The Word of the Year

  The beginning of a new year is often a flurry of activity for many people: resolutions and goals, reflecting on the past year, planning out the year ahead. In the past several years I have become aware of a large segment of people having a word of the year - a word that tells what they hope the year will bring, perhaps something to remind them of their focus and goals. It seems to have brought meaning to a lot of people.

  This year I thought it would be neat to have a word and see how it applies to my life throughout the year. Last year I felt God was asking me to TRUST and REST and so I was learning to live in those two words, though it wasn't something I set about working on.

  I don't really know how most people choose a word. I pondered something that would encompass an area I desired to grow in. At first I thought BELOVED would be good so that I could learn to be secure in the identity I have in Christ. I was praying about it in the early hours of the new year as I was trying to fall asleep. The word TRUTH stood out in my mind. It doesn't seem like a typical word - there's no real action to be taken (like COURAGE or BRAVE or UNSTOPPABLE). It seems kind of "eh". So I prayed God, is this what you'd like me to focus on this year? Is this my focus for the year - truth? And I think it is.

  I am quickly warming up to the word TRUTH. I am looking forward to studying the word, mainly in scripture. I know that God's word is truth. Jesus says that he is the truth. I am looking forward to really digging into truth. I know our society likes to say that truth is relative, that there is no absolute truth, that each person makes their own truth. I don't really agree with that so I am excited to set down some truth for me to anchor myself to and have firm footing.

  In addition to studying TRUTH in scripture, I think I am also supposed to work on speaking TRUTH (in love, of course). I have been a people pleaser for years, the underlying fear being rejection. I have been learning that I have an everlasting love in Christ so I do not need to fear being rejected by people. I will always be loved and accepted and valued in Jesus. So I would like to be more true to myself - honest about my thoughts, likes, dislikes, desires. I don't want to temper enthusiasm for fear of the buzz kills out there. I want to be able to express joy and disappointment and anticipation and not worry about what others may think or say.

  I am excited for the year ahead and excited to see what is in store. I know many people also choose a Bible verse for their year. I wonder if it's related to their word. It's probably a hope or reminder as well. I would like to do this, but I think I will wait for one to emerge from my study of truth in scripture.

Do you have a special word or verse for 2017? I'd love to hear what it is!

Determining My Worth

  As a type A person, I am all about getting things done. I constantly have a to-do list I'm working toward crossing off. I feel like I'm being productive and wise with my time if I am doing something. However, I have been learning that the enemy likes to use busyness to keep us from being effective in loving and serving others. We think we're doing good things, but I often find that if my focus is on my to-do list then I am not making time to connect or interact with others. At the end of the day I may have cleaned the house, but I didn't have any meaningful relational interactions with friends and family.

  I have been trying to scale back on activities so that there is plenty of room for spontaneity or interruptions of my plans. I want to be able to answer a phone call or text from a friend or sit down and read a book or play Legos with my kids without it feeling like a disruption to my day. It's certainly not a poor use of my time even though the enemy tries to make me think so.

  This morning while journaling during my quiet time with God, the following statement emerged:

Your worth is not determined by your performance.

It struck me and made me pause in my journaling time. This is a truth I struggle with often. I know in my mind that I am loved regardless of my behavior. I am loved just because I am a creation of God's. But often times my behavior does not reflect this truth. I can get caught up in trying to do things to please God, or perhaps be worthy of his love and grace. I don't need to. I cannot be loved more or less than I already am. I can stop trying to impress God or other people.

  I know some of my efforts are to prove to others that I am a good Christian, whatever that means. It feels like there's an invisible bar I'm trying to reach in order to win the favor of others. This is impossible and yet another trap of the devil. He wants me to be endlessly striving, wearing myself out trying to achieve something that is unachievable. Nothing I do can every make every single person like me or approve of me. There will always be people who choose to judge me negatively. I cannot control others' perceptions of me. What I can do is rest in the knowledge that I am already loved and approved by the one who made me and knows me most intimately.

Am I now seeking the approval of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.          

 ~Galatians 1:10 

A Letter to My 18-Year-Old Self

Dear Eighteen-Year-Old Me,

Hello there! It's me, your 33-year-old self. It's been nearly sixteen years since you graduated high school and began preparing for college life. I know you are very excited to see what the next chapter of life would hold. I'm sure you are a little nervous venturing out on your own, especially knowing your parents will be 10+ hours away. Of course, you have been somewhat prepared for this having spent the majority of your summers away from your parents visiting relatives. It's just one more new adventure!

I know that you are not sure what you should study but have signed up for the engineering track at the suggestion of your parents. You will end up taking many more math and science classes than you end up needing for graduation when you finally find majors that best suit your wiring, but there will be a big upside to having taken engineering classes (specifically Statistics for Engineers). You don't know it yet, but that class will profoundly and positively impact your life.

If I could truly go back and offer you some advice before you begin your time at N.C. State (which you love, by the way), here is a part of what I would want to say.

Just because someone shows interest in dating you, it doesn't mean that's a relationship you need to pursue. I know you've only really dated one person thus far but not all relationships will be as positive and healthy as that one was. You need to work on deepening your relationship with Jesus and seeking him. God loves you dearly. He has a purpose for you that he will fulfill. Whether or not you end up with a spouse, God's plans will be better than anything you can imagine. If you have the desire for a husband, give it to him in prayer and trust him to provide in his timing. God is faithful and trustworthy.

Marriage is supposed to be a reflection of Christ and his church. Any dating relationship you have should be characterized by respect, love, grace and selflessness (from both of you). Here are a few questions you may want to ask yourself when considering a dating relationship. Does he love God? Does he attend church? Pray and read his Bible regularly? Is he involved in a Christian group, Bible study or other activity to deepen his relationship with Christ? (Experience will tell you that behavior is the best indicator of what someone believes.) Does he treat you with respect? Does he listen to and value your opinion? Does he try to push physical boundaries? Does he desire to see you grow and succeed? Will he encourage you in your relationship with Christ?

It is very important for you to answer the questions asked above about yourself. You are young in your faith and have a lot of growing to do. If you seek to grow closer to God and join activities that will encourage you in this way, you will flourish. Ask God to help you find these things. He will provide some amazing friends, connections and experiences.

I know that I cannot go back and change what you will experience, but I hope that what you learn can help other young women as they prepare for their own college career. To that extent, I wrote a book for college-age women (info below). I hope that they will learn from your experiences and avoid some of your mistakes. I have some sorrow and regret over choices made during college but, praise God, he has brought good from it!

Don't worry, you will have a fabulous time and meet some great people that you will still keep up with when you're my age (mostly thanks to the invention of Facebook that is not yet an idea in Mark Z's head). Your mistakes will not be fatal. You will learn, grow and change. You will become much more confident and self-assured as you age. You will also acquire a lot more responsibility so enjoy your relatively tether-free time in college!

Love,
Thirty-three-year-old Me

Between Us Girls: Navigating College Life as a Christian Woman

Will you head off to college soon? Or perhaps you've already started at a university and found the going a little rough? Have you prepared yourself for all that you may experience, both on-campus and off? Do you know how to strengthen your faith and locate resources to help draw you closer to God? Between Us Girls: Navigating College Life as a Christian Woman can help you prepare for campus life. In this book, you'll learn about... 

• Strengthening your relationship with God
• The importance of finding a Christian group on campus 
• The different types of guys you will encounter 
• What to do if you mess up 
• Potential stumbling blocks to your faith and your relationships 
• Straight talk about sex 

Through reading candid, real-life stories and advice from Christian women about their time at college, you'll discover that you're not the only one facing challenges and struggles on campus. Even more importantly, you'll learn about great opportunities for redemption, success, and a rich adventure with God.


If you are interested in obtaining a copy of Between Us Girls: Navigating College Life as a Christian Woman, please email me at  mybyrdlife at gmail.com. Copies are $10 each. Shipping is $3 (free if you're local and we can meet in person). Thanks!

Confessions of a Recovering People Pleaser

I have struggled for a long time with being a people pleaser. In recent years I have acknowledged this tendency and have tried to care less about what others might think of me.

As a Christ-follower I am loved and accepted unconditionally by God. I do not have to think, speak or perform a certain way to receive love and grace and favor. God loves me as much know as he ever has and ever will. He delights in me and continues to pursue my heart. He knows the depth and breadth of my potential and seeks to help me reach it. He is always for me, always with me, always on my side. What have I done to deserve such lavish love? Nothing. He offers it to me for free through Jesus simply because I am his creation. Who could want or need more than that?

But do I often live as this cherished beloved? No. Often I have striven to achieve the favor and acceptance of my fellow human. It's not hard to see why. People are everywhere, more than ready to offer their thoughts and judgments, reigning favor on whomever pleases them at that moment. It reminds me of the children's story, You Are Special, by Max Lucado. I have read it quite a few times to my daughter and have choked up on more than one occasion at the reminder that I am God's and it doesn't matter what other people think or say about me, what matters - and what is true - is what God says about me.

I just finished Sheila Walsh's book The Longing in Me: How Everything You Crave Leads to the Heart of God. At the end of the first chapter she invited the reader to write the following phrase on a card and stick it somewhere where it can be seen daily in order to become imbedded into the heart:

The God who created me has chosen me as His beautifully loved daughter. Because of that I can take other rejections in stride.

I so desperately want to live that phrase. I want my heart and actions to be focused on living as I have been created, knowing that I will be criticized but that God is always for me and will be my defense and my redeemer.

I recently reviewed my past and remembered some specific instances when I acted in a certain way in order to seek the favor of people even though I didn't necessarily agree or feel confident about it. No one specifically said that they would be disappointed or I would be rejected, but at the moment of decision I felt that choosing wrong would lead to rejection and, at the time, I cared more about acceptance than being true to myself. Perhaps reminding myself of these will help me to be true to myself in the future. Though, true to his nature, God has brought good from many of these experiences.

In the middle of seventh grade I moved to a new state and started in a new middle school (the worst). Someone asked me if I liked 501 jeans. I did not care much about clothing brands then (or now, really) so I assumed it was the cool brand. I said "yes" and then the person said, "That means you like (some boy in the class)." The person then teased me about liking someone I didn't even know. In retrospect, there probably wasn't a right answer to the question that would have spared me being teased. (I realized while writing this that I did start trying to dress more like who I thought were the cool kids over the next few years in hopes of fitting in more.)

In eighth grade homeroom one of the girls called me "Beast" one day when she realized that I had not yet started shaving my legs (I have blond hair so it's not really noticeable). That afternoon I went home and asked my mom to show me how to shave my legs. It wasn't really necessary but I didn't want to experience that rejection and ridicule again if I could help it. I bet it was just a one-time comment that she never thought about again but obviously it affected me as I still remember it 20 years later. I hope these experiences as "the new girl" have helped me to be more compassionate toward other newcomers I meet.

In high school a girl asked me if I believed in God. I did (I had not yet made a profession of faith) but I wasn't sure what she thought about faith and didn't want to be rejected so I said that I wasn't sure. Who knows what would have happened if I had been honest? Perhaps she would have asked me more about God. I doubt she would have shunned me but I still didn't feel completely accepted in my new school. (Feeling bad about not standing up for my belief in God ended up being a catalyst in seeking to learn more about God to determine what I really did believe which led to baptism.)

When I was applying to college I wasn't really sure what I wanted to study. My parents thought I should go into engineering since I was good at math and science and it was a field looking for more women. I moved forward in that major since I wanted to please my parents and didn't have anything strong in mind. In this case, I think it was beneficial to me. It wasn't going against any actual beliefs or thoughts. It may have helped my admissions acceptance having the label of "female engineering student". I eventually discovered that I much preferred psychology and it only required an extra semester of school (and more math and science classes completed than required for my official major, perhaps a negative of not going in undeclared). I also met my future husband in one of my engineering classes my last semester in that major (definitely a major benefit!).



I'm sure there are many more instances when I sought to please others rather than be honest in who I was or what I thought. I'm sure many of you can think of your own experiences. If you are brave enough to share, I'd love to hear them and be reminded that I'm not alone.

Here In My Struggle

A week or so ago I admitted that I am in need of community. I feel like I have made efforts toward this goal off and on for quite some time. I have managed to have small communities - mom groups, tennis team, small groups, Bible studies - but they have all been for short seasons. I have not managed to hold on to a group where I really feel known and wanted for any real length of time. This does not suit my temperament. I am fiercely loyal, which can cause me to hold on to relationships longer than I'm supposed to, and thrive on deep relationships, which are not built overnight and probably another reason I try to hold on to the ones I've built even if the season has passed. It is a bit disheartening when one of these relationship ends (you could call them a best-friend type relationship) because there has been a lot of time and effort and vulnerability and courage poured into it. The thought of starting all over again is daunting and a little frightening. You never truly know if someone is safe for your truth until you offer it.

Anyway, I have been feeling lonely and a little discouraged lately and have been trying to figure out the reason for this current season. I believe that God has a purpose in this but am not sure what it is. This month I have been making plans with others to get together and work on forging stronger, deeper relationships and nearly all of them have had to be cancelled or rescheduled for a variety of reasons. I am thinking that God is behind it.

What is going on God? Are you trying to tell me something? Do I not really need community? Or am I trying to use community to fill something in me that only you can fill? Are you trying to show me that you are enough, that you are all that I truly need? Do I not think that you are enough for me? Are you trying to get me to dig in deeper with you, to seek you more, to become immersed in your word more? Do I need to grow in my intimacy with you? With my spouse? Do I need to be more open with my husband about feelings and struggles and needs? I feel like you and he are the only two relationships that consistently remain right now. I have a couple of meet ups scheduled the next two days and I feel like they are going to be cancelled too unless I can figure out what you're trying to say. And I know it's not some great mystery that is difficult to uncover because you enjoy my struggle. There is a holy purpose and I know I will learn it at the right time. Help me to trust you, your plans and your timing. Show me what I am missing. Give me wisdom and clarity. May your purpose be made clear and may you be glorified. Amen.

Forgiveness and Love

This year there has been one section of scripture that I have continued to return to when evaluating my life. It is Matthew 22:34-40.

 Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"

Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these to commandments."

To make it easier to remember, it can be summed up as this: Love God. Love people. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially the "love people" part. I can be very task oriented at times which does not always leave room for people. However, I do desire to be more willing to exchange my agenda for God's, which usually is about loving and caring for others.

Recently there was a Sunday sermon about forgiving others. I recognized that I held a few small grudges against people, fairly insignificant things that wouldn't be very difficult to let go of and move forward. I don't feel like I have received large injuries from other people that might require more wrestling and struggling to forgive.

This thought led me to think of a friend of mine who is having serious relationship issues. They are currently enduring emotional pain and struggle. I realized that I held anger toward the spouse. I was thinking about my friend and felt sad that they are hurting and have limited control over the circumstances. I wanted to have someone to blame for the pain, hurt and mess and the spouse seemed like the obvious choice. Realizing these feelings I asked God to show me how I could love both people in this situation.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

God reminded me that the spouse is human, just like me. They make mistakes and poor choices that hurt others at times, just like me. They are probably hurt, confused, and frustrated themselves right now, just like my friend. They probably do not want to cause pain to their spouse. They desire the same things we all desire - to be loved, known and accepted. The spouse is worthy of love and respect, just like me. They are deeply loved by God, just like me. God desires to show them grace just as he has shown me grace.

God also reminded me that my friend's spouse is not really the enemy. Satan is the true enemy, the father of lies. With this knowledge, I ought to be praying for both my friend and their spouse. I need to pray for the truth to be spoken into this situation and into both of their lives. I need to pray for supernatural healing and restoration. Because of Jesus there is hope that this situation can be redeemed.

My heart is being softened and I'm learning that it is possible (though definitely not always easy or natural) to show grace and love even in difficult situations. Of course, so far the offenses against me have been minor and not very life altering or affecting. I have a strong suspicion that more grievous offenses require greater amounts of God's power to love and forgive and extend grace.

Earlier this week I learned that someone I went to high school with appears to also be struggling in their relationship. The person wasn't always the kindest to me so my first reaction was tinged with a bit of gladness at their misfortune. I was surprised at my callous reaction and realized it meant I still held some unforgiveness after all of these years. I asked God to help me to see this person through eyes of love and grace. This person also wants what we all want - love, companionship, acceptance. So I prayed that they would receive these things. I prayed that they would know that Jesus loves them and can comfort and help them during this difficult time.

I am so thankful that God is changing my heart toward others. I know that loving God and people will take my whole life to master but I desperately want to get better at both. It definitely is painful at times to learn how I am falling short in these areas but I know that it is necessary for change and growth.

Image courtesy of graur razvanionut at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

For the Love!

The book I have read multiple times and have been gushing about to anyone who will listen is finally, officially available for public purchase and reading! Of course, if you were in Barnes & Noble on August 1st you may have noticed the book already on their shelves. I wonder if one of the higher-ups read it and thought, "This is too good to keep in boxes until the 18th!"

Anyway.

For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards by Jen Hatmaker released today. I have already read it three times and know there will be a fourth reading very soon (I like it so much I want others to read it too so I am co-leading a group study of it in a few weeks at my church. I am sooo excited!). I cannot wait to hear what others think. In the meantime, I'll share a little of my experience with the book..

The first chapter, "Worst Beam Ever" is sooo amazing! After reading it, the phrase "Off the beam!" is now permanently in my vocabulary. I have felt freedom from striving for perfection and been released to just be me. This chapter talks about not concerning ourselves with doing it all but to decide what is most important to us in this season, what is necessary for ourselves and families, what adds value to our lives, and say "no" to the extras that steal our time and our joy. After reading it, I immediately implemented it by choosing not to have party favors at my child's upcoming birthday party. It's a small thing, but it was one less thing to have to think about or spend time on. I doubt anyone missed them either.

Here's a quote from the chapter:

We combine the best of everything we see, every woman we admire in every genre, and conclude: I should be all of that. It is certifiably insane. The only thing worse than this unattainable standard is the guilt that follows when perfection proves impossible. p.3

I could probably summarize each chapter for you but that would ruin your experience. Let's just say that there are many wonderful chapters that contain wisdom and freedom to be who God created you to be.

There are also some chapters that provide a type of comic relief (but still have truth in them). There are some titled "Thank You Notes" similar to Jimmy Fallon's segment on The Tonight Show. One of my favorites:

Thank you, Maxi Dresses, for helping me appear dressed up, as though I really made an effort, but making me feel as if I'm wearing a nightgown out in public. You are basically crotchless yoga pants, and I salute you. p.50

As if that were not enough from this amazing book (which I describe to others as being like potpourri - a little bit of everything), there are also some recipes to help sharpen your skills and invite other people over to grow relationships. I made the Beef Bourguignon which was delicious and very rich. I also made the Pad Thai and agree with Jen wholeheartedly that fish sauce stinks when cooked and permeates the entire house, but it did help create another oh-so-tasty dish. My family actually did share both of these meals with friends and had a great time!

This book really does have a little bit of everything. It offers encouragement, truth in love, humor, sympathy, wisdom, fashion advice, parenting comfort and frank talk about real issues. It is a book you could read once a year (or more frequently) and find things to apply to grow in your spiritual and personal relationships. I highly recommend this book and would love to hear your thoughts after you've read it. For the love, just go buy it already! 

You're still reading? Well, I have news for you! I'm giving away a copy of this awesome book to one reader! All you have to do is comment below and tell me if you're familiar with Jen Hatmaker and, if so, how (have you read a previous book, seen her on HGTV, follow her blog?). I would also appreciate it if you'd let me know how you found this post. You can enter until 11:59 p.m. on Thursday the 20th. I'll announce the winner on Friday, August 21st. (If you can't post a comment for some reason, please send me an email at mybyrdlife @ gmail dot com). Thanks!

***The winner of the book (chosen randomly by my 2yo) is "John, Elizabeth, and Grace"! Congratulations! I will get the book to you shortly.***

Is Jesus Enough?

Here's a follow up from my last post.

01-11-14

Dear God,

 I think you are finally getting through to me. My mind keeps harping on this best friend thing. Why do I want one? Because I want to be known intimately. I want to be able to air my dirty laundry - my shortcomings, struggles, temptations and weaknesses - and still receive acceptance, love and compassion from the one who hears it all. I want someone who can say "I understand. I can help." Saying all of this to you, I know feel kind of silly. You are that someone. You are able and willing to be all that and more if I will just let you. You are enough. I keep telling you that "I need this" and "I need that" - that I need things other than you, things apart from you. And you are kindly and lovingly showing me that no, I don't. You know my needs and you want to meet them with your vast stores of love, compassion, acceptance and wisdom. You are always with me. You will never forsake me. You can answer and help and encourage. You will always listen You are enough for me. Thank you, Jesus, for showing me that I have not internalized this truth. Help me to remember this truth and live it. 

                                                                                                       Love,

                                                                                                      Megan