Here In My Struggle

A week or so ago I admitted that I am in need of community. I feel like I have made efforts toward this goal off and on for quite some time. I have managed to have small communities - mom groups, tennis team, small groups, Bible studies - but they have all been for short seasons. I have not managed to hold on to a group where I really feel known and wanted for any real length of time. This does not suit my temperament. I am fiercely loyal, which can cause me to hold on to relationships longer than I'm supposed to, and thrive on deep relationships, which are not built overnight and probably another reason I try to hold on to the ones I've built even if the season has passed. It is a bit disheartening when one of these relationship ends (you could call them a best-friend type relationship) because there has been a lot of time and effort and vulnerability and courage poured into it. The thought of starting all over again is daunting and a little frightening. You never truly know if someone is safe for your truth until you offer it.

Anyway, I have been feeling lonely and a little discouraged lately and have been trying to figure out the reason for this current season. I believe that God has a purpose in this but am not sure what it is. This month I have been making plans with others to get together and work on forging stronger, deeper relationships and nearly all of them have had to be cancelled or rescheduled for a variety of reasons. I am thinking that God is behind it.

What is going on God? Are you trying to tell me something? Do I not really need community? Or am I trying to use community to fill something in me that only you can fill? Are you trying to show me that you are enough, that you are all that I truly need? Do I not think that you are enough for me? Are you trying to get me to dig in deeper with you, to seek you more, to become immersed in your word more? Do I need to grow in my intimacy with you? With my spouse? Do I need to be more open with my husband about feelings and struggles and needs? I feel like you and he are the only two relationships that consistently remain right now. I have a couple of meet ups scheduled the next two days and I feel like they are going to be cancelled too unless I can figure out what you're trying to say. And I know it's not some great mystery that is difficult to uncover because you enjoy my struggle. There is a holy purpose and I know I will learn it at the right time. Help me to trust you, your plans and your timing. Show me what I am missing. Give me wisdom and clarity. May your purpose be made clear and may you be glorified. Amen.

Life Got In The Way

Top: how I feel some weeks. Bottom: once the weeks are over.

Well, it's certainly been a few weeks since I was last on here. It's been pretty busy around our house. We went on vacation to Myrtle Beach with the in-laws for a week. The following week BB started three-year-old preschool three days per week. This week my brother is visiting for a few days so there's been a lot of changes to the "normal" routine. With preschool started we are working on creating a new weekly schedule and routine. Also within this time frame PB and I have tried to get back into our weekly team tennis practices (match play starts this weekend) and our church community group has begun. Oh, and BB took her first dance class yesterday. So, yeah, our days are pretty packed. 

I was excited about preschool for several reasons. I thought BB would enjoy spending regular time with other children her age. It would also break up the monotony of staring at our four walls all of the time. I was looking forward to getting some one-on-one time with LB. It's rare that he's awake without BB around. I also thought it would give me a few more hours during the week to get things checked off of my to-do list (especially since LB has a nap time for an hour or so while BB's in preschool). 

The first week I managed to get more done than usual. I figured out that I could do my exercise DVD and take a shower in the morning. I could get my blog post written and posted on the alternate morning. And that's how it worked. The first week. 

Last week (I can't believe we've only had two weeks of preschool!) I assumed the same would happen. I don't know whether I took naps I didn't know about, but somehow I wasn't even able to get all of my normal week things accomplished! I have no idea what was different between the weeks. 

This week my brother is here so we are having quality time with him and are nowhere close to regular days, but we're having fun and, in the life of a SAHM, sometimes different is a refreshing break from the norm. However, I must say that I have been able to get some things done knowing there's another set of eyes and hands (and ears - boy does BB like to talk!) around the house.

I'll have to wait until next week to see how the trend is going. I do realize that even before preschool I tended to have productive and non-productive weeks. That's just life I suppose. I'm sure once we get used to all of our weekly activities things will smooth out again. And, if not, then something will probably need to be dropped.

Do you tend to alternate between feeling on top of your to-do list and feeling hopelessly behind? Any solutions or helpful advice?