Trust and Rest: The Current Themes of My Life

  A few months ago I was introduced to interactive prayer journaling (found in the book Joyful Journey: Listening to Immanuel by E. James Wilder, Anna Kang, John Loppnow and Sungshim Loppnow). I have journaled my prayers for many years but a friend of mine said that this particular style helped her to really hear what God wanted to share with her. I am terrible at sitting in silent meditation trying to hear from God. My mind is forever wandering to my to-do list or something in the room that is distracting. Her declaration that she received clearer communication with God peaked my interest.

  I received the instructions and chose a day to try it out. I wrote a short prayer of gratitude to God. I was then to invite him to respond to my gratitude, writing down what I felt he was saying. I then had five prompts that I was to ask God to finish and record his responses. At the end of the exercise, I was to read out loud all that I had written.

  The whole process took between five and ten minutes. It felt very weird. I tried to write down whatever came into my head. I was a little skeptical/hesitant to declare that they were God's words to me, rather than my words to myself. However, if you're anything like me, you're not always very kind, positive or encouraging in your inner monologue. The things I wrote down were kind, compassionate, honest, truthful and loving. Reading the words was so encouraging and comforting.

  God cut to the chase and reminded me that he knows what is going on in my life and what matters to me. I received clarity, comfort, wisdom and a feeling of being truly known. As I have continued to practice this form of prayer, it has become less weird. It has grown to be one of my favorite ways of spending time with God.

  Two common themes have emerged through these prayer times. The first theme is God has been asking me to trust him. He has reminded me that he is faithful and has a good purpose for my life. I am an independent person and try to do and figure everything out on my own. I am not good at delegating to others because I worry that it will not be completed the way I would like it. I'm a bit of a control freak, you could say. God's constant reminder of faithfulness is helping me to open up to allowing him to guide me and to trust in his provision for various areas of my life.

  The other major theme has been encouraging me to rest. I am a go-getter and don't like to be idle when there are plenty of things that can be done (it's probably tied to my independent/controlling nature). I am the initiator of many of my get togethers with other people which has been draining lately. I tend to do housework during QRT (Quiet Room Time for my children) rather than use the time to rest and refresh myself. A wise person helped me to see how important this time is for me in order to be the wife/mom/person I need to be the rest of the day. Not using my little bit of daily free time wisely is noticeable in my attitude (specifically my patience levels).

  I feel like there is a reason for God's desire for me to rest right now and over the summer in addition to the benefits of a daily rest time. I am trusting God to provide the social interactions I need which is a huge deal for me - it's quite a stretch for me and I was quite tempted to make something happen the first few weeks. I tried to manipulate my agreement (which was to not do any inviting for the month of May). Instead I am working on trusting God completely.

  May was a very busy month because of the end of school and having our first trip away from home for the year. I am glad that I did not try to cram more things into the month. God was faithful in providing social invitations and activities. It almost seemed like he was showing off to me. Now that it's June, I don't feel like I am on a strict ban from inviting but I have seen the blessings of having space in our schedule so I want to be wiser in scheduling things and our time. Even though it's summer, we already had a number of commitments scheduled.

  I am definitely continuing to grow in both trusting God and resting well/wisely. I hope that I can continue to give things over to God in trust and rest confidently in the faith that he will continue to provide what is needed when it is needed.

A Letter to My 18-Year-Old Self

Dear Eighteen-Year-Old Me,

Hello there! It's me, your 33-year-old self. It's been nearly sixteen years since you graduated high school and began preparing for college life. I know you are very excited to see what the next chapter of life would hold. I'm sure you are a little nervous venturing out on your own, especially knowing your parents will be 10+ hours away. Of course, you have been somewhat prepared for this having spent the majority of your summers away from your parents visiting relatives. It's just one more new adventure!

I know that you are not sure what you should study but have signed up for the engineering track at the suggestion of your parents. You will end up taking many more math and science classes than you end up needing for graduation when you finally find majors that best suit your wiring, but there will be a big upside to having taken engineering classes (specifically Statistics for Engineers). You don't know it yet, but that class will profoundly and positively impact your life.

If I could truly go back and offer you some advice before you begin your time at N.C. State (which you love, by the way), here is a part of what I would want to say.

Just because someone shows interest in dating you, it doesn't mean that's a relationship you need to pursue. I know you've only really dated one person thus far but not all relationships will be as positive and healthy as that one was. You need to work on deepening your relationship with Jesus and seeking him. God loves you dearly. He has a purpose for you that he will fulfill. Whether or not you end up with a spouse, God's plans will be better than anything you can imagine. If you have the desire for a husband, give it to him in prayer and trust him to provide in his timing. God is faithful and trustworthy.

Marriage is supposed to be a reflection of Christ and his church. Any dating relationship you have should be characterized by respect, love, grace and selflessness (from both of you). Here are a few questions you may want to ask yourself when considering a dating relationship. Does he love God? Does he attend church? Pray and read his Bible regularly? Is he involved in a Christian group, Bible study or other activity to deepen his relationship with Christ? (Experience will tell you that behavior is the best indicator of what someone believes.) Does he treat you with respect? Does he listen to and value your opinion? Does he try to push physical boundaries? Does he desire to see you grow and succeed? Will he encourage you in your relationship with Christ?

It is very important for you to answer the questions asked above about yourself. You are young in your faith and have a lot of growing to do. If you seek to grow closer to God and join activities that will encourage you in this way, you will flourish. Ask God to help you find these things. He will provide some amazing friends, connections and experiences.

I know that I cannot go back and change what you will experience, but I hope that what you learn can help other young women as they prepare for their own college career. To that extent, I wrote a book for college-age women (info below). I hope that they will learn from your experiences and avoid some of your mistakes. I have some sorrow and regret over choices made during college but, praise God, he has brought good from it!

Don't worry, you will have a fabulous time and meet some great people that you will still keep up with when you're my age (mostly thanks to the invention of Facebook that is not yet an idea in Mark Z's head). Your mistakes will not be fatal. You will learn, grow and change. You will become much more confident and self-assured as you age. You will also acquire a lot more responsibility so enjoy your relatively tether-free time in college!

Love,
Thirty-three-year-old Me

Between Us Girls: Navigating College Life as a Christian Woman

Will you head off to college soon? Or perhaps you've already started at a university and found the going a little rough? Have you prepared yourself for all that you may experience, both on-campus and off? Do you know how to strengthen your faith and locate resources to help draw you closer to God? Between Us Girls: Navigating College Life as a Christian Woman can help you prepare for campus life. In this book, you'll learn about... 

• Strengthening your relationship with God
• The importance of finding a Christian group on campus 
• The different types of guys you will encounter 
• What to do if you mess up 
• Potential stumbling blocks to your faith and your relationships 
• Straight talk about sex 

Through reading candid, real-life stories and advice from Christian women about their time at college, you'll discover that you're not the only one facing challenges and struggles on campus. Even more importantly, you'll learn about great opportunities for redemption, success, and a rich adventure with God.


If you are interested in obtaining a copy of Between Us Girls: Navigating College Life as a Christian Woman, please email me at  mybyrdlife at gmail.com. Copies are $10 each. Shipping is $3 (free if you're local and we can meet in person). Thanks!

Here In My Struggle

A week or so ago I admitted that I am in need of community. I feel like I have made efforts toward this goal off and on for quite some time. I have managed to have small communities - mom groups, tennis team, small groups, Bible studies - but they have all been for short seasons. I have not managed to hold on to a group where I really feel known and wanted for any real length of time. This does not suit my temperament. I am fiercely loyal, which can cause me to hold on to relationships longer than I'm supposed to, and thrive on deep relationships, which are not built overnight and probably another reason I try to hold on to the ones I've built even if the season has passed. It is a bit disheartening when one of these relationship ends (you could call them a best-friend type relationship) because there has been a lot of time and effort and vulnerability and courage poured into it. The thought of starting all over again is daunting and a little frightening. You never truly know if someone is safe for your truth until you offer it.

Anyway, I have been feeling lonely and a little discouraged lately and have been trying to figure out the reason for this current season. I believe that God has a purpose in this but am not sure what it is. This month I have been making plans with others to get together and work on forging stronger, deeper relationships and nearly all of them have had to be cancelled or rescheduled for a variety of reasons. I am thinking that God is behind it.

What is going on God? Are you trying to tell me something? Do I not really need community? Or am I trying to use community to fill something in me that only you can fill? Are you trying to show me that you are enough, that you are all that I truly need? Do I not think that you are enough for me? Are you trying to get me to dig in deeper with you, to seek you more, to become immersed in your word more? Do I need to grow in my intimacy with you? With my spouse? Do I need to be more open with my husband about feelings and struggles and needs? I feel like you and he are the only two relationships that consistently remain right now. I have a couple of meet ups scheduled the next two days and I feel like they are going to be cancelled too unless I can figure out what you're trying to say. And I know it's not some great mystery that is difficult to uncover because you enjoy my struggle. There is a holy purpose and I know I will learn it at the right time. Help me to trust you, your plans and your timing. Show me what I am missing. Give me wisdom and clarity. May your purpose be made clear and may you be glorified. Amen.

Still Struggling

Image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The day after I wrote my last post, my verses for the day's study were from Titus 2 where it talks about older women training younger women. I felt a pang of disappointment at not having this type of relationship. Even though I am choosing to trust God's timing, it's still difficult and has not removed my longing for this type of relationship. I thought I'd share my devotional for that day so that you can see what my personal study looks like.

***

Titus 2:3-5

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, and to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

Older women are instructed to actively encourage/teach/mentor younger women. Even in my thirties, I am considered an older woman to those in their teens and twenties. My five-year-old daughter is probably watching me to help establish her identity as a girl and learn what it means to be a woman, wife and mother. This means I should be very aware of how I present myself and represent Biblical womanhood.

Even though I can be an example for some, I still desire to have an older, wiser woman help me to be a better wife, mom and Christ-follower. My mother lives far away so it is harder to have this type of mentoring relationship with her. I know that God can develop all of these traits in me on his own, but I desire community and relationships with others and I still struggle.

I think that's the detriment of our mobile society. It's harder to establish and maintain close relationships. Many people live away from their families which removes them from having built-in community and support Humans were made for relationships. It's how we grow and thrive. Family will always be there - you can't get rid of them (good or bad). Friendships tend to be more delicate, vulnerable to time and distance. 

Lord, I am trying to trust you with my needs and relationships. I struggle so much in this area of close relationships. I don't know exactly what I desire but I know that you know what I need. You love me and will provide at the proper time. Amen.

When Do I Need God?

There are plans for our church to train some people to be lay counselors. When I first heard about this I was quite excited because one of my dreams has been to be a counselor. I have a bachelor's in Psychology but have not yet pursued a master's degree. I wasn't able to determine exactly which route to take (MSW or MAC) before my life veered in a different (and wonderful) direction. I have talked off and on with my husband about whether or not to go to grad school when the kids are older. So when I heard there might be an opportunity to pursue my dream in a slightly different way, I was interested in pursuing it.

Before service yesterday one of the women involved in this potential ministry asked me again about my interest and mentioned a potential timeline for it. While I was sitting in church I was thinking about how exciting the opportunity would be I also thought about how much I would need to seek God when I stepped into the role. I know that I have no wisdom of my own that can encourage someone exactly how they need it. I know that God will know exactly how he wants to use me in others' lives and I will need to faithfully seek him to do this. I was excited by this, by stepping into a role where I needed to rely fully on God. 

And then it hit me. Am I saying that I am doing all of my current roles in my own power? Am I saying to God, "I've got this marriage and parenting and friend thing"? Because I surely do not! I cannot have a thriving, loving, encouraging, supportive marriage in my own wisdom and power. I am naturally selfish to the core and that will not work for marriage. Nor can I raise two kids with the compassion, grace, love, and wisdom that will yield godly adults without seeking God daily (sometimes hourly). I am too prone to frustration, tiredness and impatience. Without God, I cannot truly care for another person (we're back to that selfish thing where I focus on my little world). I cannot have a deep, intimate relationship with someone that includes genuine concern, compassion and giving of myself and my time. 

Duh. Thanks, God, for reminding me that I need you right now. You have already given me more than enough to bring to you each day.

I'm still excited about the potential new opportunity, but right now I will refocus on seeking God in the roles I currently hold.