The Perfect Image

  I have been wondering lately whether I project the image of having it all together. I don't feel like many people think I have struggles. I don't know whether this is me trying to project a specific image or if it's because I prefer to share concerns and issues with people who have become close, trusted friends. I realize that I have shared some struggles here on my blog which would be considered public. I don't have a solid answer to reconcile this with my previous statement. We'll have to be okay with the contradiction.

  I do not have it all together. Big shocker, right? I worry too much about what others think (or might be thinking). I care too much about fitting in with what a perfect mom and wife look like. Deep down I know there's no such thing, but it doesn't keep me from striving for this goal. I can be petty and choose to nurse hurts because I want sympathy (of course I tend to keep these inside which kind of defeats the purpose and instead gives me a negative outlook, poisoning me from the inside). I struggle often with letting go of my own desires, wants, agenda so that I can be available to love and serve others, including my family.

  There is a tension in me, and possibly in all parents, where I desire to care well for my family and myself but feel like I am constantly failing one or the other. I wonder if putting my son in lunch bunch so that I can have an extra hour of kid-free time is selfish or self-aware. I have been learning how much my parenting (and capacity for love and patience) is affected by whether I make time to do things that refresh and restore me. I know that when I begin to feel panicky, stressed and impatient it means I have neglected to rest and rejuvenate. Alternately, when I do take time to do things that fill me up, I am much more kind, gentle and able to focus on others. I still haven't figured out a good balance. I don't know if balance is even possible. I do know that I want to be healthy and a good role model for my kids so I need to continue to work this out.

  I feel like I am under spiritual attack right now. My thoughts are scattered. I am struggling to concentrate in prayer and reading the Bible. I don't know if he's trying to make me ineffective by causing stress, anxiety and panic. I don't know why this is happening right now. But I am calling him out. Jesus is for me. He is with me. He will never leave me. If I focus on him and drawing closer to him, perhaps my anxiety will subside and peace will take it's place. We are, after all, told to pray about everything and express thanksgiving and we will receive peace that passes understanding.

  Lord, I am anxious and burdened. I don't know why I am feeling this way but I know that you have peace that can replace this anxiousness. Please remind me that you are with me and fill me with your peace. Help me to rest in your promises and be reminded of your faithfulness and your love for me. You are for me. Thank you for creating me and for giving me worth and purpose. Thank you for my family, for my friends, for your word that instructs, encourages and reminds me of your love. I am grateful that you are in control. Please help me to lay down my plans and desires and surrender all I have to your capable hands and perfect will. Lord, I trust that you will bring good from all circumstances. I pray that I would be faithful to you and quick to respond to your leading. Lord, I need you. I cannot have a fruitful life without you. You are my rock and my salvation. Restore your servant who trusts in you. I am so grateful that you hear me and that you are available to listen at all times. I pray that you would be glorified in and through me. Have your way in me. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Reflecting on Ten Years of Marriage

Today is my 10th wedding anniversary! It doesn't seem like long at all but quite a bit has happened in that time:

• Moved to GA
• Started a new job
• Bought our first house
• Started playing tennis
• Adopted a kitten
• Changed jobs
• Took a babymoon to Aruba
• Won an ALTA city championship
• Had a baby
• Became a SAHM
• Published a book
• Had a second baby
• Sold our first house
• Bought our second house

Plenty more has happened in that time (trips, illnesses, concerts, book launch teams, baby milestones, made friends, lost friends to moves, made more friends, weddings, funerals, finished with diapers/potty training, etc) but I wanted to hit the highlights. I also thought it'd be fun to share a little of what I've learned during this time. So, without further ado...

10 Things I've Learned in 10 Years of Marriage

1. Painting rooms and making pizza with your spouse can be more stressful than you might think.

2. Vacations involving children or additional family are actually called "family trips". Vacations are truly vacations when it's just you and your spouse.

3. My husband gives excellent work/job/business advice and my work life goes more smoothly when I take it.

4. Living in a different state from family for the first few years of marriage is a great way to establish your new family life.

5. Having and parenting children away from family is quite challenging and exhausting.

6. Becoming parents changes nearly everything (and eventually you adjust and are okay with that).

7. Finding activities you both enjoy doing together is a great way to have fun and strengthen your marriage.

8. Honest, respectful, loving communication is essential in a healthy marriage.

9. It's helpful to remember that you are on the same team and are for each other.

10. How in need of grace I am and how thankful I am to have a husband who is gracious toward me.

I would love to hear things others have learned in their years of marriage. Please share your thoughts in the comments!

Still Struggling

Image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The day after I wrote my last post, my verses for the day's study were from Titus 2 where it talks about older women training younger women. I felt a pang of disappointment at not having this type of relationship. Even though I am choosing to trust God's timing, it's still difficult and has not removed my longing for this type of relationship. I thought I'd share my devotional for that day so that you can see what my personal study looks like.

***

Titus 2:3-5

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, and to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

Older women are instructed to actively encourage/teach/mentor younger women. Even in my thirties, I am considered an older woman to those in their teens and twenties. My five-year-old daughter is probably watching me to help establish her identity as a girl and learn what it means to be a woman, wife and mother. This means I should be very aware of how I present myself and represent Biblical womanhood.

Even though I can be an example for some, I still desire to have an older, wiser woman help me to be a better wife, mom and Christ-follower. My mother lives far away so it is harder to have this type of mentoring relationship with her. I know that God can develop all of these traits in me on his own, but I desire community and relationships with others and I still struggle.

I think that's the detriment of our mobile society. It's harder to establish and maintain close relationships. Many people live away from their families which removes them from having built-in community and support Humans were made for relationships. It's how we grow and thrive. Family will always be there - you can't get rid of them (good or bad). Friendships tend to be more delicate, vulnerable to time and distance. 

Lord, I am trying to trust you with my needs and relationships. I struggle so much in this area of close relationships. I don't know exactly what I desire but I know that you know what I need. You love me and will provide at the proper time. Amen.

Living Life on Purpose

When my daughter was a toddler, I had a friend who had school aged children and was also a SAHM. She invited me and my daughter to come to her house every other week to let my daughter play with her girls' toys and allow me to talk to her about what was going on in my life. I felt very comfortable with her to share personal issues and to also ask her advice about parenting, marriage and faith. Her kindness was such a blessing to me. I remember while receiving this encouragement and support I thought that it was a ministry I would like to have once my children are older. Many SAHMS desire a welcoming, accepting place to share while embracing their current season as mothers of little ones.

While pregnant with my second child, this amazing woman and her family moved away. It was difficult for me to lose this close connection. My family and in-laws all live in different states from my family so our only local support is from friends we make here. 

I tried for awhile to find a replacement for my friend. I participated in mom groups and sought to deepen friendships with other women. It was nice to have people who could relate, but I still desired someone who could impart wisdom about the future and serve as proof that difficult seasons of parenting will pass. I spent a lot of time praying for an older woman mentor of sorts. 

Finally, at the beginning of this year, I decided I would choose to trust God to provide what I need in terms of relationships and in the meantime seek wisdom on my roles as woman, wife and mother from the source - the Bible. (I think God has really wanted me to seek him for this wisdom on how to live and thrive in these roles all along and it took me awhile to realize this.)

This decision also coincided with me feeling that I was reading my Bible as a checklist item and not really seeking to learn and apply what I was reading each morning. I wanted that to change so I decided to change my methods. Instead of trying to read a chapter each day to get through the entire Bible (my previous plan), I decided to study scriptures about my womanly roles. I chose to start with the illustrious Proverbs 31 woman we hear so much about. 

I am a journaler. Writing is how I process my thoughts. I decided that to truly study God's word and let it sink into my soul, I would take it slow and use my strengths. I began by writing out the verse I wished to study. Then I wrote out what I thought it meant and how I might be able to apply it. I ended with a prayer about the verse. Some verses were tough for me to determine a modern-day application. One particular verse I was so stumped, I did an online search to see what others had gleaned from the verse. I am trying to improve my ability to seek help when I need it. 

Once I was through those verses, I sought out other verses referencing these topics. I am currently focusing on what the Bible says about being a woman and a wife. I have verse references about children and parents for the next part of this dig into the Bible. 

Having used this method for more than two months now, it has not become rote. I think it's the amount of focus needed to write my thoughts. It has been so encouraging and inspiring to me that I am considering turning my pages into a devotional when I am finished. This declaration is a little scary as I struggle with having meaningful thoughts and/or wisdom to share with others. I know that God will work out the details if this is what I am supposed to do with this personal Bible study.

Recently, I received the opportunity to read and complete a Bible study about Biblical womanhood that another woman has written. I do not think it is coincidental that her study topic is what I have been delving into personally for a few months. I am very interested in reading about what she learned from her experience with the Scriptures. 

Now, Dear Reader, I have an opportunity for you as well. The author, Katie May Tramonte, has provided me with an additional copy of her Bible study, Gospel-Centered Womanhood, which I am able to give away to one of you! If you would like a chance to win this study, please leave a comment between now and April 6th. The winner (picked randomly) will be announced on April 7th. Good luck!

P.S. - If you're having trouble leaving a comment, please let me know so I can try to fix the issue!

Acts of Love

  As I was folding laundry one day, I wondered whether some of the things I do as an act of love for my husband are noticed and received as such. This may seem like a random thought, but it's not. You see, my husband's socks are most often inside out when they are tossed into the laundry basket. When they come out of the dryer, they are still inside out. Each laundry day I make a choice whether to leave them inside out while matching them or turn them right side out. For a while I have been choosing to turn them ride side out because I determined that it was the loving thing to do and would make his mornings before work go more smoothly. I was curious as to whether this was noticed and also to know what little things I do make him feel loved. So I asked him, while also volunteering an example.

  I shared that I know he loves me because he calls me every day when he leaves work to give me an idea of when he'll be home and also to ask if I need him to pick up anything on the way. He responded that he knows I love him because I put his clean and folded laundry away for him. I then asked if he noticed I turn his socks right side out. I joked that he'd know I was mad at him when he started to find inside out socks in his drawer.

  I do think it is important to learn what things make your spouse feel loved and then try to do them regularly (not that I always succeed at this). It may be something small like putting away the clean dishes you find in the dishwasher. It could be something a little bigger like giving your spouse a massage gift certificate and time/opportunity to use it. Perhaps your spouse likes you to make time to talk or play a game with them. It would also help your spouse out to tell them what makes you feel loved so that they can reciprocate.


  Do you know what makes your spouse feel loved? Do you succeed in showing him or her love regularly?