Seven Things I've Learned From My 3-Year-Old About Building Community

  My son, the extrovert, does not seem to mind Island Living. (This is the term I've coined to describe my family's experience of living and parenting away from family.) He creates his own community wherever he goes.

   At the gym he befriended an older gentleman who exercises in the pool most mornings. They had not actually heard each others' voices because of the glass between the pool and the lobby, but every day he would run to the glass to show Mr. Bob what to he had brought and Bob would pantomime back, I would try to interpret, and then Bob would splash the glass in front of Jackson. J worked hard on perfecting his thumbs up gesture so that he could flash it back at Bob. 

   I've actually now had a few conversations with Bob when we happen to meet outside the pool at the gym (and once at the grocery store). We gave him a Christmas card so he would know our names (before we had spoken) and he gave Jackson a Christmas present. I know that relationship would not exist without Jackson and his friendly nature (and I love when others take an interest in my children).

   Whenever we go to a park, the pool, a restaurant - wherever - Jackson inevitably strikes up a conversation with someone. Most of the time it is usually to ask another person to play with him. At three years old, he doesn't always remember to ask their names so he often refers to them as "kid" or "my friend", though if he learns their name then he will ask about them the next time we're at the place where they met.

   At restaurants he often turns around to ask the (usually) older girl what her name is. Once, to the shagrin of his grandparents, he turned to two teenage girls in the booth behind him and said, "Hello, ladies!"

   We were at the pool earlier this summer and he started talking to another mother about The Jungle Book. Later he went over to her while she was laying in a lounge chair and asked her to watch him while he jumped into the pool (before you think I ignore or neglect him, I was in the water waiting to catch him when he performed his magnificent feat). He checked several times to make sure she was watching, jumped, then immediately looked to her for her reaction. I appreciated her obliging him. 

   He has no fear of talking to unknown people. He assumes he will be well received, have a positive interaction and an immediate new friend. I love his boldness, innocence and confidence. I usually start a conversation with the parent of the child Jackson's playing with. I admittedly feel more awkward during these interactions than he does. I've probably lost my lack of inhibition through my own encounters with people over the years. I love that Jackson reminds me that there are always opportunities to have positive social interactions and meet some potential new friends.

Playing catch with a "new friend" at the park

  In honor of my gregarious son, I have compiled a list of seven things I've learned from watching him navigate his world. Perhaps I could gain quite a bit from acting more like him.

1. He's not bothered about lacking a built-in community. He's comfortable making his own wherever he goes.

2. He doesn't discriminate. He sees everyone as a potential new friend.

3. He is confident that he will be accepted and enjoyed for who he is.

4. He enjoys the community that is available to him rather than lamenting what he doesn't have.

5. He is not afraid to seek out community. He's not worried about looking weak or needy.

6. He seems to implicitly know that creating community benefits everyone involved.

7. He is not concerned about what others will think. He doesn't hesitate to ask for what he wants or needs.

Is there anything on this list that you could benefit from implementing in your own life? What have you learned from watching your own children navigate the world?

Being Not Enough

The other day I was made aware that Jennie Allen (author, If:Gathering founder) was starting an online FB community. That was the only information I had to go one. I really don't know much about her. I haven't read any of her books. Something urged me to request to join the group. I figured I could always exit the group if it didn't work out.

Thus far there are over 3500 people in the group (I don't know whether it's been closed or people can still join). A bit overwhelming for this introvert, let me tell you, but experience reminds me that I don't have to try to keep up with everything that happens in the group.

Anyway, Jennie posted a video in the group (I guess it was FB Live) that I decided to watch yesterday morning while on an elliptical machine at the gym (the video was 30 minutes long and that's the best place for me to take 30 uninterrupted minutes). She talked about how she is working on her current book (and three weeks from deadline she realized the book she had been writing was not the one she was supposed to be writing) and was seeking some community to help her through this rushed process perhaps offering encouragement and support and letting her know the book matter resonated with others.

When she talked about the topic, it confirmed why I was in the group. I often (including presently) struggle with feeling like I'm not enough (or sometimes too much, but that's a different discussion for a different day). As she spoke, I was reminded that the true equation is: Me + Jesus = Enough. On my own I am sorely lacking. That is why I need a savior, someone to accept me as I am and cover my deficiencies with his sufficiency. When I am able to remember and rest in Jesus' sufficiency for me I feel free and loved and light. I am unburdened.

However, sometimes I forget this is the equation and act like it is actually: Me + Jesus + Works. This mindset only deepens the feelings of inadequacy. I have struggled throughout my faith life with trying to do things to please God or earn my salvation. Thankfully God reminds me that I am accepted and loved through my faith in Jesus and there's nothing I can or need to do to earn righteousness. Paul reminds me that it's in my weakness that God shows up. May I, too, boast in my weakness so that God may be seen in and through me.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 

2 Corinthians 12:9 

Reassessing My Struggle

It hasn't even been a week and I already am more hopeful about the future and my relationships. Do I think there's a family-type community on the horizon for me? No, I don't. There could be but that's not where my hope is resting.

My hope is in the confidence that God is my provider and sustainer. While I don't have a lot of answers to my questions, I do not think that they are as important now. God has encouraged me these past few days. He has drawn me closer to himself as I've clung to him in prayer.

I know now that I struggle with control and wanting my will/agenda to be done (I knew that before but this was a glaring reminder). I need to be more flexible and accept that plans have to change sometimes. I dislike having to cancel but you can't always plan for illness or weather.

I also know that I should enjoy my relationships that I do have as they are, not as I wish they would be. I am blessed with people who enjoy spending time with me and make time for it in their schedules. I have relationships that allow me to share my heart, my struggles, my fears, my weaknesses. Not everyone does.

I have a husband who loves me. He is my partner-in-crime for the long haul and I need to be most vulnerable with him. He is for me and wants to know what's on my heart. I need to make sure I don't believe the lies our enemy tries to feed me about him not caring about the little things on my mind or not being a safe space for my truth.

Not really any earth-shaking revelations but I am thankful for a God who pursues, comforts, encourages and guides me. I hope to be open to whatever relationship the future holds, appreciate the ones I currently have and trust God with it all.

Here In My Struggle

A week or so ago I admitted that I am in need of community. I feel like I have made efforts toward this goal off and on for quite some time. I have managed to have small communities - mom groups, tennis team, small groups, Bible studies - but they have all been for short seasons. I have not managed to hold on to a group where I really feel known and wanted for any real length of time. This does not suit my temperament. I am fiercely loyal, which can cause me to hold on to relationships longer than I'm supposed to, and thrive on deep relationships, which are not built overnight and probably another reason I try to hold on to the ones I've built even if the season has passed. It is a bit disheartening when one of these relationship ends (you could call them a best-friend type relationship) because there has been a lot of time and effort and vulnerability and courage poured into it. The thought of starting all over again is daunting and a little frightening. You never truly know if someone is safe for your truth until you offer it.

Anyway, I have been feeling lonely and a little discouraged lately and have been trying to figure out the reason for this current season. I believe that God has a purpose in this but am not sure what it is. This month I have been making plans with others to get together and work on forging stronger, deeper relationships and nearly all of them have had to be cancelled or rescheduled for a variety of reasons. I am thinking that God is behind it.

What is going on God? Are you trying to tell me something? Do I not really need community? Or am I trying to use community to fill something in me that only you can fill? Are you trying to show me that you are enough, that you are all that I truly need? Do I not think that you are enough for me? Are you trying to get me to dig in deeper with you, to seek you more, to become immersed in your word more? Do I need to grow in my intimacy with you? With my spouse? Do I need to be more open with my husband about feelings and struggles and needs? I feel like you and he are the only two relationships that consistently remain right now. I have a couple of meet ups scheduled the next two days and I feel like they are going to be cancelled too unless I can figure out what you're trying to say. And I know it's not some great mystery that is difficult to uncover because you enjoy my struggle. There is a holy purpose and I know I will learn it at the right time. Help me to trust you, your plans and your timing. Show me what I am missing. Give me wisdom and clarity. May your purpose be made clear and may you be glorified. Amen.

Admitting My Need

I have considered myself to be very independent which I thought was a pretty good thing for quite awhile. Parents all seem to want to raise kids who are self-sufficient, productive members of society. But I think you can get to a point where it's almost a source of pride that you don't really need anything from anyone. And also a lie.

My little snow island

Thinking I have gotten to where I am on my own is not true. I may have put in hard work, but I had loving, caring parents who provided for my needs, provided many opportunities and advantages that others may not receive and encouraged me throughout my life. There's no way I'd be where I am without them. And there have been quite a few people who have encouraged me and helped me and shaped who I am as I have grown up. I will never know just how much others have influenced who I have become.

More recently I have been struggling with not feeling like I have many ties to where I'm living. I've lived my whole married life away from my parents and in-laws. My husband and I thought it was a good thing early on because it allowed us to establish our relationship away from the influence of family. We were able to set a solid foundation for our new little family of two. And I do think it was beneficial to help us learn more about one another and ourselves and grow together.

As we've gotten older and added children into the family, the lack of local family support has been noticed and missed. We wish our kids would be able to spend more frequent time with their grandparents and cousins. Selfishly, we wish we had the opportunity for free babysitting.

I was reading Prayer by Richard Foster yesterday and in the chapter it talked about praying to relinquish our self-sufficiency. I realized that I do tend to operate in the mindset of self-sufficiency which isn't necessarily a good thing. I have been used to being away from family (I didn't live close to extended family as a child and have not lived near my parents since I graduated high school) but I sometimes have mistaken my experience as proof of self-sufficiency. Just because I am not able to be near them does not mean I do not need them.

Likewise, just because I do not have something does not mean it is not beneficial and something I might truly need. In an effort to combat my misguided thinking I thought it would help me to acknowledge people and relationships I do need and their benefits. Here we go.

I need my husband. Practically, he is the one who has blessed me with the opportunity to be at home with my kids. He is responsible for all of our basic necessities (thinking about it reminds me of how daunting that may feel at times for him). He does such an excellent job of providing for us. I know I could not fulfill his responsibilities. I need my husband for encouragement and support - in personal endeavors but most especially in parenting. We make a great team and our family would be sorely lacking without him. I need him for physical comfort and affection. I cherish his hugs and kisses. I need him for emotional comfort and support as well. He offers such wise advice and can see things in  situations I cannot at times.

I need my children. They made me a mother. They have caused me to do a lot of personal growing, the most extraordinary being the growing of sacrifice and service. Being responsible of the needs of others rubs on your selfishness and helps it to diminish some. I need their love, smiles, hugs, kisses and belly laughs. I need them so that I can experience life through a child's eyes and perhaps focus once again on what is important rather than all of the distractions of the world. I love seeing them learn and grow in abilities. It is amazing.

I need my family. I need the love and acceptance that is found there. (I know there are people who do not have safe families where they experience these things.) I need my encouragers who are always in my corner, always for me, always proud of me. I need the connection of shared experiences and inside jokes (even the ones that embarrass me).

I need God. He is woven in and through all of these and I know that he is for me and always with me. I love the way he reveals a little more of himself to me as I consistently draw near to him. Just last week I heard afresh the truth that God created me for him. He is constantly surprising me with little reminders of his love though I do not always recognize them. I need God to continue to work in my heart, to remove the selfishness and judgment and lack of love that can be found there. I need him to lavish his grace and forgiveness on me so that I do not despair when I am confronted with my sinfulness. I need Jesus who rescued me from death and darkness and has filled me with hope.

I need friends. Good, close friends. I was thinking today about how my kids could potentially have life-long friends. People they've known since they could walk. Neither my husband and I have friends like that. We moved several times and so our young relationships were severed and new ones created. Not that we haven't been able to establish strong relationships, just that we cannot relate to decades-long friendships (I do have a couple middle school friends I still keep in touch with and that spans nearly twenty years now but nothing earlier than that).

I feel I have struggled most in this area. I am an introvert so I yearn for a few deep relationships. Surface acquaintances do not renew or restore me. I have been blessed through the years to have found some of these relationships. My struggle is that they seem hard to maintain and my track record shows that they are usually severed when someone moves. I have accepted this as a fact of life but it doesn't make it any easier to move on and try again. I also realize some relationships have seasons.

I realized recently that sometimes I don't admit that I desire good friends. I think I pretend that it doesn't bother me that not many people reach out to me so that I won't feel as bad about it. But it is hard to do most of the initiating. Sometimes you want others to reach out so you know the friendship is important to them too. That you matter to them. We all want to be important and valuable. We want others to find us worthy of their time.

In my heart I know that God knows what I need. I know that he can provide me with amazing, honest, deep, vulnerable friendship. And I trust that he will provide me with what I need when I need it. I also think that he wants me to bring my longings to him. He wants me to seek him above people. He created me and knows what is in store for me. I trust him.

Image courtesy of tiramisustudio at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I was reminded of his love for me and the truth that he can provide friendships at any time this morning. I have been wrestling with a bit of loneliness the past couple of days. I prayed that I knew God is faithful and has the power to provide. This morning at church a woman told me that she was wanting to focus more on people this year and would like to get together sometime to talk. I knew this was God's confirmation of what I already knew to be true. I don't know whether we will actually set aside time to get together (I'd love to but, you know, life) but I won't be as bummed if there's no follow through because I have confidence in God and his faithfulness.

So that's the truth. I need people and relationships. What about you? Is there anything you try to pretend you don't need simply because you don't have it right now?