Reflecting on Ten Years of Marriage

Today is my 10th wedding anniversary! It doesn't seem like long at all but quite a bit has happened in that time:

• Moved to GA
• Started a new job
• Bought our first house
• Started playing tennis
• Adopted a kitten
• Changed jobs
• Took a babymoon to Aruba
• Won an ALTA city championship
• Had a baby
• Became a SAHM
• Published a book
• Had a second baby
• Sold our first house
• Bought our second house

Plenty more has happened in that time (trips, illnesses, concerts, book launch teams, baby milestones, made friends, lost friends to moves, made more friends, weddings, funerals, finished with diapers/potty training, etc) but I wanted to hit the highlights. I also thought it'd be fun to share a little of what I've learned during this time. So, without further ado...

10 Things I've Learned in 10 Years of Marriage

1. Painting rooms and making pizza with your spouse can be more stressful than you might think.

2. Vacations involving children or additional family are actually called "family trips". Vacations are truly vacations when it's just you and your spouse.

3. My husband gives excellent work/job/business advice and my work life goes more smoothly when I take it.

4. Living in a different state from family for the first few years of marriage is a great way to establish your new family life.

5. Having and parenting children away from family is quite challenging and exhausting.

6. Becoming parents changes nearly everything (and eventually you adjust and are okay with that).

7. Finding activities you both enjoy doing together is a great way to have fun and strengthen your marriage.

8. Honest, respectful, loving communication is essential in a healthy marriage.

9. It's helpful to remember that you are on the same team and are for each other.

10. How in need of grace I am and how thankful I am to have a husband who is gracious toward me.

I would love to hear things others have learned in their years of marriage. Please share your thoughts in the comments!

Being Vulnerable With Your Spouse

  I have been listening to a podcast called Marriage is Funny, which is produced by a married couple that has been married about as long as Adam and I have. I have only listened to a few episodes and have started from the beginning (there are currently 40+ episodes). I love that they speak honestly about things that they have experienced and are able to insert a little humor into serious topics. From the first episode I have felt like we are kindred spirits and that they can relate to my experience of marriage (they talked about fighting about hanging a chandelier early in their marriage, our tension stemmed from making homemade pizza and painting our new house). It seems like we might be good friends even though our life paths have veered slightly (and the small fact that we don't live anywhere close to one another). I love how they are willing to be vulnerable with one another and their listeners. It has endeared me to them.

  A few days ago I listened to their seventh episode "Putting On A Bikini is the Best Way to Cheer Up A Crying Husband". The woman, Jessie, was talking about wearing bikinis, Gerard's perspective and the conflict some people have regarding Christianity and modesty. She then kind of veered off topic to share with Gerard (and the listening audience) that she sometimes struggled with feeling attractive to Gerard and needed him to tell her that he thinks she is beautiful more frequently.

  I, too, have struggled with the very same thing. The fact that she got choked up a bit sharing this, encouraged me because I also got the weird tear-strangled voice when I once said this to Adam. My immediate thought was relief that I am not the only one who has felt this need for their spouse to reassure them of their beauty. It seems anti-feminist to want to be attractive to my spouse, but the need is there regardless. It doesn't matter what others may think as long as I know the man who has won my heart thinks I'm pretty.

  I know that I am God's beloved. I know that he created me and did not err in the features I have. I know that I have his heart and that I am a delight to him. I suppose that ought to be enough, but I am human. I desire that reassurance from the person who knows me more intimately than anyone else.

  I remember how I hated to bring it up because I knew it might make him feel like he was somehow lacking. He loves me so well and demonstrates it in so many ways that I don't want to negate all that he does for me over one thing. Sometimes I wonder if what I feel is a need is actually the devil trying to drive a wedge between us. Regardless, I felt it was important to share something that felt important to me so that I did not feel resentful (and truly put something between us) and perhaps might receive the reassurance I desired.

  I am sharing this because I have now learned that I am not the only one who has struggled with this and am wondering if you, too, have also felt this way at some point. I want you to know that I understand and that your feelings are valid and normal. Please be courageous and share your heart with your spouse. It's very difficult for your spouse to meet an unexpressed need or desire. I pray that God would give you wisdom on when and how to express your desire and that your spouse would have a heart to receive your request without feeling personally attacked.

Pretending I'm Famous: My Imaginary Interview on The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey Podcast

I had received several recommendations about the podcast, The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey. I decided to download one and listen to it while I was on the elliptical machine at the gym. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's like listening to a couple of your girlfriends talk about life, things they are passionate about right now and what God's doing in their lives. Most of these shows are between forty-five minutes and one hour fifteen minutes. The interviews are with some well-known women and women Jamie knows or has heard of but maybe are not in the public eye as much.

Recently Jamie started some bonus happy hour episodes that are thirty minutes in length and posted every few Fridays. They are often follow up interviews of people she has previously interviewed. She usually asks each person a similar set of questions.

The interviews seem like so much fun. It'd be neat to be a guest on her podcast but I don't really do anything that would warrant me the opportunity - I'm a regular SAHM not doing anything particularly noteworthy or groundbreaking.

But today is my birthday so I thought I'd have a little fun. I wrote down the questions she asked on one of the bonus episodes and thought it'd be fun to answer them like I really was a guest on her show. Here goes...

Pretend Jamie Ivey: Welcome to The Happy Half-Hour with Jamie Ivey! My guest today is Megan Byrd.

Me: I'm so excited to be here with you! I'm a little nervous about a live/recorded event but they seem like so much fun that I thought it would be fun to participate.

PJI: For those who don't know who you are. give us a little snippet of your life.

Me: I am a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) of two kids, a six-year-old and a three-year-old. I've been married to my husband, Adam, for almost ten years and we live in Acworth, Georgia, just outside of Atlanta.

PJI: What is something you've read, watched or heard recently that you cannot stop recommending to other people? Answer one or all three.

Me: Your podcast has been the thing I've been listening to that I think all of my women friends should check out. I get something from every episode, most notably book recommendations. I love reading so it's a great way to add to my to-read list and be confident it will be a worthwhile read!
   Speaking of books, I recently read Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson. It is hilarious! It also speaks truthfully about mental illness and provides wisdom and insight for the rest of this. I love books that cause me to laugh, think and learn. I would like to warn that there is some language in the book that others might not care for.
  I also recently read and enjoyed Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty. I have read three of her books thus far and this has been my favorite. At the beginning you find out that there is a murder and then the book jumps back six months to introduce you to the characters. I spent most of the book trying to figure out who died and who killed them. I changed my guess several times but ended up being completely wrong. It was great!
  I don't watch a lot of television. My husband and I tend to stick to comedy shows to lighten our week and he usually is the one that introduces me to them. Probably my favorite of the current shows we watch is Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Andy Samberg is one of the main characters and I thought he was funny on Saturday Night Live. I thought it was going to be a dumb buddy-cop show but I watched the first episode and laughed throughout the whole thing. The whole cast is amazing and hilarious. Andre Braugher is amazing as Captain Holt. It's just fun and silly and also heart-warming in moments. I can't wait for the next season!

PJI: How do you recharge? What does that look like for you?

Me: As a SAHM without family around, this has been a struggle for me. I actually recently asked this same question to a new acquaintance of mine, asking her to recall what she did when she was raising her children. She helped me to get a better picture of what recharging looks like for me. Exercising is a big factor in my emotional and physical health. I have made sure my kids have kept an afternoon rest time most days (now that they no longer nap consistently) so that I can have an hour to an hour and a half to do something I enjoy, usually reading, praying and/or writing. Occasionally I'll take a nap if I'm feeling particularly tired. I have sometimes used this time to do chores around the house and I have realized that not using my "free time" wisely hinders my ability to be a patient, considerate, loving mom and wife the remainder of the day.
     I dream of having an entire day to myself where I can focus on being in nature and spending time in quiet solitude praying, writing and reading. It sounds so amazing to me! As an introvert, I need periods of quiet to recharge (hence my kids' Quiet Room Time).

PJI: What's a specific app, gadget or piece of technology that you cannot live without and why?

Me: My kindle. I LOVE to read and I think it's great that I can have a bunch of books in one place and it takes up limited space in my bag or suitcase. I can get books from the library or Amazon without having to leave the house. My kindle case has a book light which makes for easy reading in bed (yes, I have an older, non-backlit one but I use it daily).

PJI: What's a dream that you had when you were young that you've had to let go of?

Me: For awhile growing up I wanted to be an architect, but not just an architect. I already had the traveling bug so I wanted to live in an RV so that I could travel around the country designing buildings. I don't know if that was a very realistic dream, probably because I wasn't really equipped with the skills to be an architect, but it was fun to think about for awhile. I don't know that I ever thought it would actually happen.
      I think I'm very risk-averse so I don't know that I really dream big or pursue things that require a lot of risk. In college, I thought about going to graduate school for counseling but was concerned about having a student loan so I didn't ever finish the application process. I know it would still be possible to acquire a master's but it's not a strong desire of mine at this time. So, sadly to say, I can't really think of big dreams I had when I was younger that were not able to come true.
     I do think that I am growing in my ability to dream. I recently pondered this and realized that I do dream of being a writer who is compensated for her work. It has been a little scary putting that out there because sharing dreams requires vulnerability and there is the risk of failure or it not coming true.

PJI: When you think of your good friends, what are some characteristics of these people that make them so special to you?

Me: The special people in my life ask me questions. Asking me about what's going on let's me know that they are interested in me as a person and have remembered things we've talked about in the past. I am someone who many people see as a good listener and someone they can confide in. Often, people share with me but do not ask me questions and so it feels like a one-sided relationship.
        They also initiate contact with me sometimes so that I am not the only one asking to hang out. Not having family around I have learned that I have to reach out to have community but it gets tiring when it's not reciprocated so I really appreciate those who also seek to spend time with me.
         I think the underlying theme is wanting to feel important and known by others. When I feel these things then it increases my affection for the person contributing to these desires.

PJI: What's some of the best advice you've ever received?

Me: Take time for yourself. Do things that refresh you and help you reconnect to yourself.

       This was really easy to do when I was single and then married without kids. Once I became a mother I kind of lost myself in the change. One of the biggest adjustments of motherhood is becoming less selfish in order to give so much care to a helpless, fully dependent new family member. I was no longer able to spend time wandering around by myself doing whatever on the weekends or spending relaxed, unhurried time reading and writing. I had to schedule small bits of self-care into the day when it was possible (and some days it was not possible) and it was (and still is) a struggle to do that well.
      The biggest struggle for me is feeling guilty for doing something for myself or for wanting to spend some time away from my kids or family. I think most parents struggle with this guilt of wanting to give your family all that you can but knowing that you will become burned out if you don't refresh yourself away from your family responsibilities.
      Parenthood also changes the married relationship a lot. Those first few years of a child's life make yours very tiring and blurry. You can forget to purposefully and meaningfully connect with your spouse, something else that is also very important.
     Self-care and marriage-care are both very important pieces of a thriving family. I am continuing to learn how to do these things better. As we've risen out of the fog of babies and toddlers I see more and more the importance of doing things that I enjoy, doing things that we enjoy as a couple, and doing things away from the kids. It will benefit our kids as they get older and enter marriage and family life if they can see us successfully navigating these areas of life.

PJI: What is one thing you do that is directly tied to your success? Or what does success look like to/for you?

Me: I don't feel like I have achieved a particular success. Perhaps that's why I like the question which asks me to define success. I think at this point in my life, success is having a husband and children who know they are loved, cherished and appreciated. Success is knowing that I am using my gifts and abilities to honor God and serve others (loving and encouraging others with my writing).

PJI: What is something you're really excited about right now?

Me: I am really excited about spending time with family over the next six weeks or so. Living away from family, I really cherish those times we are together and able to connect. We will be spending the next week and a half around various members of my husband's family which will be fun for the kids and allow me little pockets of free time and a change in routine. In a few weeks we'll fly out to my family to spend a few weeks with them. I see my parents about twice per year and extended family usually only when we are visiting my parents in the summer so I really try to soak in that time. I'm excited that this family time is almost here! It also means school will be out (we're in our last week) and I am soooo ready to sleep in and have a looser schedule!

PJI: What is a pet peeve of yours?

Me: I feel annoyed at people who are chronically late. Pre-kids I was nearly always early and it probably bothered me a lot more. Now I have days where we are a few minutes late because it's hard to get everyone wrangled and out the door at the proper time so I have more empathy for other parents. I usually try to build in ten to fifteen minutes to get the kids ready but it isn't always enough. I know firsthand that anything and everything can happen when you're trying to get out of the house with children to an event that has a specific start time.

PJI: Thanks for joining me on this Happy Half-Hour! 

Me: Thank you for letting me participate. It was fun answering the questions!



Has there been a show or podcast that you thought it would be fun to be a guest on? If so, I'd love to hear about it. (When I was a kid I really wanted to be on the Nickelodeon game shows - Legends of the Hidden Temple, Double Dare, Guts.)

Dreaming With an Open Heart

I have been thinking recently about dreams I have for my life, things I would love to do or to happen. I know we sometimes equate dreams with goals or bucket list items, but I believe those are all slightly different.

Goals are things I want to achieve and will take deliberate steps to accomplish. Some dreams could be labeled as goals but, often, dreams require more than just our own efforts to accomplish. Goals are measurable and you can usually determine ahead of time if you have the necessary resources to accomplish them. Yes, work is also required on our part for dreams, but even if we do all that we can, it doesn't mean the dream will be realized.

Bucket lists, to me, are kind of like fun to-do lists. Perhaps some people's bucket lists are lists of dreams but I think mine would most resemble a world map or adventure itinerary.

To me, dreams are heart-driven desires. I am more nervous about sharing my dreams than my bucket list because they are revealing and vulnerable. They tell others a lot about my heart. I have been thinking and praying a lot about it and have decided to share my dreams with you. I believe that bringing them out in the open where others can see them will allow God more room to move in these areas. He reminded me recently that the dreams he has placed in my heart (and, honestly, I don't know for certain which dreams are God-led and which are my own selfish ones), he will water and grow so that they will come to fruition at the proper time.

So, in no particular order, my current dreams:

• To be a writer (technically I am a writer now, but I am referring to receiving payment/compensation for my work)
• To write and publish another book (it'd be awesome to have an actual publishing house do it - see above dream)
• To go on a solo weekend retreat somewhere I can pray, see nature, read, write, be quiet and think (I've heard about monastic retreats which appeal to me)
• To attend She Speaks Conference, the writer/speaker conference held every July in Concord, NC
• A vacation with just my husband to a beach/island with great scuba diving
• A couple/family or several couples/families for true community (we like each other, enjoy each other's company, can share real/hard things and all make efforts to spend time together regularly)
• My kids to choose Jesus and desire to live for him (they are currently 6 and 3 but this is my number one desire for them)

There you have it. I don't know of any one thing listed that will happen this year. Next year, several have promise. I suppose that's part of why they are dreams. I know they are all possible but some of them I am powerless for them to happen (yes, I may have influence but I can't accomplish them in my own power) and so there is plenty of room for God to work. I am hoping and believing that all of these things will happen.

Are you willing to share some of your heart dreams with me? Are any of the dreams listed also on your heart as well? I'd love to know there is a kindred spirit out there. Together we can pray for God's work and provision for our dreams.

Reassessing My Struggle

It hasn't even been a week and I already am more hopeful about the future and my relationships. Do I think there's a family-type community on the horizon for me? No, I don't. There could be but that's not where my hope is resting.

My hope is in the confidence that God is my provider and sustainer. While I don't have a lot of answers to my questions, I do not think that they are as important now. God has encouraged me these past few days. He has drawn me closer to himself as I've clung to him in prayer.

I know now that I struggle with control and wanting my will/agenda to be done (I knew that before but this was a glaring reminder). I need to be more flexible and accept that plans have to change sometimes. I dislike having to cancel but you can't always plan for illness or weather.

I also know that I should enjoy my relationships that I do have as they are, not as I wish they would be. I am blessed with people who enjoy spending time with me and make time for it in their schedules. I have relationships that allow me to share my heart, my struggles, my fears, my weaknesses. Not everyone does.

I have a husband who loves me. He is my partner-in-crime for the long haul and I need to be most vulnerable with him. He is for me and wants to know what's on my heart. I need to make sure I don't believe the lies our enemy tries to feed me about him not caring about the little things on my mind or not being a safe space for my truth.

Not really any earth-shaking revelations but I am thankful for a God who pursues, comforts, encourages and guides me. I hope to be open to whatever relationship the future holds, appreciate the ones I currently have and trust God with it all.

Acts of Love

  As I was folding laundry one day, I wondered whether some of the things I do as an act of love for my husband are noticed and received as such. This may seem like a random thought, but it's not. You see, my husband's socks are most often inside out when they are tossed into the laundry basket. When they come out of the dryer, they are still inside out. Each laundry day I make a choice whether to leave them inside out while matching them or turn them right side out. For a while I have been choosing to turn them ride side out because I determined that it was the loving thing to do and would make his mornings before work go more smoothly. I was curious as to whether this was noticed and also to know what little things I do make him feel loved. So I asked him, while also volunteering an example.

  I shared that I know he loves me because he calls me every day when he leaves work to give me an idea of when he'll be home and also to ask if I need him to pick up anything on the way. He responded that he knows I love him because I put his clean and folded laundry away for him. I then asked if he noticed I turn his socks right side out. I joked that he'd know I was mad at him when he started to find inside out socks in his drawer.

  I do think it is important to learn what things make your spouse feel loved and then try to do them regularly (not that I always succeed at this). It may be something small like putting away the clean dishes you find in the dishwasher. It could be something a little bigger like giving your spouse a massage gift certificate and time/opportunity to use it. Perhaps your spouse likes you to make time to talk or play a game with them. It would also help your spouse out to tell them what makes you feel loved so that they can reciprocate.


  Do you know what makes your spouse feel loved? Do you succeed in showing him or her love regularly? 

When Do I Need God?

There are plans for our church to train some people to be lay counselors. When I first heard about this I was quite excited because one of my dreams has been to be a counselor. I have a bachelor's in Psychology but have not yet pursued a master's degree. I wasn't able to determine exactly which route to take (MSW or MAC) before my life veered in a different (and wonderful) direction. I have talked off and on with my husband about whether or not to go to grad school when the kids are older. So when I heard there might be an opportunity to pursue my dream in a slightly different way, I was interested in pursuing it.

Before service yesterday one of the women involved in this potential ministry asked me again about my interest and mentioned a potential timeline for it. While I was sitting in church I was thinking about how exciting the opportunity would be I also thought about how much I would need to seek God when I stepped into the role. I know that I have no wisdom of my own that can encourage someone exactly how they need it. I know that God will know exactly how he wants to use me in others' lives and I will need to faithfully seek him to do this. I was excited by this, by stepping into a role where I needed to rely fully on God. 

And then it hit me. Am I saying that I am doing all of my current roles in my own power? Am I saying to God, "I've got this marriage and parenting and friend thing"? Because I surely do not! I cannot have a thriving, loving, encouraging, supportive marriage in my own wisdom and power. I am naturally selfish to the core and that will not work for marriage. Nor can I raise two kids with the compassion, grace, love, and wisdom that will yield godly adults without seeking God daily (sometimes hourly). I am too prone to frustration, tiredness and impatience. Without God, I cannot truly care for another person (we're back to that selfish thing where I focus on my little world). I cannot have a deep, intimate relationship with someone that includes genuine concern, compassion and giving of myself and my time. 

Duh. Thanks, God, for reminding me that I need you right now. You have already given me more than enough to bring to you each day.

I'm still excited about the potential new opportunity, but right now I will refocus on seeking God in the roles I currently hold.