaching out to people who may not know Jesus is the thought that I will not be able to give satisfying answers to questions they may have. I love God and know that he exists. A large part of my belief comes from personal experience. My faith does not come from receiving a logical and/or scientific explanation for all my objections. I still have questions without answers.

I know that there are many intellectual people out there who want these kinds of reasoning and logic to help them make a decision for or against God. I had a good friend in college who was this way. I felt quite inadequate in my ability to provide a compelling case for my beliefs. In the end, God used my contributions of love and acceptance for his purposes.

I ought to remember this experience that illustrates well that it is not me who will cause another's belief. It will ultimately be God working in a person's heart and that person's own encounters with God. My role is to live what I believe and be open to sharing my experiences with others. The rest is up to God.

And perhaps that is how I ought to live each day - open to encounters God may have for me. Choosing to be open to anything and not staying doggedly focused on my own agenda or to do list. To trust that seeking God will help me to choose what is needed. What is better.